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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bring DD friend away instead of DSD

364 replies

2907fe9166a247bb9ghj3 · 04/03/2024 23:13

I’m taking DD11 away in a few months time to Rome for a long weekend. This is a birthday treat for her.

My husband (her dad) will be staying at home with our youngest.

DD asked if a friend could come and after searching for some deals I said she could. This is now booked for me, dd & her friend.

The problem that’s occurred recently is my DSD15 has recently found out I’m taking DD to Rome and has made noises about it being unfair that she’s not coming. DSDs mum has messaged tonight to ask why is DD friend is coming instead of DSD.

Am I being unreasonable taking DD friend? As it’s what my DD wants.

Just incase it gets asked. I paid for this trip out of my own wages, my OH has not paid for it.

OP posts:
Katbum · 05/03/2024 06:56

‘It’s a treat for DD and she wanted a friend to come.’ End of. Don’t reply to SDs mother, that’s for your husband to sort. Not unreasonable at all. You are allowed to treat your own child. If your SD’s mother wants to treat her, she can open her own purse.

SilentlyCorrectingYourSpelling · 05/03/2024 07:03

For the same reason her younger sibling is not coming - it's a birthday treat, not a family outing.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 05/03/2024 07:04

The trip really isn't anything to do with dsd. Tell her it isn't personal, and not a family trip. Mother and daughter & bff trip not two sisters.

Her own dm can take her and her bff away. They have a nerve even thinking dsd can invite herself.

RinklyRomaine · 05/03/2024 07:07

I wouldn't give this too much thought OP. It's a birthday treat, your youngest and DH aren't going, it's none of the ExW business. I'd simply say to DSD, well, you best talk to your dad about what you want this year and smile. I bet a zillion pounds that if she wants a similar trip she will NOT want 11yo tagging along.

TwoShades1 · 05/03/2024 07:08

Perfectly reasonable. UNLESS dsd and dd are good friends. Then I think I would have offered the invite to dsd first. But if they aren’t particularly close it would be a bit odd to take her on your daughters birthday trip.

JustOneFootInFrontOfTheOther · 05/03/2024 07:17

DSDs mum has messaged tonight to ask why is DD friend is coming instead of DSD

“Why? because it’s not a family holiday, it’s a trip for DD & friend.”

YorkBound · 05/03/2024 07:21

Assuming that if your DH took dsd away for a trip to New York, dd and you would be fine about that? If so, crack on.
Is DS your dh's child only or yours too?

MamaDollyorJesus · 05/03/2024 07:26

Is your DH father of both girls? What does DSD get for her birthdays? 11 isn't really a special birthday - are city breaks a standard birthday gift/treat in your family?

I can see why DSD is upset if her standard of birthday gift/treat isn't the same - she'll be 16 next birthday (a relatively special birthday) what plans are there for this?

My DC will have incomparable birthday treats/gifts this year. DS is getting city break for his 16th & DD1 is a leap day baby so last week she got a trip to the hair salon, a shopping trip & lunch out on her birthday along with gifts, balloons, cake etc DD2 doesn't have a special birthday this year so will get a standard birthday gift/treat within the regular birthday budget but when she was 16, 18 & 21 the other 2 didn't have special birthdays & she got extra special gifts/treats then while they got the standard birthday.

So I'm definitely not against special birthday treats/gifts but they do have to be fair & if this is a sudden change to the standard (or your DD always gets much nicer gifts/treats) then it's not really fair & your DH needs to be looking at that & doing something about it especially if he's father of both girls - if he's not then it's a bit more difficult but personally I'm not a fan of children in the same household being treated differently irrespective of parentage & what happens at the "other" house, as long as they are all treated fairly in mine.

ButterBastardBeans · 05/03/2024 07:27

Do nothing until after the trip and then send her the details as she is free to arrange a trip with her DD just as you have with yours.

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 05/03/2024 07:28

DD's mother is bringing her away for her birthday. If SD's mother would like her DD to go on a weekend away let her organise it.
I'd just ignore it all now.

As for someone mentioning DD being brought on a "holiday of a lifetime" and SD being left out? It's a city break, weekend in Rome. Not a month in Dubai.

If SD's parents would like her to have a weekend away they should arrange to bring her. Not expect someone else to.

Nicole1111 · 05/03/2024 07:30

Simple reply required here. “Because it’s dd’s birthday and she wishes to take her friend away”.’ If she questions this you can ask whether she’ll be inviting your dd to all her daughters birthday treats and to any trips she takes her daughter on. If she asks what dsd is getting for her birthday your reply can be, “I’m not sure, that’s between you and her father”.

