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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bring DD friend away instead of DSD

364 replies

2907fe9166a247bb9ghj3 · 04/03/2024 23:13

I’m taking DD11 away in a few months time to Rome for a long weekend. This is a birthday treat for her.

My husband (her dad) will be staying at home with our youngest.

DD asked if a friend could come and after searching for some deals I said she could. This is now booked for me, dd & her friend.

The problem that’s occurred recently is my DSD15 has recently found out I’m taking DD to Rome and has made noises about it being unfair that she’s not coming. DSDs mum has messaged tonight to ask why is DD friend is coming instead of DSD.

Am I being unreasonable taking DD friend? As it’s what my DD wants.

Just incase it gets asked. I paid for this trip out of my own wages, my OH has not paid for it.

OP posts:
makeanddo · 05/03/2024 07:56

I would have shut this on the head straight away. It's your DDs trip for her birthday and she is entitled to invite who she wants. Apart from anything else the age gap is big, can't believe DSD would invite your DD if it was the other way round!

It's none of DSDs or her mother's business who is paying. I simply wouldn't enter into a conversation about it. Children do not need to know everything, it's often better they don't. I also don't believe you have to justify yourself to her.

DSD and her mother are entitled to do what they like without involving your DD and the same goes for you. Is DSD always so demanding?

ChocolateCinderToffee · 05/03/2024 07:58

Your DSD’s mother can take her away for a trip if she wants to pay for it herself.

FinallyFeb · 05/03/2024 08:01

What you are doing is fine, if the mother wants things to be equal then she needs to take her daughter and her friend on holiday.

171513mum · 05/03/2024 08:01

Presumably DSD and her mum don't invite OPs daughter along to everything thry do together. It it totally fine/normal for a parent to do something with one child for a birthday treat and for that child to choose who to take with them. The fact that the younger sibling is not going makes DSD even more unreasonable.

As others have said, will DSD be inviting her 11 year old step sister along to her 16th birthday celebrations? I would be extremely surprised if the answer is yes.

Bollindger · 05/03/2024 08:03

This is your reply if you need to send one.

Hi ex wife.
Sorry you must have misunderstood.
This is not a family holiday.
It is DD's birthday gift .
Paid for by me, not sure what hubby is getting her.
Will let DSD know any plans we have for a family holiday this year so she can decide if she wants to go.
Thanks x

GelatoPistacchio · 05/03/2024 08:08

I think it's easy to forget how much siblings compare how their parents treat them and are on the look out for favouritism. It must be doubly so when you have half siblings.

As rational adults, you are not being unreasonable. But a 15 year old is probably going to be quite gutted that her own Mum and Dad didn't take her on a birthday trip at that age, and/or would just love to go to Rome. Completely understandable.

The nicest thing would be for her Dad to take her and a friend on a comparable trip for her 16th.

FayCarew · 05/03/2024 08:15

The nicest thing would be for her Dad Mum to take her and a friend on a comparable trip for her 16th.

WhamBamThankU · 05/03/2024 08:16

I'd actually tell DSDs mum that your travel plans are private. Literally nothing to do with her.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/03/2024 08:18

Screamingabdabz · 04/03/2024 23:30

I think who is paying for the trip is neither here nor there to a teenager.

She sees that one of your husband’s daughters is getting the trip of a lifetime and his other daughter is left out. To rub salt in the wound, another random girl is going to benefit also.

I can see why posters are saying it’s about the 11 year old and nothing to do with the older sibling, but I can totally see why she’d be upset and hurt. I feel sorry for her.

Would you feel equally sorry for the OP's 11yo if her 15yo stepsister went away with her own mum, and didn't invite the 11yo with them?

If dad was taking the 11yo on holiday, then I get why people would think that any other children should also be invited along or taken on an equivalent trip. Because the dad should not favour one of his children over the other.

But these girls both have mums. Why should the dsd be entitled to everything that the OP does for her daughter as well as everything that her own mum does for her? I'm pretty certain that the dsd's mum will not be expected to reciprocate for the 11yo and her younger brother.

Blended families are hard because they will always be inherently unfair. Unfortunately, that's just a fact.

Maraa · 05/03/2024 08:21

Usually I’d say it’s unfair to leave a step child out, however it’s your daughters birthday treat not a family holiday. It’s down to her choice. She could have presumably chose step sibling but she wanted a friend, that should be end of the matter x

Original poster
2907fe9166a247bb9ghj3 · 05/03/2024 08:23

CeeceeBloomingdale · 05/03/2024 06:48

If it was just you an DD I'd think it was fine but to take another kid before considering immediate family is a bit off imo.

