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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bring DD friend away instead of DSD

364 replies

2907fe9166a247bb9ghj3 · 04/03/2024 23:13

I’m taking DD11 away in a few months time to Rome for a long weekend. This is a birthday treat for her.

My husband (her dad) will be staying at home with our youngest.

DD asked if a friend could come and after searching for some deals I said she could. This is now booked for me, dd & her friend.

The problem that’s occurred recently is my DSD15 has recently found out I’m taking DD to Rome and has made noises about it being unfair that she’s not coming. DSDs mum has messaged tonight to ask why is DD friend is coming instead of DSD.

Am I being unreasonable taking DD friend? As it’s what my DD wants.

Just incase it gets asked. I paid for this trip out of my own wages, my OH has not paid for it.

OP posts:
Bitsiemcgee · 04/03/2024 23:18

Does dsd know all of those details?

You aren't doing anything wrong, of course you're not b u

TooBored1 · 04/03/2024 23:18

Not unreasonable at all. If you take a sibling, it becomes a family holiday and not a birthday treat.

KrisAkabusi · 04/03/2024 23:18

There's 60 pages of replies to a woman who is outraged that her step and biological children are being treated differently. Be interesting to see how this goes for you!

Lauren0000 · 04/03/2024 23:19

"This is a trip for dd birthday, but we are looking forward to planning something for all of us soon"

Thedogscollar · 04/03/2024 23:20

I'd say if your dd wants her friend to go with her and you are paying for it then I don't see that as a problem.
I'd maybe see more problems if your DSD lives with you and DH

murasaki · 04/03/2024 23:20

Two 11 year old that are friends are totally different from an 11 year old and a 15 year old. And it is your dd's treat, so what she wants takes priority.

PrimalLass · 04/03/2024 23:20

KrisAkabusi · 04/03/2024 23:18

There's 60 pages of replies to a woman who is outraged that her step and biological children are being treated differently. Be interesting to see how this goes for you!

In terms of a family wedding not the birthday of one of the children who is going away with one parent.

Notimeforaname · 04/03/2024 23:20

She's mad. It's your child's birthday present. Nothing to do with her older step sister.

Marblessolveeverything · 04/03/2024 23:22

Is her father going to bring her somewhere comparable on her birthday?

If not why not? It's pretty poor for her to see her sister being treated better.

I don't think the 15 year old is going to appreciate you are paying etc, you are a couple, her dad is facilitating your trip.

theduchessofspork · 04/03/2024 23:23

Of course not, your DD gets to choose who she wants. And it’s not likely she’d choose her DSS given the 4 year age gap.

Your husband needs to point out to your ex she is one cheeky fucker, and you don’t want to hear any more about it.

Bitsiemcgee · 04/03/2024 23:23

Marblessolveeverything · 04/03/2024 23:22

Is her father going to bring her somewhere comparable on her birthday?

If not why not? It's pretty poor for her to see her sister being treated better.

I don't think the 15 year old is going to appreciate you are paying etc, you are a couple, her dad is facilitating your trip.

How is her dad facilitating the trip?!

Ellmau · 04/03/2024 23:24

If your dh as going too then it would be wrong to leave out DSD. But this is a mum-DD trip.

Presumably DSD comes on all the family holidays.

Thepossibility · 04/03/2024 23:25

“it's a birthday present for DD. DH and younger sibling also aren't invited."
It would be different if your whole family was going and excluding DSD, but that isn't the case here.

theduchessofspork · 04/03/2024 23:26

Marblessolveeverything · 04/03/2024 23:22

Is her father going to bring her somewhere comparable on her birthday?

If not why not? It's pretty poor for her to see her sister being treated better.

I don't think the 15 year old is going to appreciate you are paying etc, you are a couple, her dad is facilitating your trip.

That’s a matter for the OP’s husband and his ex to sort out.

A 15 year old is old enough to understand that the OP has a job and is funding it out of that, and also that you get to choose who you take on a birthday trip.

Merryoldgoat · 04/03/2024 23:29

For me this boils down to a few things:

  1. will DSD have a comparable trip?
  2. If you had another bio child would they come with you?

I don’t think she has to go but she should have the same kind of trip for her birthday with her dad and a friend.

However I wouldn’t exclude her personally.

Sorry see you have a younger child. Point 2 is therefore moot.

