DD has been removed

[Flojoloco]

DD is 15 with additional needs. Things have been getting progressively difficult. Today she told her social worker that I hit her and there is a bruise on her face so they removed her. There’s a strat meeting tomorrow and I’ve no idea if she’s coming home or not either way it’s a mess. I either lose my DD or she’s at home and I’m scared of her lies. She’s 5’8” and 14+ stone, she has massive temper tantrums/meltdowns and puts holes in doors etc. I have no doubt if I ever hit her she would paste me. She lives a charmed life but she’s not very happy at the moment and that’s impacting massively. I would never hit her. I’ve no idea where the bruise came from. If she bumped her head on something or deliberately smacked herself in her face. I haven’t seen her but the photo on SW phone didn’t look like a bruise, she just looked blotchy. Either way we need help.

very good reply.
OP you are in a difficult situation- all all my posts came from a good place as I have seen what not doing what described above can do to you and everyone around you.

Why do we think the CPS are likely to be involved or DD is going to cause anyone serious harm?

@FleurdeLiane the op has described her daughter as being abusive saying she has a temper and puts holes in walls. That should never be minimised

If the daughter doesn't change and quickly she could very well end up with a criminal record and I doubt her neurodivergence would offer her much of a defence

Bit of a stretch. Not sure what your beef is with young people who are on the ASD/ADHD pathway, but judgey, alarmist and ill informed comments are not that helpful.

The ignorance of ND conditions on this thread is alarming.

And if that were to be the case, they would obtain reports as to her mental health, cognitive ability and capacity to understand cause and effect.

It's ridiculous the minimising and excusing of behaviour which is clearly abusive.

I feel very sorry for the OP and other families with ND children who may read some of the comments and think they have to tolerate living in fear of their child's outbursts. There should be more support from the local authority but in the absence of this, the expectation should not be that parents tolerate situations like this.

Genuinely shocked people think anyone should have to tolerate what OP is living through and i can't see how it can be argued against that if this was an unrelated adult the Op's daughter's anger was aimed against it could well end up in a conviction

Couldn’t agree more

There should be more support from the local authority but in the absence of this, the expectation should not be that parents tolerate situations like this.

So, what do you suppose should happen?

@Withinthesewalls I think people on threads like this should stop minimising behaviour such as the Op's daughter is demonstrating because of a potential diagnosis as if that makes the behaviour less abusive.

The gap in support should not be met at the expense of families tolerating abuse.

So what should happen then? There is a ‘gap in support’ as you put it, so what do you think should happen?

@Withinthesewalls as has been suggested previously where behaviour causes fear of or actual violence police should be called. Local authorities benefit from families accepting abuse because they don't want their family member to potentially get a criminal record or families are shamed into keeping quiet by the attitudes expressed here that they should tolerate it.

Right, and when the police arrived (if they arrive, which they don’t always in these situations- especially if it happens a lot), what do you think should happen then?

@Withinthesewalls so basically your point is to say that there is nothing else that can be done and OP and other families should tolerate actual abuse, is that what you're saying? I think like has happened here where OP received pressure from an SW to take their child back society is just emotionally blackmailing families to tolerate abuse. Abuse by children to parents/other children needs to become as unacceptable as other forms of domestic abuse not minimised or excused because otherwise where does it end?

Instead of asking baiting questions what do you think should happen?

There isn’t another child in this case.

there is nothing else that can be done and OP and other families should tolerate actual abuse, is that what you're saying?

What I've said is that parents in this position need to get legal advice asap and contact an advocate to help them navigate the system.

Both of these are available free/low cost from charities- although obviously it’s 100 times easier if you have money.

Everyone needs to campaign for greater funding for more, and better, services- because at the moment there is a gap in provision.

The social worker told her she had to take her daughter back because that is the legal position. The social worker would have been at risk of punishment for illegally accommodating a child if she had done anything else, even if she could find an emergency placement for a few more nights.

I’ve posted about 10 times on this thread- go and read any of them.

What should happen, and what can happen are two different things.

@Withinthesewalls is right though there is little help for parents
That's just a fact posters posting from a place of kindness but with limited understanding of how the system works doesnt help anyone
I know I always come across as negative on these types of threads because a lot of well meaning but uninformed posters post what they think should happen rather than the reality

Yes- we post pointing out the reality of the situation and get jumped on as if we think it’s lovely for violence to happen.

Its stupid.

I know it's head ,bang wall
I'm the parent of a child with complex needs I know what's available and it ain't much I dont think any of us this position think it's great but or agree with it but that's the reality .

No, what is ridiculous and genuinely shocking is someone who clearly understands nothing about children and young people with additional needs, distressed behaviours and differences in developmental capacity should continue with their judgemental and misinformed opinion to people who clearly have professional expertise or lived experience.

What do you think a lack of developmental capacity is? Of course it is not the same as behaviour from an adult without additional needs. The prejudice you are displaying is quite something.

@FleurdeLiane your comment appears again to excuse abusive behaviour and you appear to be trying to close down debates with accusations of prejudice.

By not differentiating ND and abusive/controlling behaviour aren't you linking abusive behaviour and ND? I'm sure the majority of people who identify as ND are not and never will be violent.

Also I'm interested you rephrase what I call abuse as distressed behaviour. My point is the person who is on the receiving end of it is no less a victim of abuse and to suggest otherwise is to gaslight people

Also do you believe such behaviour stops at 18? Are you suggesting that if such behaviour continues a perpetrator will be excused criminal responsibility as an adult? If violent or abusive behaviour is not identified and called out before adulthood what changes in the future?

Your ignorance and discriminatory attitudes continues to be exposed. 25% of autistic young people display violent behaviour which the convention is to describe as distressed behaviour in recognition that it reflects a lack of developmental capacity to behave more adaptively. Have a look at the National Autistic Society resources which I have attached. And yes, for a lot, but not all, of young people this resolves or is reduced in adulthood.

You will see the range of responses suggested by the National Autistic Society, including specialised support. Your sanctimonious 'calling-out' isn't one of them. The reason these behaviours exist is due to cognitive and sensory differences arising from neurodevelopmental conditions.

I imagine you don't live with this on a daily basis? Those of us who do could do without our children being exposed to your stigmatising and judgmental commentary, thank you. They are disabled children and not perpetrators.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/distressed-behaviour

And I have no idea why you think commenting on your prejudiced attitudes amounts to closing down debate? You have chosen to share your thinking and you have received a response.

One more time, the lack of specialist support for children/families is the problem. And discriminatory social attitudes and a lack of appropriate provision, which themselves contribute to the distress, frustration and victimisation ND young people experience.