If I was going to consider taking another child in the immediate family then surely I would pick my son?

Which I did consider but my DD asked for a friend instead.

OP posts:
Futb0l · 05/03/2024 08:34

The obvious solution is for DSD own mother to take her away for her birthday.

There's a bio sibling who isn't going, plus the shared parent is not involved.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/03/2024 08:36

Why are people saying the DH should be doing an equivalent trip with DSD? DD is going with her mum, she’s not getting a trip with her dad. Why does he only have to take his older DD somewhere and not the other mum?

Original poster
2907fe9166a247bb9ghj3 · 05/03/2024 08:36

YorkBound · 05/03/2024 07:21

Assuming that if your DH took dsd away for a trip to New York, dd and you would be fine about that? If so, crack on.
Is DS your dh's child only or yours too?

Well I wrote ‘our’ son to display he is both of ours.

New York and Rome are two completely different ballpark destinations for a start.

OP posts:
Futb0l · 05/03/2024 08:36

The nicest thing would be for her Dad to take her and a friend on a comparable trip for her 16th.

Well no, Dad isn't takimg younger DC on this trip, her mum is. It's DSDs mum who could take her away.

Original poster
2907fe9166a247bb9ghj3 · 05/03/2024 08:37

Just for clarification DsD has been away abroad with her mother. She’s been to the US, Spain, France & I think she’s going to Greece later in the year.

OP posts:
Futb0l · 05/03/2024 08:38

Assuming that if your DH took dsd away for a trip to New York, dd and you would be fine about that? If so, crack on.
Is DS your dh's child only or yours too?

This is not a reasonable comparison. Dad has nothing to do with this trip.

The fair comparison is if DSD mum takes her to new york for her birthday, which OP presumably would not mind in the least.

SecondUsername4me · 05/03/2024 08:40

Given that neither of the DSD parents or the DSDs siblings are going away, then it's batshit of the mother to question the OP.

SlowlyLurking · 05/03/2024 08:41

YANBU

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/03/2024 08:41

YorkBound · 05/03/2024 07:21

Assuming that if your DH took dsd away for a trip to New York, dd and you would be fine about that? If so, crack on.
Is DS your dh's child only or yours too?

This makes no sense. Surely the comparable situation would be for the dsd's mum to take her to New York, and the comparable question would therefore be whether the OP should demand that her dd should have the right to go with them on dsd's birthday trip.

Toomanyemails · 05/03/2024 08:42

KrisAkabusi · 04/03/2024 23:18

There's 60 pages of replies to a woman who is outraged that her step and biological children are being treated differently. Be interesting to see how this goes for you!

This isn't step and bio children treated differently. Read the OP - the youngest (bio sibling of the DD) will also stay home. It's about one child getting a birthday treat. As long as the other 2 get age-appropriate treats of their own on their birthdays, no issue.

Sapphire387 · 05/03/2024 08:43

God, the nasty language towards a fifteen year old here from some posters.

'Bratty'

'Moody, aggrieved little prick'

She's not. She's 15 and understandably jealous that your DD is getting a trip away and she isn't. Doesn't make her a bad person.

OP - you're not doing anything wrong, but it's up to your DH to think this through and see whether an equivalent can be offered to his older daughter.

Edit: just seen your update. All someone needs to do is point out to 15yo DSD that she has had plenty of trips too.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/03/2024 08:43

2907fe9166a247bb9ghj3 · 05/03/2024 08:37

Just for clarification DsD has been away abroad with her mother. She’s been to the US, Spain, France & I think she’s going to Greece later in the year.

And did you demand that your children went on those trips as well, in order to ensure fairness between siblings?

I'm guessing not. Quite why anyone thinks it should be different when you're taking your own dd away, I'm not quite sure.

Original poster
2907fe9166a247bb9ghj3 · 05/03/2024 08:45

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/03/2024 08:43

And did you demand that your children went on those trips as well, in order to ensure fairness between siblings?

I'm guessing not. Quite why anyone thinks it should be different when you're taking your own dd away, I'm not quite sure.

Show quote history

Ha ha absolutely not!

OP posts:
Believing8nSanta · 05/03/2024 08:46

It's your daughters birthday ... what does DSD has to do with this trip is beyond me so no yanbu. Enjoy your trip and explain kindly to the involved parties that this is her day and her decision as to who she wants there. I think it makes it better that her brother is not coming as well as it obviously means it's nothing personal.