DD has been removed

[Flojoloco]

DD is 15 with additional needs. Things have been getting progressively difficult. Today she told her social worker that I hit her and there is a bruise on her face so they removed her. There’s a strat meeting tomorrow and I’ve no idea if she’s coming home or not either way it’s a mess. I either lose my DD or she’s at home and I’m scared of her lies. She’s 5’8” and 14+ stone, she has massive temper tantrums/meltdowns and puts holes in doors etc. I have no doubt if I ever hit her she would paste me. She lives a charmed life but she’s not very happy at the moment and that’s impacting massively. I would never hit her. I’ve no idea where the bruise came from. If she bumped her head on something or deliberately smacked herself in her face. I haven’t seen her but the photo on SW phone didn’t look like a bruise, she just looked blotchy. Either way we need help.

This may sound harsh, but the situation she has created gives you the opportunity to walk away, possibly saving you serious injury or worse.

Once they are an adult there is no help
Believe me I know
I'm at home a 25 year old who his social worker knows that he pinned me against the sink while twisting my arm up my back and screaming in my face.
But he says he's happy at home ,so nothing is done to help us.
Grap this situation with both hands ,and get her in to a residential college ,/ school type place

I couldn't live in a situation where the person I was living with could get me put in prison at any moment.

I hope you get the support that you need today. For your daughter, living away from you might be the best thing.

I also agree with @Yellowroseblooms .
I think you need a reset OP. You must be beyond exhausted 💐

YOU are being abused

She needs to live somewhere else (supported living etc)

This is an important post. My neighbour is in this situation with her dd. Her dd is the same age as mine, 20, they grew up together. My neighbour's life has been terrible since our DDs became eighteen in lockdown. My dd has gone to university but my neighbour has had to give up her job as a nurse to be at home for her daughter. Nobody helps her. She pays for private counselling but she can't get her to go in the shower never mind to counselling.

I agree you need to use the opportunity to get her into a residential placement. Then you can still see her whilst remaining safe in your own home.

So sorry you are going through this OP
You must feel so conflicted but as others have said she is your child but you don’t want it to turn into something you aren’t able to handle,be honest with SS about your fears and situation and take as much support as you are able to whilst she is still young

How does she behave at school/with others OP? Maybe residential school is the right answer here.

My DD14 has adhd and ASD she boards a couple of nights a week sometimes more if I'm travelling for work.

Now whilst she still has meltdowns the physical behaviour has almost gone, the boarding has given her independence. Shes high functioning for sure but at home is when she is at her worst, being away from me has enabled her to develop better coping strategies and independence.

This might not be all bad.

I wouldn’t have her home unless she admitted it was a lie. You will be on eggshells the entire time if she doesn’t (if you’re not already).

I'm sorry it has come to this. I hope you get support to make things better for both of you.

The problem is, once the dd is home there is no help. No help, no support. I also get the feeling that the SW will brush this all under the carpet so she comes home and stops being her problem. That's awful of me to say but realistic I think these days. This could be the ONE opportunity OP has to ensure her dd receives support from other agencies. I would be tempted to say you can't have her back. This doesn't mean you won't see her again, in fact, it could be the start of a new relationship with her.
In a years time no one will be interested and OP will be on her knees.

I hope you both get the help it sounds like you desperately need and her behaviour calms down. I can’t imagine what it must be like to be afraid in my own home. That should be your safe space.

DD did something similar and I called the ambulance because the meltdown was unbelievable - she was taken away and then asked me to go with her - she was panicked and scared. It did help her situation - she stopped the violence and calmed down. She’s now quite pleasant.
I wouldn’t wish your situation on anyone - it’s exhausting.

Take the break. Be honest and see how it pans out. Getting help is hard and resources are limited - so take the opportunity and speak up.

I would be looking into residential care! From the description I’d be terrified teens are soo dangerous and unpredictable as it is let alone throwing her rather large stature into the mix you must be walking on eggshells!

it’s soo hard as ultimately she is your kid but safety first my friend had to put her son into residential as she nearly lost her younger kids because of his lies and behaviour a little bit different I know she was hysterical but without him in the family home after a couple of weeks she really realised how bad the situation was and it was ridiculous to put up with!

