My partner doesn’t want to meet my son

[MintWasp]

Looking for advice on starting new relationships with children involved.

I’m a divorced mum of a 5 year old boy, who I share custody of.

Fairly recently, 6 months ago, I started a relationship with someone who lives abroad. They are open to moving country and say they like children.

Since we started dating we’ve seen each other 5/6 times for long weekends and we talk every day. We also work together.

We’ve exchanged the love word and are both talking about trying to build our relationship. However my partner doesn’t want to meet my son yet, and says it’s too soon. I would like them to meet but would introduce my partner as mummy’s friend. Nothing serious.

We’ve both said we want to spend more time together and there is no barrier on my side, apart from that I have my son half of the time. My partner lives and works abroad away from home, and often spends weekends alone or travelling back to their home country when I’m not available. I’ve invited them to come and stay a few times when I’ve had my son with me and they’ve refused. I find this hard as I want to be together no matter what.

I feel like if this continues much longer I’ll have to end the relationship. I want to be with someone who accepts me as a mum and enjoys spending time with my son.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting this to change? Is it too soon? Or is this a red flag?

Thank you for listening 🙏🏼

Fair play OP. Your responses say a lot. You've had a wake up call, taken it on board and are going to address it. Makes a change round here tbh! Good for you

My bad, saw a reference to "him" in a previous comment by another poster, thanks for the correction!

5/6 times and now meeting your child I agree is too soon.
You also only have your dc half of the time you have loads of free time OP so your son doesn’t have to be involved .

If you still feel you can’t spend enough time together due to work commitments etc then that’s different you need to end it , not involve your child .

No. I was hoping for an echo chamber. I didn’t get it 😬 But I asked so I will listen 🙏🏼

Long distance relationships like this can make you feel like you've met your soulmate. You've met them half a dozen times and think it's love. You're in love with the idea of them. You probably don't know them as well as you think you do.

Take it slow. I don't think this guy is on the same page as you, you're already trying to rush things when he's clearly uncomfortable with it.

As others have suggested; your behaviour is a red flag. It's been 6 months and you've not spent significant time together. You've created a fantasy after talking to someone on the phone and a few dates.

He’s right to be cautious and is actually putting your son’s welfare first. Decent man, I’d say.

Yep, the danger of these nowadays trendy online “relationships” is that you’re idealising this human avatar on the screen who you deep down don’t know from Adam. It’s time spent together in real life when you get to know someone, online relationships are science fiction, nice if all you want is attention but not real. Be careful with keeping your relationship online because once you move together you’re in for a big surprise.

I don't think it's so much about time, but about the experiences you have with each other (Which ultimately require time anyway). Things like:

• how do you treat each other when you're ill, or when the other person is ill.
• how do you deal with disagreements
• do you have compatible lifestyles and standards in having a home
• when things get stressful, do you make each feel better or more stressed.

What aspects of their personality or behaviour I masked by them being on their best behaviour and they want to make a good impression, and vice versa. Do you still feel the same about the 'real' them.

It's a green flag if anything. It's far too early to introduce him to your son.

Honestly I agree with him from what you said. It's too soon.

Op's partner being a woman doesn't change the situation at all for me.

People should never assume a woman doesn't pose a risk to their child in a new relationship. They can be just as dangerous as a man.

Arthur Labinjo-Hughes, Star Hobson and Harvey Borrington were all killed by their 'step mothers'.

Breaks me remembering these poor little ones 💔

excellent response to the feedback OP!! I think it does make a difference that your partner is a woman so it might be helpful to be straight (haha) up in posts in future. The lesbian tendency to rush into committed relationships, and the lesser danger that a strange woman poses to a child are relevant when giving advice here!

I think he's totally right 6 months is soon. I'd always wait a year before introducing a new partner.

Is it too early?

I met my boyfriends son after about three weeks of dating.

@Kjones27 In my opinion I don't think there's any hard and fast rule. As long as you know there's a future and that they are a positive feature in the kids life.

Exchanging the love word is totally meaningless unless you’re very young. It’s no milestone at all.

Your approach to this ‘relationship’ is frankly astounding, considering you have only spent 12 days together, I would not be calling this person my partner/gf and ‘practically married’.

Your son has nothing to do with a new dalliance.

I think he’s right. You barely know him, have only spent time in his company a handful of times and want to have him sleepover in your house for a weekend when your child is there. He’s being very sensible and that says a lot
about him in my opinion.

I agree with most. I think 6 months is early. Especially as they travel lots and you have only met 5/6 times.

Get to know eachother. Maybe have an idea of when they will move closer or have a permanent base as I’m assuming with a child stability is important.

If it helps I was single for about 10 years with my DD and I didn’t introduce my partner until well over a year into the relationship (this was a joint decision but for me I wanted to wait it out). At that point we were seeing eachother regularly, had the “future” talk and were doing boring things like grocery shopping together and non- honeymoon period stuff (like being there when one’s ill and had small arguments and knowing each others boundaries).

Id say you want to wait until you are sure there is somewhat of a future. What that looks like.

So many people assuming this is a man. OP very carefully avoided using either gender to describe this person. It’s entirely possible this is a same sex relationship and partner is not yet ready to make it ‘public’. Give them time if you love them.

OP has clarified that her partner is a women. A lot of people picked up on this. You aren’t the only person who has of same sex relationships😊

It can be tricky with a child

I met my boyfriends child after a couple of weeks
And we went out for about 8 months
I was very kind to that child
.
However after I broke up with the man, the man used the child to hurt me.
He said "i let you hold my child's hand'

Like I was some awful stranger that he shouldn't have let near his child.

He did that to upset me. It has put me off dating a man with a child again to be honest. Because there is so much potential emotionl damage.

You get close to a child, then you never see the child again when you broke up. Then your ex, if they're hurt will say nasty things about the child to hurt you. It's a minefield

Which is why you don't meet the child after a couple of weeks, and why, if someone is urging you to meet their child after a couple of weeks, you run a mile, because it shows very poor judgement on their part. And I mean in relation to their child possibly becoming attached to a boyfriend/girlfriend and being upset when the relationship ends and the person vanishes from their lives, not the other adult being upset. An adult has choices, a young child doesn't.

Boyfriend. 6 months in, different countries does not equal ‘partner’

Sometimes you have to meet the child after a couple of weeks though.

Sometimes it just comes down to : peoples childcare arrangements.

My boyfriend lived alone. His son lived with his mum during the week

My boyfriend had his son staying with him every weekend.

Me and him both worked and had long commutes during ther week.

The only time we could see each other was at the weekend, when he had his son with him. So I would go around to his flat and all three of us would do things together

You’ve met this person 5-6 times. You don’t even live in the same country and you want to introduce him to your son. You need to wait.

The first thing this man needs to do is move here so you can have an actual real life relationship to see if it works. It’s all well and good having a couple of romantic weekends together but that doesn’t reflect real life. If he’s serious about you, he’ll move. Then you can spend another 6 months in a “proper” relationship before you drag your son into it.