DD has been removed

[Flojoloco]

DD is 15 with additional needs. Things have been getting progressively difficult. Today she told her social worker that I hit her and there is a bruise on her face so they removed her. There’s a strat meeting tomorrow and I’ve no idea if she’s coming home or not either way it’s a mess. I either lose my DD or she’s at home and I’m scared of her lies. She’s 5’8” and 14+ stone, she has massive temper tantrums/meltdowns and puts holes in doors etc. I have no doubt if I ever hit her she would paste me. She lives a charmed life but she’s not very happy at the moment and that’s impacting massively. I would never hit her. I’ve no idea where the bruise came from. If she bumped her head on something or deliberately smacked herself in her face. I haven’t seen her but the photo on SW phone didn’t look like a bruise, she just looked blotchy. Either way we need help.

Ask that they take her to a medical so a professional can report how he thinks this injury occurred

in all honesty I’m surprised they removed her at 15 on a one off incident. Did you sign section 20 paperwork? Or maybe she elected to stay elsewhere
is she with family or a foster placement?

I think the thing to remember is removing her is a precaution, not a sign they think you're guilty and deal with it that way, don't be defensive, just truthful - you don't know how the bruise happened, DD may feel like she wants to 'punish' you but doesn't really get the consequences for herself etc.

At the moment she is safe and you are safe.

Now that she is in the care of SW. Use this to your advantage, at the strategy meeting I would be saying that you will use this opportunity to have much needed respite, you need time to reflect and think about how you want to move forward in your and your daughters best interests.
I would also be asking what supports will be put in place, if and when she returns. I know you will be all over the place, but if you can, take time for yourself and recharge your batteries. Good luck and be strong 💪

I don’t get to attend the strat its professions only i.e the SW, police, presumably someone from school

Well.quite but all this just put her in a residential placement isn't very helpful.or constructive either
Seriously every time there is a thread similar to this
You get the same old bull shit like it's easy finding a residential school that are ready and willing to take her
Posters have no idea

She is old enough to go into supported living. The Op can't be expected to handle a violent adult sized person with ADHD and ASD on her own. Those disabilities are not anyone's fault, and there is nothing the OP can do about them. Nothing at all. The DD should be placed somewhere appropriate and required intense input - which is not likely to be within the capabilities of a mum living at home

It doesn't matter what you might want it's what the Op wants and what help.is avaliable
I hate it when posters think they know it all because their friends had a vaguely similar experience.

It’s also extremely unlikely to happen if she just ‘refuses’ to have her home- you can’t actually just put your children into care.

Posters saying “don’t have her home and they will have to find her a suitable placement” are giving the op false hope.

And you know this by a thread on the Internet 🙄

I agree something needs to be done, my post was directed at those on here who seem to be of the ‘get rid of her’ mindset.

I have a child with ASD and learning disabilities who is nearly a teenager, so much sympathy OP. I can imagine right now it feels like a part of you has been taken away, as difficult as the circumstances are.
I know that one day my son won’t be able to live with me anymore, not full time anyway, because his needs are too much for me to handle on my own and I’m already seeing some of the behaviours you see in your daughter.
I know I don’t have the capacity or ability to be everything to my son, he needs more input than I can give, to teach him how to function in the world and to help him grow up basically. It took a while to implement but my son now goes to overnight respite a few times a month where he is learning independence skills and that there’s a wider world he will have to be part of.
Perhaps this is the point you have reached, that it’s now become clear your daughter needs more input and you need more help? It’s not a defeat, you’re not in anyway a bad parent, it’s just you’re only one person. You can’t be everything.
Maybe this awfulness will, hopefully, be a blessing in disguise and things may change.

I am taking the OP at face value - why wouldn't I?

Hopefully your DD will have at least understood some of the ramifications to her actions today and will tell the truth to enable her -and you - to get some help

I'd start putting nanny cameras around the house and in her room

My mums old friend had pretty much this situation back in the day and she was permanently removed l. Funnily enough it did her the world of good as there was no emotional attachment to the violence and it more or less stopped as she learned other ways to deal with things. She eventually moved back with her mum and they lived pretty happily together most of the time until her DM passed. She is still in the same house coping very well.

They don't continue to.have a social.worker
They may have social.services involved to access things like respite( hollow laugh) but they are not involved for ever more

My post wasn’t directed at you, it was to the posters who seem to think you should just wash your hands of your dd. I hope the strat meeting will come up with some practical support for you both.

OP, this is a terrible situation for you but would you consider the fact that it might not be best for her to come to live back at home?

It doesn't sound safe for you to be with someone who could physically harm and overpower you long term...

I used to work for a charity that ran residential places for people with special needs and we had young people living in their own sheltered accommodation with staff on site. Each one had their own little flat and as much independence as possible but the staff was there 24/7 to look after them too

My friend's daughter also lives in a similar setting. She could not have her at home all the time because she is physically so much bigger than her and the temper tantrum were too difficult, and dangerous, to manage at home. Her daughter regularly spends weekends with her but really enjoy living in her own space where she has made friends too.

Maybe this is a chance for both of you to look at alternative arrangements.

technically, they are

• why the hollow laugh about respite? You know this depends largely on volunteers? It is never a given.

Respite carer here

How horribly stressful for you. I’m hoping DD admits her lies and that appropriate support for you both will be put in place.

Hope you're feeling okay this morning, OP.

Fingers crossed you get some clarity on the situation and some additional support with this soon. It sounds like you're having a hard time and you absolutely need a helping hand.

Additional needs is not a free pass to behave appallingly and violent. I really wish this line or argument will stop one day. We are talking about a 16 year old who, by the OP’s own words, enjoys the attention that derives from some of her actions.
This is absolutely nothing to be pandered too, because the only person who will lose out here is the OP.

I think this is your opportunity to try and push for some state assistance. It goes against every mothering instinct but I would suggest you don’t take her home immediately. If you have the means I would get away for a few days and if not just spend some time getting yourself and the house in order. You can’t cope with her when she behaves like this. If she has the ability to stop then this will provide a wake up call, if she doesn’t then maybe this will allow you access some sort of residential supports. It sounds like you will need it if things go on as they are.

I really feel for you, what a tough situation.

Do you have any idea at all how hard it would be to find an appropriate placement?
This is my point everytime there are threads like this people suggest residential school/ placements like there are loads just waiting
It's unrealistic and unhelpful.

I think hollow laugh refers to the fact getting any respite care is akin to finding a real life unicorn wandering through your garden of a morning…