My partner doesn’t want to meet my son

[MintWasp]

Looking for advice on starting new relationships with children involved.

I’m a divorced mum of a 5 year old boy, who I share custody of.

Fairly recently, 6 months ago, I started a relationship with someone who lives abroad. They are open to moving country and say they like children.

Since we started dating we’ve seen each other 5/6 times for long weekends and we talk every day. We also work together.

We’ve exchanged the love word and are both talking about trying to build our relationship. However my partner doesn’t want to meet my son yet, and says it’s too soon. I would like them to meet but would introduce my partner as mummy’s friend. Nothing serious.

We’ve both said we want to spend more time together and there is no barrier on my side, apart from that I have my son half of the time. My partner lives and works abroad away from home, and often spends weekends alone or travelling back to their home country when I’m not available. I’ve invited them to come and stay a few times when I’ve had my son with me and they’ve refused. I find this hard as I want to be together no matter what.

I feel like if this continues much longer I’ll have to end the relationship. I want to be with someone who accepts me as a mum and enjoys spending time with my son.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting this to change? Is it too soon? Or is this a red flag?

Thank you for listening 🙏🏼

He is not a partner after 6 months talking and meeting once a month. I'd be surprised if he really spends the time travelling and other weekends entirely alone. How did you meet?

This isn’t a partner. It’s a boyfriend/girlfriend whom you’ve spent time physically with only less than half a dozen occasions. Unbelievable that you want them to come and stay with you when you have your son.

OP didn't say the boy/girlfriend doesn't want to meet the kids at all. Simply that it's too soon after only 6 dates, which is correct. I see no reason to inflict boy/girlfriends on a kid anyway, just enjoy dating and keep the love life separate to parenting, it's rarely in the kids best interests to be brought in to a parents love life.

Too soon even if you were meeting up every week. Far to soon for someone you've met in person 5/6 times (have you really lost count already?). Far, far too soon that you want them to stay overnight in the same house! I would have serious concerns if I was your child's father.

I think 6 months is quite early too especially as you're not in the same country. I think it's a credit to him that he is taking meeting your son seriously, I'd say wait another few months and see how things go

This

If its a "not yet", rather than "never" maybe wait a while?

also if you dont live together and are just 5 or 6 actual meetings in, he's your boyfriend. not your partner

grrr should have read to the end before posting

*I feel like if this continues much longer I’ll have to end the relationship. I want to be with someone who accepts me as a mum and enjoys spending time with my son.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting this to change? Is it too soon? Or is this a red flag*

Hes not 'not' accepting you as Mum he's being incredibly sensible & not rushing it

As pp said there are red flags from you

5/6 dates is barely a relationship, it's certainly not at the partner stage.

Even if you had been dating more conventionally for 6 months most people would probably still think that was soon to meet children.

Waaaaay too soon! If you'd been dating regularly for 6 months, spending lots of time together it would be too soon.

But this is madness, you barely know him yet. I agree with others that he's not your partner, he's someone you're dating intermittently.

Slow down!

Yes the red flags are all waving on your side of the fence. You are going far too fast. Your boyfriend (not partner ) has your son's interests at heart more than you do.

Hardly a "partner" when you've seen him 5-6 times.

Give it more time.

This he's sensible listen to him

First, this isn't a partner, it's a boyfriend. Partners share households and are part of each other's families.

You're moving too fast and he's sending you clear signals to that effect. Please heed them.

@MintWasp - I agree that you don't know this man yet. 5 or 6 dates is waaayyy too soon.

On the face of it, the man is being sensible - BUT it could well be a red flag as well. Maybe all the weekends you don't see him is because he has another partner elsewhere and he's seeing them then?

I don't quite understand him living and working away abroad, away from home. How do you get to meet him at all if he's working and living abroad? Surely too expensive to hop on a plane once a month or so for a weekend?

The partner sounds sensible. At least a year before introducing them.

18 months to 2 years of being with him then your u can introduce him. You should put your son first not yourself.

It's too soon, Me and my now husband saw each at weekends once a fortnight for almost 2 years before introducing children.
The introducing each other as friends thing doesn't work, children aren't stupid., best not to lie.

You want to spend time together no matter what.

You're being coy saying we've exchanged the love word.

You're thinking of ending the relationship if you don't get your own way.

You have not realised your new boyfriend is being very sensible, mature and realistic.

This will not end well.

You've seen this man in person 5/6 times and you're already saying you're in love with him, calling him your partner, and wanting him to meet your son.

Give your head a wobble.

You are the red flag here.

I met a man who was similar and even though he shared custody (so had child free days), he was still pushing for me to meet his kids early on.
I ended things.

My friend also met her DPs child very early on and it was done to rub it in the ex’s face because he was jealous she had moved on and also so my friend would do the parenting on his days.

I completely agree!

Perhaps for you, him meeting your son is a sign of commitment and acceptance of your role as a mother. I can understand why, if you are falling for someone, you would want that reassurance. However, given the facts of your relationship - 5/6 times spent together, lots of distance etc , it isn't wise to seek these assurances by introducing him to your child.

Are there other ways you could get the reassurance you're looking for that the relationship has legs? Have you met any of his (adult) family or friends?

Reminds me of a lad at work, met his girlfriend at the work induction, less than 3 months ago, She visits him at weekends, and he refers to her as his 'missus'. He lives at home with mum and has no hope of being able to afford them getting together. Thank god no kids involved they are children playing at being grownups

To soon for sure it may not work out then the next man comes along and this may happen a few times …you don’t want your child meeting every potential wait and see what happened