Hopefully that will be the same for you xxx

This is your chance. It might be the only one.
Let them have her - you'll be safer if she's not at home. It's obvious you're scared, and I can see why.
Accept any help you are offered.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4989746-9-year-old-lying-finally-told-truth?page=6&reply=132598536

Oh OP, I feel for you

Hopefully your social worker will be able to sort this out for you. I feel incredibly lucky that I got such a decent social worker because this could of gone so badly wrong for us.

I have been through similar with my DD but it's gone on for longer. Since the police wanted to speak to her she hasnt made anymore alligations and we've had a nice calm 2 months or so. But I'm on edge constantly incase she says somthing like that again

Social are still involved but just to offer support for DD as they think she has autism/adhd

I was diagnosed with ADHD last year and was referred for an autism assessment last week so I suspect she has too.

Theyll have a strategory meeting and decide where to go from there and the police will probably want to speak to your DD. If your DD confirms it's not true then social services should just offer you some support and if your DD maintains that it's true then the police will most likely get involved. They might of sent her for a medical during the time shes been away from you where a doctor will have a look at her

My DD had a red mark on her shoulder that had disappeared by the time we got to the medical place ( I dropped her off at school at 8:45am, at say 2:30ish PM she told the teacher I had hurt her - had a medical at say 5pm )

After the medical the doctor showed me a red mark that was on her chest --- I wanted to say, that wasnt there before she had the medical but felt like I couldnt so didnt say anything and the doctor said herself that the only mark she could see on my DD was the mark on her chest which had only come up during the medical and said DD had sensitive skin

It's been a horrible time and so stressful but if your DD admits that she made it up all that social are going to want to do is offer you both some support

Our social worker spotted almost immediately that DD only said these sort of things after she had had a meltdown at school. We now have a therapeutic social worker who isnt going to work with DD yet as DD has now shown a pattern of being overwhelmed meeting new adults and then making accusations about people.

I feel so lucky that theyve helped us properly because if we had had a different social worker my DD would of been taken away from me with the things she was saying 🤦‍♀️

Are people forgetting that this is a child that’s being discussed? Children do not generally get into the position of needing a social worker without there being some trauma involved. People are making it sound like the child is the problem here, rather than anything else.
There clearly IS a problem, but it’s not the child, it’s the situation. Something has gone terribly wrong, whether it’s the child’s upbringing, trauma or issues with their mental health. The answer isn’t to wipe your hands of a child in this situation, but to look for the reasons behind their behaviour and try to resolve those issues.

OP please let her go into residential, you can't live at home afraid. She might end up killing you (even by accident). In the meeting tell them you have had enough and you can't cope anymore. Don't hold back, tell them exactly how you live and feel about it.

Let them help her. Better to live apart and be safe and well.

Use this time to let her reflect on the consequences of her actions and to communicate to social services that until
the right support is in place and you can have confidence that she won’t be accusing you of things you don’t feel ready to have her home. Demand an intensive support plan if you do want her home.

The answer isn’t to wipe your hands of a child in this situation, but to look for the reasons behind their behaviour and try to resolve those issues.

Well yes, I think people know that. Nobody is suggesting she changes the locks and goes to Ibiza. This is a way to access support.

I don't think people realise how hard it is to get any help at all.

Either way we need help.

Absolutely. Whatever help she is receiving right now needs reviewing. Although this is horrible for you it may be that the situation needs to change.

Yes @Soontobe60 . Which is why I gave the advice I gave. How do you think any issues get resolved though? There is nothing out there in the way of support for OP's dd. This is her ONE chance to get that support.

This. My friends son became violent in his teens. He had lots of additional needs and was particularly violent towards his mum. He was moved into supported living with other young people and with carers. My friend had a daughter and a grandchild as well as the son. She was able to have her daughter and grandchild visit her home again because it was now safe. She was able to sleep properly and to feel completely safe in her own home. Her son wasn't far away so she and her husband could visit whenever they wanted. It changed all their lives for the better. They could concentrate on having a loving relationship with him in a safe space rather than being frightened of him. This may be the start of a better chapter Op.

Oh love.

It sounds like this may be a good point to start having a relationship with her as she lives in residential provision. And you get to be mum and a visitor and enjoy her, and staff take over the being bashed and all the other difficult behaviours.