To bring DD friend away instead of DSD

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I’m taking DD11 away in a few months time to Rome for a long weekend. This is a birthday treat for her.

My husband (her dad) will be staying at home with our youngest.

DD asked if a friend could come and after searching for some deals I said she could. This is now booked for me, dd & her friend.

The problem that’s occurred recently is my DSD15 has recently found out I’m taking DD to Rome and has made noises about it being unfair that she’s not coming. DSDs mum has messaged tonight to ask why is DD friend is coming instead of DSD.

Am I being unreasonable taking DD friend? As it’s what my DD wants.

Just incase it gets asked. I paid for this trip out of my own wages, my OH has not paid for it.

Why doesn’t your DH’s ex take your DSD to Rome for the weekend (not the same weekend)? That would be treating them equally.

Totally incomparable. The same comparison would be if entire family going plus cousins and dsd excluded. Not only dd and friend going.

It’s a birthday present for the OPs DD, the SD has already picked her next birthday present.
It means she would be getting an extra expensive present if DH took her away.

Her mum can take her if it’s so important.

That’s what I was saying. That the fair and equal thing would be for the SD’s mother to take the SD on a similar break.

What an 11 y/o wants to do does not align with a 15 y/o. If she'd asked to come in the early stages it would've been a possibility but now it's a trip for DD and her friend of the same age.

You're not excluding DSD out of spite or hate; it's a trip for DD and her friend. Your DSD needs to understand that.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable.
It’s your daughters birthday and she naturally wants to take a friend of her choosing.
It’s actually nothing to do with DSD or her mum!
I’d politely respond that it’s for DD’s birthday so she’s taking a friend!

@YorkBound its not even the same situation/not comparable…..

The correct comparison would be
“OP would you mind if DSD’s mother took DSD on holiday and didn’t invite your 11 year old DD?!…….

which I’m pretty sure OP wouldn’t mind because everyone is allowed to take their own child on holiday without other people demanding their child should be invited!

DD’s Dad isn’t even going so it’s not the same as him taking his other child away without OP’s DD!

I was thinking about that too!

tbh I’m on the fence… on one side there’s no reason to include her since it’s not a family holiday as your DH & other DC are staying at home. On the other, if your DD wanted to take someone with her it’s a shame you couldn’t have persuaded her to invite your 15 year old DSD who I’m sure she would have had a blast with, they would both have had the experience and you wouldn’t be paying for someone else’s kid to have that experience off your own back.

DSD’s mum doesn’t really have an argument & you can just say it’s not a family holiday which (of course) she would be invited on. IMO it’s a missed bonding opportunity but that’s besides the point.

Surely in this scenario, although DSD will miss out on a 'bonding' experience with DD, DSD and DS can 'bond' over being excluded from DD's birthday trip. So DSD will be able to 'bond' with at least one of her siblings - no need for her to go on the trip to do this.

DD and DSD are not close. Despite the age difference not being huge.
They're just very different people, both lovely.

As far as I know they don’t really chat when dsd is not here either. Maybe the Odd meme but that’s it.

I don’t think either of them are bothered about bonding. I can’t see them being close as adults (at the moment and that could chang!). I think DSD just didn’t like it that DD was going away and she wasn’t.

There's a huge difference between an 11 year old and a 15 soon to be 16 yer old! And the 15 year old has had trips abroad with her mother which the 11 year old didn't even think of asking if she could go too.

There are just some situations in blended families when the right thing to do means other siblings and or half-siblings and or step-siblings missing out. This is one of them.

Maybe I'm missing the point. DSD goes away with her DM and your DC are not invited yet your DD goes away and it's expected that you will take her?

If you were going to Scotland or Wales would DSD still be kicking up a fuss?

So does this mean you can never take your DD to the cinema, or shopping with a friend? You have to invite DSD to tag along?? Or if her birthday was a macdonalds with her best friend should best friend be kicked aside and DSD come instead?
Does DSD invite DD along to ALL her holidays and parties?

Does the ex buy birthday presents for your DC?? I mean everyone is arguing that they’re siblings… so the expectation would surely be that she sends gifts from DSD? … I doubt it!!

Your DC have to undoubtedly see her unwrap presents from their dad and mum and she’ll also sit and talk about all the things she got from her mum…. Your kids get 1 set of presents and their half sister gets double… if she came on all holidays with you she’d get double the holidays too! Life isn’t always fair for either step children or DC…. It goes both ways!

And this isn’t a family holiday, it’s a mother daughter and best friend thing for a birthday…. And last time I checked birthday children invite who they want to come to their birthday treat.

It’s actually non of your husbands ex’s business what you do with your own DC, neither is it your step daughters business. I’d message them saying you think they’ve misunderstood the situation, this is Laura’s birthday treat and she’s taking her best friend! Dad and other siblings aren’t going!

What are you getting your son for his birthday? Is he getting a 1:1 trip abroad with you too and your dd staying at home?