Screamingabdabz · 04/03/2024 23:30

I think who is paying for the trip is neither here nor there to a teenager.

She sees that one of your husband’s daughters is getting the trip of a lifetime and his other daughter is left out. To rub salt in the wound, another random girl is going to benefit also.

I can see why posters are saying it’s about the 11 year old and nothing to do with the older sibling, but I can totally see why she’d be upset and hurt. I feel sorry for her.

Marblessolveeverything · 04/03/2024 23:31

@Bitsiemcgee he is minding the lo."My husband (her dad) will be staying at home with our youngest"

@theduchessofspork yes it is, but don't you not see that at 15 you see your sister heading to Rome? Surely her father has considered the inequity?

It is a dh issue and I would be very disappointed to see a father see his two children treated inequitable.

At 15 yes you are not a child you are also not an adult.

Whokilledrogerrabit · 04/03/2024 23:32

You're not unreasonable here. If DH and younger DD were going too, maybe it could be seen as unfair for DSD. As it stands in these circumstances, it's not a family holiday and DD should be able to take the friend she wants to.

roseheartfly · 04/03/2024 23:33

It's none of her business and perhaps your DH should suggest she takes her DD away if she'd like to go.

Whokilledrogerrabit · 04/03/2024 23:39

Screamingabdabz · 04/03/2024 23:30

I think who is paying for the trip is neither here nor there to a teenager.

She sees that one of your husband’s daughters is getting the trip of a lifetime and his other daughter is left out. To rub salt in the wound, another random girl is going to benefit also.

I can see why posters are saying it’s about the 11 year old and nothing to do with the older sibling, but I can totally see why she’d be upset and hurt. I feel sorry for her.

The DH hasn't organised the trip and isn't paying for it. If DSD15 had a trip organised by her own mother which younger half siblings weren't invited to, I'm not sure anyone would view that as unfair?! They'd surely say they have their own mother to do girly trips away with. I'm not sure why anyone is saying the 15 year old should automatically get to go - their other daughter isn't going either and, again, her mother can always organise something if she's that upset. OP shouldn't be pressured into inviting and paying for her out of some misplaced duty IMHO.

Original poster
2907fe9166a247bb9ghj3 · 04/03/2024 23:40

Marblessolveeverything · 04/03/2024 23:22

Is her father going to bring her somewhere comparable on her birthday?

If not why not? It's pretty poor for her to see her sister being treated better.

I don't think the 15 year old is going to appreciate you are paying etc, you are a couple, her dad is facilitating your trip.

Her brother isn’t getting a trip either?

OP posts:
Bunda · 04/03/2024 23:43

Presumably dsd's mum takes her away too.

What you're doing is totally fine.

Codlingmoths · 04/03/2024 23:45

KrisAkabusi · 04/03/2024 23:18

There's 60 pages of replies to a woman who is outraged that her step and biological children are being treated differently. Be interesting to see how this goes for you!

Why sure, that thread is totally comparable. Or, it would be if 1. the dsd lived with them 100% if the time and never saw her mum or mums side of the family. AND 2. If the whole family - dad, little kid, ds and mum - were going but finding a babysitter for her to stay home.
neither of those are true. In this case the op just replies oh sorry you’ve got the wrong idea here. It’s not a family trip, it’s dds birthday and she asked if she could bring a friend so I said yes. Dh and <little brother> aren’t coming either.

May146 · 04/03/2024 23:46

If it was a family holiday/or younger sibling except for DSD I can see how that would be seen as unfair. Is she really close to her sister and is upset she’s missing out having a girlie break away with her?

Is the friend not contributing to the holiday? I’ve been on holiday with friends as a kid but my parents always contributed to the cost e.g plane ticket/food. It doesn’t take away how DSD is feeling but it would make more financial sense as to why the budget doesn’t stretch that far.

Perhaps her Dad could take her on a holiday with a friend for her 16th. As regardless of whether she is upset to not be on holiday with her Sister, there is probably an element of wishing someone had taken her on holiday for a birthday. Unless of course you now say she also got a break away for her 12th birthday.

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/03/2024 23:48

So her mother thinks that she and the girls father should stay at home and you take their daughter away on holiday? That's absolutely crazy.

If anyone told me that I couldn't take my own daughter on holiday I would dump them. if her daughter is living with the OP's partner, it's really nice for her to have some time away just with her mother.