To bring DD friend away instead of DSD

[2907fe9166a247bb9ghj3]

I’m taking DD11 away in a few months time to Rome for a long weekend. This is a birthday treat for her.

My husband (her dad) will be staying at home with our youngest.

DD asked if a friend could come and after searching for some deals I said she could. This is now booked for me, dd & her friend.

The problem that’s occurred recently is my DSD15 has recently found out I’m taking DD to Rome and has made noises about it being unfair that she’s not coming. DSDs mum has messaged tonight to ask why is DD friend is coming instead of DSD.

Am I being unreasonable taking DD friend? As it’s what my DD wants.

Just incase it gets asked. I paid for this trip out of my own wages, my OH has not paid for it.

I'd text this to your DSD's Mum. Also staying that I was personally paying for my own DD's birthday treat and paying for her friend to go as part of birthday treat. But when her own DD had a birthday she could also sort out a birthday treat for her.

The fact that OP is taking only one of her biological children and the father isn’t going is what makes the ex super unreasonable. If they were all biologically the OP’s, then I wonder if the “you’re so unreasonable” gang would be saying the same thing. It’s ok to treat children differently because they are different. Clearly the DSD would like a birthday trip and it’s her birthday coming up so should ask her parents. She shouldn’t be forced to invite her younger sister either.

And as if you'd take your DSD whilst leaving your own son at home. Madness.

This is singularly one of the most vile and hateful things I’ve ever read on MN. If this is the way some of you genuinely feel about teenage girls in your families it makes me want to weep for them.

@Screamingabdabz I agree - what a horrible post.

What has your husband said about these messages from his ex - does he think she's in the wrong, or has he tried to talk to you about taking DSD?

YANBU - it's your daughter's trip, she wanted the friend with her, take the friend and enjoy it, but maybe your husband should be the one to handle it with DSD and with his ex (whether that involves a separate trip for DSD or not).

He just rolled his eyes and said silly cow. That was it.

DSD won’t be getting a trip this year. Her Birthday is soon and she’s already asked for something else which we have paid for.

One of the things I find odd is how many people are comparing DSD’s mum taking OP’s children to OP taking DSD. That seems a really odd comparison. As if a step mum should have the same relationship with her step kids that a mum does with her ex husbands kids that she’s probably never even met. I don’t think OPs being unreasonable here but I just find that comparison strange.

It's not wrong though

Once again, that's not the point posters are trying to make.

It's that SD and her mother frequently have holidays just the two of them with no half siblings.

But OPs daughter shouldn't be allowed that same type of holiday with her mum according to SD and her mother.

SD doesn't want her half sister having a holiday with her actual mother, when she gets them all the time. And for her stepmother to fund it out of her own overtime and hardwork. SD already has two parents who take her on holidays, but now she wants her stepmum to take her on separate holidays as well, when OPs kids don't get three lots of holidays.

No one is actually suggesting that OPs kids should go on holiday with their father's ex wife. The point is that both SD and her mother are being very meanspirited towards OP and her daughter, not to mention grabby and they want things to be unequal for OPs kids with no intention of ever returning the favour.

‘Singularly one of the most vile and hateful things I’ve ever read on MN’

Wow. Your SD & her mum sound ridiculously entitled.

You're doing something special with your daughter. It's none of their business. Your daughter wouldn't expect to be included if they were doing a mother/daughter trip would she? It's ridiculous! You absolutely don't need to take SD or feel guilty about it.

@2907fe9166a247bb9ghj3

He just rolled his eyes and said silly cow. That was it.

Well that's refreshing - usually expect the father in these situations to try and persuade the stepmother to listen to the mother and include/pay for the stepchild. Enjoy your holiday away with your daughter and her friend. 🌹

I think it’s because when you take the man out of the equation (and he isn’t going on the trip so is technically out of the equation in these circumstances), they are both just two mums concentrating on their own respective children. OP just as much as the ex.

I know, I know.. regardless of whether the father is coming the op still has a relationship with dsd. BUT, I do think that when the father isn’t going on these trips it does make both women equal in terms of whether they choose to invite each other’s children. Hence the sort of valid point, “Is she gonna take your child then?”

People love to say it as some sort of ‘gotcha!’ But it’s not comparable in the slightest!

I'm not sure who these people are that would happily pack their kids off on a holiday with their partners ex for ‘fairness!’ or whether they’re just too dim to understand what they’re saying.

15 year old girls aren’t by default ‘pricks’.

If they are ‘moody and aggrieved’ then that is because they are going through a difficult transition of development and there is a back story behind that behaviour. I guess some parents find it easier to just blame the child though.

If grown adults don’t guide and mentor them with love, and just write them off as moody worthless ‘pricks’ whose feelings and humanity don’t matter then that is shameful. And poor parenting.

Oh calm your farm, I'm sure no-one on here is calling their 15 year old daughters pricks to their faces, nor are they writing them off as worthless.

The drama

This

“It was originally planned as a mother-daughter trip for DD’s birthday. However, DD wanted her best friend to come too as I guess it may be more enjoyable having someone her own age there as well. That’s all. Husband and DS are not coming either as it was not intended as a whole family trip, as DSD would of course have been invited if that was the case”.

Think they will guilt trip you tbh but why shouldn’t you do something nice with your own daughter!

Yes, guide them with love, to not be pricks.

Basically, parenting 101. Which her DM isn’t doing

Calm down. No one is saying it to her face

You don’t have to explain yourself IMO. You and your DD, and her best friend are going away. You don’t have to justify yourself to anyone.

I think DSD and her mum are just being difficult.

Send them a link to a hotel in Rome, and some flights.

Next time, don’t tell them. Let them find out afterwards.

My 8 year old and I are off to Belgium with the choir we are part off in April. My 13 year old couldn't give a monkeys that he isn't invited. Your sd is old enough to understand not everything is about her and this is a birtjday treat for your youngest. Presumably your sd will be given the same opportunities at some point?

This isn’t about being treated differently. This is a birthday present.

I don’t see anything wrong with you taking your DD and her friend away to Rome. If DSD wants to go, then surely her own mum should want to take her. I’m not really sure why she would expect to come with you. It would be different if you were all going and excluding her, that would feel unfair but I think you are being perfectly reasonable here.

This