3peassuit · 05/03/2024 07:32

It’s not a family holiday, it’s a birthday treat for your DD. Your DSD’s mother is being unreasonable.

Thegoodbadandugly · 05/03/2024 07:32

It's your child's birthday treat, it's not like the whole family are going along as your youngest child is staying at home, so she's being very unreasonable.

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 05/03/2024 07:34

I don't think YABU but I can see why the 15 yo would be hurt and upset. She's a teenager and sees your DD getting an amazing birthday present and she's not and to rub salt in the wound a friend is also coming.

Maybe you should suggest your DH does something with her for her birthday? Sorry I've not RTFT so apologies if you've answered this.

Keepitwarm · 05/03/2024 07:35

Obviously only you know the family dynamic but you've been in this girl's life for at least 11 years, since she was little. That's enough time for family norms to be established. I appreciate her dad could have taken her away for a birthday trip when she was that age but presumable funds or inclination didn't allow, but that's not his elder daughter's fault.

I don't think she should have been the automatic choice for this trip but I can see how she sees the inequity that exists in an established family.

FayCarew · 05/03/2024 07:39

The problem that’s occurred recently is my DSD15 has recently found out I’m taking DD to Rome and has made noises about it being unfair that she’s not coming. DSDs mum has messaged tonight to ask why is DD friend is coming instead of DSD.

Your DSD has her own mother. If it was your DSD and her mother going, would your DD be invited?

Lassiata · 05/03/2024 07:40

It doesn't matter who is paying. DD is perfectly entitled to have a friend rather than a sister, blood or step, on her birthday trip, as long as OP is willing to take the friend. It's no more to do with DSD than it would be to do with a different friend who wasn't chosen. Weird that a 15 year old wants along on an 11 year old's trip anyway.

Saymyname28 · 05/03/2024 07:42

If this was a trip with all your children, excluding DSD, especially bringing another unrelated kid. That would be really bad. But you're leaving your own kid at home.

This is you and one DD.

So long as DSD has the same option for her birthday, to go away with a friend with either her dad or you. It's fair.

ybotsemaj · 05/03/2024 07:43

3peassuit · 05/03/2024 07:32

It’s not a family holiday, it’s a birthday treat for your DD. Your DSD’s mother is being unreasonable.

What did the 15 year old do for her 11th birthday though

Lassiata · 05/03/2024 07:46

@ybotsemaj not OP's problem.

Waitingforsomethinginteresting · 05/03/2024 07:48

Lassiata · 05/03/2024 07:46

@ybotsemaj not OP's problem.

Bit harsh, if OP is actually in the SD's life it's not beyond reason she'd take an interest in what her step daughter does for her birthdays

TryingMyGoddamBestHere · 05/03/2024 07:51

ybotsemaj · 05/03/2024 06:52

What did DSD do for her 11th birthday?

I can see why she's upset, even if she's not being totally reasonable.

It's so shit being in a blended family - this thread is reason number 12,647

Oh please! A mum is taking her child away for a birthday treat. SD has a mum and I'm pretty sure she does stuff with the mum that birthday girl doesn't get to be involved with.
I take my DD to London to see shows, its our thing. DSD doesn't come along- this weekend DSD went on a trip with her mum, my D didn't go, see how this works - mum's doing things with their child!

Cheazy · 05/03/2024 07:51

I don’t think YABU but I do think your husband should do a similar trip for DSD and a friend.
its really hard being a stepchild, at that age you don’t see the realities of it - e.g mum just taking her daughter for a birthday treat, it’s very easy to feel rejected and trips like this amplify it. DSDs mum is probably just looking out for an upset girl and trying to protect her.
I can see both sides, but I do think it wouldn’t hurt for step parents in general to sometimes try and picture themselves in their step daughters position, as an already hormonal teen and see if it helps them look at these feelings from a place of empathy.

LittleMonks11 · 05/03/2024 07:53

Enjoy your trip with the girls sounds amazing.

DSD mum has a lot to answer for here. You're not doing anything wrong. If ex wife takes DSD away are you going to text her and ask why she isn't taking your DD and DS? Ridiculous. Your OH needs to speak to DSD about this. And ex wife.

Babsexxx · 05/03/2024 07:55

No yanbu! If she was home for her birthday and you threw a big party she would invite her friends and I highly doubt dsd would have any interest whatsoever with a bunch of 11 year olds! This is no different you’ve invited a friend to celebrate a birthday! The end.

I wouldnt continue to even think about it!