DD has been removed

[Flojoloco]

DD is 15 with additional needs. Things have been getting progressively difficult. Today she told her social worker that I hit her and there is a bruise on her face so they removed her. There’s a strat meeting tomorrow and I’ve no idea if she’s coming home or not either way it’s a mess. I either lose my DD or she’s at home and I’m scared of her lies. She’s 5’8” and 14+ stone, she has massive temper tantrums/meltdowns and puts holes in doors etc. I have no doubt if I ever hit her she would paste me. She lives a charmed life but she’s not very happy at the moment and that’s impacting massively. I would never hit her. I’ve no idea where the bruise came from. If she bumped her head on something or deliberately smacked herself in her face. I haven’t seen her but the photo on SW phone didn’t look like a bruise, she just looked blotchy. Either way we need help.

Unfortunately for some children and adults with SEND you can do everything right all the time and there is still going to be highly challenging, aggressive and unsafe behaviours because no amount of support can change how their brain and nervous system works. It's a reality many families live with.

Agreed, and the OP hasn't said that her DD has ever been violent towards her in any way but everyone's suddenly decided she's at risk of being killed! This thread is frankly shocking.

OP you're right. She deserves proper help and i really hope they will offer something to you both. This is a child in need but sadly support is very thing on the ground. Fight to get her help as much as you are able OP. Good luck.

The child is 15. I’m sure she hadn’t been hell and violent since she was a baby!

My friends child was born with a syndrome that only affects boys and either kills at birth or causes the child enormous mental and physical problems which get worse as they grow. It doesn't matter what the parents do and how that child has been brought up, the effects of the syndrome will manifest as violent behaviour. You are romanticising children. A tall, big child of 15 can easily kill a parent in a fit of rage and then be devastated afterwards. The parent will still be dead. Is that what you want for parents of these children ?

That comes across as very harsh.

Op says she has additional needs. Having undiagnosed additional needs , particularly things like asd/ADHD is very traumatic. Girls have lower diagnostic rates, mainly because they mask so well in school. After holding it together all day things often explode once they get home - and it's blamed on upbringing or parenting because nobody outside the house witnesses it. Even as a professional it's hard to see it, because girls will often hold it together for external agents.

My sister was like this. Sounds very similar to the OPs child.
One of four girls, a twin, loving home and no trauma has ever been disclosed. She’s been to a lot of therapy and never disclosed anything in family therapy or informally at any other time.
She has additional needs and a diagnosised personality disorder. She was violent towards siblings as a young child even, my mum didn’t shout or smack her. She was understood, loved and supported. They tried to meet needs, get support.
By her teens she was dangerous. I moved out and so did my siblings pretty young. The police often got involved and my parents were ruled by her for years.
He came to a head when she was sectioned for violent behaviour in public. My parents refused to have her back. The pressure on them to was enormous. Social workers said awful things to them, they were guilt tripped so many times. My sisters narrative of being pushed out was fed back. They didn’t wash their hands of her, went to therapy, advocated for her, went to every meeting. It was awful.
It’s actually been the best thing for her, removing the facilitation of her behaviour. She with support for a flat eventually and lives independently, even has a job. I honestly don’t think she could have done this with my parents enabling her to have zero responsibility long term.
Whilst I’m in contact with her it was a massive impact on my childhood. I have actual scars, I had no focus on me and spent a lot of teenage years wandering the streets and staying out to avoid the house. It centred around her. I even missed a major exam once as the police demanded I take her home as a teen.
I hoenstly thing she was more a source of trauma , than the one with the trauma. She had everything she needed and more, and as I said- even she in therapy has only expressed demands and expectations or threats.

That sound horrible! The fact that nobody is protecting you and just taking his statement of where he’s “happy” into account is just… well, it shouldn’t be like that.

OP: I agree with everyone else. Take this opportunity to get all the help possible.

your DD has already demonstrated her potential for physical violence. And now she’s psychologically terrorising you. Whether that’s her intent or just a side effect is irrelevant seeing as the outcome is the same either way: you are the one that’s suffering. And it probably won’t get better! Especially if there are no consequences and some kind of intervention…

Children with disabilities will often have a social worker. Nothing to do with trauma, upbringing or child protection concerns etc. this young woman may well have an intellectual disability or other additional needs.

Your friends son isn’t relevant to the op’s situation- there is no indication that her child has such a syndrome.

