To bring DD friend away instead of DSD

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I’m taking DD11 away in a few months time to Rome for a long weekend. This is a birthday treat for her.

My husband (her dad) will be staying at home with our youngest.

DD asked if a friend could come and after searching for some deals I said she could. This is now booked for me, dd & her friend.

The problem that’s occurred recently is my DSD15 has recently found out I’m taking DD to Rome and has made noises about it being unfair that she’s not coming. DSDs mum has messaged tonight to ask why is DD friend is coming instead of DSD.

Am I being unreasonable taking DD friend? As it’s what my DD wants.

Just incase it gets asked. I paid for this trip out of my own wages, my OH has not paid for it.

Of course she is being bratty. It sounds like she has had plenty of holidays with her mum, and she has another one planned. I'm guessing that she isn't arguing that her younger step siblings are being mistreated if they aren't being taken on these trips as well.

This isn't a family trip from which she is being excluded. It's a mum/daughter trip for the 11yo's birthday. The older girl has done her own trips with her mum, which I'm pretty sure the 11yo wasn't invited on. At 15, she is old enough to understand this.

Can dsd get a similar trip instead for her and a friend ?

treating people equally does not mean treating people the same. It’s DDs birthday treat and her preference is to take her friend. Totally reasonable.

DSD should also get a birthday treat of her choice. If she for example, decides she wants to go to a London show, will she have to take her sister? I would think not - she’d probably rather take a friend. This is equal treatment.

the same would apply to full biological siblings - at ages 11 and 15, they are likely to prefer spending times with friends than each other.

That’s up to her own mother, isn’t it?

If her mum is willing to pay for this and organise it, then I don't see why not?

I can’t believe the mum texting you that 😂

If it was a family holiday and you were leaving DSD out then fair enough. But you going away with one of your children and her friend as a birthday treat is totally different.

Very strange behaviour!

I don’t have stepchildren but 2 children of my own. I’ve always said I will try and go away with them individually for some bonding time, I think a city break is a lovely idea.

The mother can do this

I do agree that her dad could offer her a similar birthday treat though. As it could seem like they are being treated unequally otherwise. It’s not fair as you are paying but kids don’t see it that way.

Why not the dad?

It boils down to this.

The step-daughter's mother may not be able to afford a trip like that. This makes it unfair in my eyes.

This is the adults' problem to solve.

This should have been in the OP. It does change things.

The dad isn’t arranging this trip. If he arranged one for his older daughter, he’d have to do something for his other children as well, to be fair.

This is a mother / daughter trip. If DSD wants the same, her mother should arrange it.

Dad has nothing to do with it.

What happens when it’s his daughter’s birthday? If you’re treating the children vastly differently then that is very unfair. What you do with your son is irrelevant to this particular issue as is how her mum treats her. Taking a friend abroad for an 11th birthday is a quite unusually large treat for one child of the family. It’s fine to say that you’ll do equivalent for each at some point before they’re 16 and let them choose large party etc but it’s not fine to favour one

Well, seeing as your dd didn't get invited on any of those trips it makes the pair of them CFs of the highest order!

"Hello Ex...I think there is some sort of confusion over my dds birthday trip. I am the one solely paying for it and aside from me no other family members are going. It's not a family holiday but a mother/daughter trip for DD and the best friend her own age that she has chosen to keep her company. Could you perhaps gently explain to DSD that her not being included in DDs birthday gift isn't a personal thing - her father and DS are also not coming? It's very similar set up wise to the holidays you and DSD go on and obviously I'd never dream of suggesting you take my DD and DS on your personal holidays together. Perhaps if she could reflect on your past holidays and the upcoming holiday to Greece she would see that there is no unfairness or ill intent - DSD has had holidays with you and my dd is just having a mother daughter trip with me on this occassion."

It is a trip being arranged as part of her dads family and not her mums. In order to keep it fair each child in the family should get a trip with a parent.

So if the dad has to balance out any trips or treats offered to the 11yo by her mother, by offering comparable trips or treats for the 15yo, does he also have to balance out any trips or treats offered to the 15yo by her mother, by offering comparable trips or treats to the 11yo?

As it could seem that they are being treated unequally otherwise, with one child getting twice as many trips and treats?

The step-daughter's mother may not be able to afford a trip like that. This makes it unfair in my eyes.

It is not a stepmothers problem to make up for the DSDs lower earnings.

It doesn’t involve any of her parents, though.

This Is a mother / daughter trip, not funded by DSD’s dad. If DSD wants her own trip, her mother can arrange one.

It would be different if her dad was involved at all. He isn’t.

No, they should balance out trips in their family. What the other parents do is up to them and does not need to be covered.
balancing it out could be the son getting trips with each of his parents and doesn’t necessarily need to be straight away but in upcoming years.

He wouldn’t take DSD away with a friend. He would take DSD away but not the friend as well as he/we are not close to her friends like we are for our DD friend.

DSD went to a different secondary school then most of her primary friends so she made new friends at secondary level and as anyone with teens can imagine the are not the most talkative to parents.

He wouldn’t feel comfortable.

So many double standards where the mum is the step mum versus posts where it is the dad who is the step parent.

Your DDs birthday treat so her choice of who goes with you both.
Two 11 year olds on a birthday treat us very different to and 11 year old and a15 year old. I’d have thought a 15 year old would understand that.

Yes, I agree that they should balance it out in their own family. So, both girls will have been on trips with their mum. The younger ds should also get a trip with his mum at some point in the future. That would be fair.

If dad decides to do any trips with any of his children, then he should ensure that he does the same for each child.

Maybe an opportunity to get to know her friends.
arent you a bit sad that you/ her dad don’t know her friends. Do you not have them over at your house at all? Maybe start small and have a trip out with her and a couple of friends.

Except there IS no problem to solve