My partner doesn’t want to meet my son

[MintWasp]

Looking for advice on starting new relationships with children involved.

I’m a divorced mum of a 5 year old boy, who I share custody of.

Fairly recently, 6 months ago, I started a relationship with someone who lives abroad. They are open to moving country and say they like children.

Since we started dating we’ve seen each other 5/6 times for long weekends and we talk every day. We also work together.

We’ve exchanged the love word and are both talking about trying to build our relationship. However my partner doesn’t want to meet my son yet, and says it’s too soon. I would like them to meet but would introduce my partner as mummy’s friend. Nothing serious.

We’ve both said we want to spend more time together and there is no barrier on my side, apart from that I have my son half of the time. My partner lives and works abroad away from home, and often spends weekends alone or travelling back to their home country when I’m not available. I’ve invited them to come and stay a few times when I’ve had my son with me and they’ve refused. I find this hard as I want to be together no matter what.

I feel like if this continues much longer I’ll have to end the relationship. I want to be with someone who accepts me as a mum and enjoys spending time with my son.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting this to change? Is it too soon? Or is this a red flag?

Thank you for listening 🙏🏼

My partner's a woman- but like most others, I assumed yours was male because (I think) it's statistically more likely.

The same caveats apply here. You shouldn't introduce your child until the relationship has real 'legs'.

Well. I can't amend my post stating bloke, my apologies, I made an incorrect assumption.

Question was - Does it change anything that this person is a woman?

Well, yes and no. In one way I suppose so, given that sexual abuse is FAR more likely to be a risk with men rushing into relationships with women than women IYKWIM.

From what i have read, lesbian relationships ARE run at a far faster pace than hetero ones, reasons for that are many, but you DO need to make sure that you take the time to get to know people before getting involved, especially when you have kids. Even if you take away the issue of potential harm to your son, you have the emotional turbulence to consider if relationships burn so bright then potentially fizzle or go out with a bang. Your girlfriend is being sensible and you need to take a step back and ENJOY the dating phase, not rush into domesticity. If this relationship is one that will go the distance, there is no panic, no rush, no fire. So take your time and enjoy getting to know one another, it will make the relationship far more likely to succeed.

I'm glad you are keeping your sense of humour about this, only you know the subjects in all this, but you do need a bit better perception of what the risks to your DS are, you need to ensure his home life is as stable as poss.

It's not a milestone, ffs. It's just words.

It’s rare that an OP listens and reflects on the opinions given on AIBU, so good on you OP.

It sounds like you’ve met someone nice, that is also really sensible about not meeting your son to soon. I would see it as a really good sign.

Keep building your relationship and if it stays strong, it’ll be all the better for not rushing. Good luck.

Thanks for the advice, genuinely. It was a little bit embarrassing to read all the comments, but the message was so clear it would be silly to ignore it. I definitely need to think about why I’m acting in this way and reassess my behaviour around safeguarding my son. It was a good wake up call.
I agree women may pose less of a physical danger but the emotional impact is still there and I need to acknowledge that.
I will try to chill out about the relationship and enjoy it. But that will be hard, because in lesbian terms we’re already practically married ;-)

A fairy just died :-/

You’re not really in love though. Not after meeting each other 5 or 6 time. It’s pie in the sky. Same as you trying to play happy families and have this person spend weekends with you and your son. Totally inappropriate and just fantasy. (Said as a single parent who understands that you feel lonely but you’re acting totally against the interests of your child and against all sense).

You've been together 12 days or so. It may be spread over 6 months but you've barely scratched the surface!

I agree. You're forcing this and it's way too soon. Your poor DC having a man you've known five minutes shoved into his life if you get your way.

You are going too fast and need to slow down but... I would like to ask a few questions.

Did your BF say it was too early to meet your child for the childs sake or his? Both are reasonable responses but it informs the way forwards.

How do you envisage this progressing as since you have joint custody, its unlikely Dad will allow you to move abroad with his child so will new boyfriend move here, if that is possible. Is he British or will he need to apply to gain entry to be able to live with you.

You are asking a lot of him and if he is not British, then him coming here, maynot be as fruitful as you hope. This means his reticence to meet your child is fortuitous on many fronts. Neither want to get hurt and forming attachments before you know the legal viability is another reason to hang back.

If he is British and can easily return, you are still asking a lot of your new fella. Be cautious. At the moment when you meet its like you are both free and single, your child is not in the mix to affect your availability, priorities and relationship - you are in an unreal state because this is not reality.

Your bf (he is not your partner - partners share everything) sounds like he is being sensible.

But before things progress, you need to answer the above questions about who would live where, if you haven't already. I'm thinking of you here, if he won"t/can't come here then what is the point of the relationship? You could be self sabotaging.

My husband and I were a long distance relationship and we spent 3 long, intense days with each other every fortnight and the fact is that in those three days we probably devoted more time to each other than we would have over the fortnight had we lived close to each other. BUT, it wasn't reality, we were in loved up bubble mode, when the normal woes of daily life come into the mix, its then you know if the relationship is a keeper so BF is right to hold back as long as its for the right reasons and you need to roll with this.

If you are serious, when you next see bf, sit down discuss realistic expectations about what needs to happen for him to meet
your child, this could be the passing of a set amount of time, agreement about who would live where or just confirmation that this relationship with you three as a family is actually something you both envisage happening in the distant future...if not, walk away.

It worked for me, it can work for you but you need to step outside the love bubble as your child comes first. Think with your head, address all issues and expectations and be realistic.

I wish you the love and happiness I have x

Way too early. You'd new partner is right and tbh I'd view you as a red flag for suggesting it. It's a New relationship!

I like your good humour OP - good luck to you, and I hope that in time (i.e. a reasonable time frame!) things work out as you would like them to :)

Can't really believe you have said the L word. The top priority is protecting your son which means taking things really really slowly. 6 months is too fast and 5 dates is way way way too fast.

And long distance isn't real if it starts out that way. Those weekends are fantasy time. You really don't know if you're compatible yet.

Safe to say, this thread didn't turn out as OP hoped / expected

But hats off to her for listening to advice

I agree with posters that this is too early. That said, do you have any concerns about your partner? Do you have any sense they’re trying to have two lives?

YABU
You say this man is your "partner" of six months, but that isn't truly the case. You've basically had less than 10 long dates! It's way way too soon for him to meet your son and good on him for setting this boundary. 6 months of a proper relationship is the minimum to wait to introduce a new partner.

OP - just wanted to say well done. You are taking all the comments on the chin with good humour and reflecting about your decision. Not many posters do that!

It's a massive exaggeration to call this person your "partner".

Being open to moving countries is just talk, meeting your son is real. Don’t try and fast track things, it’s still very early days. You are currently in a bubble enjoy this time for what it is.

Ignore this op. Most people would note this as an indicator of relationship seriousness. Its a verbal agreement that someone feels serious about someone.

This

Seriously too early. 6 months long distance? Five or six weekends? No chance I’d be introducing them to my child yet.

Having only seen him 5 - 6 times, I agree with him that it is way too soon to introduce him to your child.
Having him stay with you and lying to your child that he's just a friend is also a red flag imo, children pick up on far more than you think. When you do introduce them, I wouldn't have it be when your long distance part time boyfriend (sorry I really can't call him your partner) is staying with you.

Why are you talking about a boyfriend?