Depending where you are, children can also ask for refuge if they are deemed to have capacity. I think this allows them to be removed for a week while other arrangements are made.

@Soontobe60 we’ve been searching for the answers for 2.5 years.

Following covid, transition to high school, puberty she became more and more aggressive.
She appears to have ADHD and ASD which we are in process of assessment and are expecting a formal diagnosis in the next few weeks. That was hard enough to get my head round and now this.

I didn’t know I had a choice. The SW said she had to take her so I agreed. Maybe if I said no she’d still be here or maybe I’d have a stand off with the police and that would have been worse.

I tried to get her in to residential school last year for 4 nights a week (state boarding). They offered her a place but then when school provided a reference they withdrew it and said they couldn’t meet need.
She’ll behave like the sweetest child at least for a few weeks.
I’ve just got to wait for the outcome of the strat today.

At the weekend when I supposedly assaulted her we’d been out both days I spent over £100 doing things with her. On Monday night we went out for a meal. She was chatting away about school etc. Yesterday she’d been home an hour, chatting away to me, no issues. Laughing and joking. She’d rang the SW from the school bus home. When there was a knocked at the door she panicked but she stuck to her story.

I couldn’t see a bruise looking at her. But the SW took a photo in the light and it did look like a shadow but more of a blotchy complex near her temple.

So sorry, that’s awful.

What an awful situation for you! I agree with others, maybe it would be best if she didn't come home for now but obviously that's easy for me to say because she isn't my daughter. I'd worry that she's going to escalate the accusations to be honest.

I couldn’t imagine what my life would be if she didn’t live here. She takes up most of my spare time. I wouldn’t know what to do. The house already feels quiet today.

You'd have a life, and you wouldn't be afraid for a start.

You need to decompress as well. You have been living with heightened stress for a long time so not having that will feel very very strange. You will go through every emotion under the sun, relief, guilt, anger, sadness etc… in not particular order and it will come out of the blue. All the emotion you have been dealing with over the years will bubble out now.

It is a shame that you have to come to a crisis point to get any help but now it is here you are going to have to maximise it.

Do not let her move back in without a robust, rigorous support plan in place. It might be residential school is needed or she might be able to live at home with support but you both need support here. And allowing her to be violent and aggressive isn’t supporting her really.

do you work op?

it sounds to me that as much support as you can get from SS would be a very positive development in this case

your only child?

No I have an older DS at uni

Agree with others as the parent of an ASD child now adult (who is not at aggressive or violent at all), say you can’t have her back due to her behaviours. If they’re that bad that she was refused a residential place due to the school reference, serious intervention is needed anyway. This behaviour won’t stop without it. You’d be doing it for her benefit more than your own.

Having undiagnosed additional needs , particularly things like asd/ADHD is very traumatic.

So @Soontobe60 is correct- this is a traumatised child.

I think a lot of posters have a very rose tinted view of how the system works- you can’t just decide you don’t want your 15 year old back and they go and find a lovely residential school/therapeutic foster home for them.

That’s unlikely even if they are removed because you have been abusing them. It costs a fortune, and there are barely any available.

If SS are forced to accommodate them it is nearly always in hostels, or as a first resort with family/ friends.

I am so so so sorry OP. This is a horrible situation for you.
Ultimately SS protect the child but in this case, it’s you that need protecting from her. Lies like that devastate lives and tear families apart. I hope she is made to realise that. I would feel wary about having her back no matter how much I loved her.

I agree with this, I would refuse to take her back

OP, there is a special needs board here too. So you might get support from more people in similar circumstances. 💐

It could be the making of her and a turning point. Imagine she does get a residential school placement that meets her needs, you get to relax and spend quality time with her but you don’t have to live with the struggles. You can then throw yourself into your career and hobbies and enjoy life.she’ll be given lots of time and resources which are rare as hens teeth these days.
dont worry about the accusation, kids do make false allegations sometimes and they know that, they have to take it seriously on paper but if there’s no history and you have been a great parent till now they’ll believe you when you say it’s nonsense. My eldest told her school I didn’t feed her, we lived in squalor and she was neglected ( I think she was 13) I was delighted to show the social worker around our lovely home packed to the rafters with nice food and the child’s bedroom which was kitted out like a palace, DD looked absolutely stupid that day and never did anything like it again.