DD has been removed

[Flojoloco]

DD is 15 with additional needs. Things have been getting progressively difficult. Today she told her social worker that I hit her and there is a bruise on her face so they removed her. There’s a strat meeting tomorrow and I’ve no idea if she’s coming home or not either way it’s a mess. I either lose my DD or she’s at home and I’m scared of her lies. She’s 5’8” and 14+ stone, she has massive temper tantrums/meltdowns and puts holes in doors etc. I have no doubt if I ever hit her she would paste me. She lives a charmed life but she’s not very happy at the moment and that’s impacting massively. I would never hit her. I’ve no idea where the bruise came from. If she bumped her head on something or deliberately smacked herself in her face. I haven’t seen her but the photo on SW phone didn’t look like a bruise, she just looked blotchy. Either way we need help.

As I said, it is done by volunteers.

Exactly this. I've been in the same situation as the OP. I still am. It's been absolute hell at times. Violent outbursts are less frequent now but I still walk on eggshells everyday as verbal abuse is a weekly occurrence...worse around PMT.

OP take all the help you can for both your sakes. I've needed this help many times. Family and agency's just dont see the impact as she masks so well. Sending big hugs to you x

Because I have a severely disabled child
Who was granted overnight respite two nights a month about 18 months ago so far he s had two brief visits and they are making sounds about not being able to meet his needs
As a respite carer surely you know there are severe limitations in what can be offered?

It is. Everyone knows what SHOULD be available, but generally it isn’t.

OP is in a terrible position, and setting her up to believe SS are going to swoop in and provide this that and the other isn’t fair.

She needs support to navigate her real situation, not the one she SHOULD be in.

@Withinthesewalls What happens if you simply can’t cope anymore.

A family member was initially sectioned and then a sheltered housing type place was found when his mother could no longer cope. It did mean her walking away though and that was extraordinarily hard but the alternative would have killed her

yes, but offering respite care is voluntary! I don't respond very well to people trying to tell us we don't offer enough. We get "expenses" but the costs are normally higher, sometimes FAR higher than the expenses. Offering respite has cost me thousands.

OP and @Withinthesewalls I should add that this family member ended up being heavily sedated for a couple of years to make him manageable for his mother. It was horrific but that was the only way until some state service could help

As shitty as it is being accused of something you didn’t do, this may be an opportunity to stand your ground and to say to SS that maybe your DD will get better support elsewhere. You can’t live your life waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Why is that relevant?

A) it shouldn’t be reliant on volunteers

b) whoever is doing it at the moment, it’s nigh on impossible to access it.

It isn’t about you ffs. No one is saying you personally should do more.

The state should be providing proper respite care for those that need it.

The carers should be being paid and supported properly.

My child should be going to a respite placement it's not voluntary the staff work there and are paid they are not volunteers.

What an awful situation OP, hope you manage to find a solution.

My son goes to this sort of respite place. Can confirm they exist, although obviously hard to get a place.

I knew of an elderly woman whose adult learning disabled son was so violent they could not find a residential place for him. So this elderly woman was left by herself with a violent man.

The lack of any support, let alone specialist, is shameful.

Wow, I work in this field and can’t believe some of the answers.

I have seen children younger than your daughter who are bigger than their parents and they have their parents pinned down or up against a wall.

The authority I work I. Have what we call a transitions team, the schools would refer children with high needs to that team who would then work with the family until adulthood., but if op’s daughter does not have a formal diagnosis at the moment this may not have happened. The family will work with both adult and children’s social workers to find the best outcome for the family, whether that involves children’s respite, which is easier than adults (as adults respite is like gold dust, or a PA to give family a break when the child is not at school.

Other ideas are discussed for when they leave school, such as day services, PA’s, shared lives, supported accommodation, shared care ( this is where a adult spends their time between the family home and somewhere else). For us residential is the last drastic option.

For behavioural issues we even tap into the local nhs who have a dedicated team just there for people with behavioural issues who work with both the families and the person themselves, to see if there are any strategies out there to help all.

If you have a good professional team around you, they will work with you, maybe ask if your area has a dedicated high needs childcare team that your case be transferred to them as they will have more of a good understanding of how your daughters mind works and that it is not your fault.

I agree. The situation can't go on with her violent outbursts at home. Let the social workers deal with it. I wouldn't be in a great rush to have her back soon because the cycle will just start again.

With a 15 year olds who can’t/wont go home? Mostly they move between grandma, aunty, best mate, lots of dodgy boyfriends, grandmas ex husband, grandmas ex husbands daughter… then they get a place in a hostel.

If they behave they don’t get kicked out and move from hostel to hostel to B&B.

Unless they are actually unwell enough to be hospitalised or law breaking enough to be put in juvie.

That is what most commonly happens.

Yes, therapeutic places and residential schools exist and can be brilliant- but there are a lot of angry/sad/damaged undiagnosed children in the country, far more than there is proper provision for them.

Thats not to say that the op should put up and shut up- she should absolutely advocate as hard as she can for her daughter and herself to be given the support they need and deserve. The more fuss she makes the more likely they will be lucky.

She will have to deal with the consequences of her lies then.

You've done nothing wrong.

I would very selfishly enjoy the break.

OP says she has ALN. Behavioural issues are quite common in a range of Learning disabilities or other conditions.

This.

Honestly, I think your life would be transformed if she did live elsewhere. That's not to say you couldn't see her at all of course but I think it would be a huge relief not to live with her. You must feel like you're walking on eggshells around her if she is ready to lie to social workers about you.

She will show her true colours soon enough and they will speak to the school of course who will tell them what she's like. You can't live in fear of going to prison because your daughter is lying about you. I feel for the foster parent who has to deal with her because she'll face the same accusations in time. I think you should be absolutely honest with the social workers and explain exactly what she's like and tell them that she is playing them.

I went through this with my dd a few years ago (( a little different as I refused to have her home when she went into respite )) in all honesty it should have happened a lot sooner.

I know things seem different and scary now but it will work out and you'll come to see the positives. DD and I have a much better relationship now, I actually look forward to being around her........mainly because of firm rules around expectations of behaviour if she wants to have that family time (( holidays, Christmas etc )) We aren't punchbags, we dont have to be around people who are verbally abusive. Whether they have a disability or not.

It isn't a case of showing true colours. This teenager has additional needs. If she has ASD and ADHD, then she is unlikely have the communication skills to express how she's feeling. She therefore is using the only thing she can to cry out for help. However, as is often the case, she won't have realised the ramifications of her actions.

@Flojoloco needs support and help. It won't help to view her DD as malicious and untrustworthy, when in fact she's troubled and distressed. The fact that she's 5'8" and 14+ stones doesn't change that. However, it does increase the risk to @Flojoloco .

DD1 is 18 and has behavioural challenges as a result of her SEN. We are fortunate that she is not physically strong. It is much more challenging when the person is physically strong, especially as they often don't realise the strength that they have or the damage that they can do.