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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say to DH this isn't even a discussion and I wouldn't be going on this holiday?

502 replies

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 11:48

Curious to see what others think of this request from DH as I just think it's a bit bizarre and unreasonable of him to expect.

We share one 4 year old and he has two older children who are 11 and 13 with an ex.

DH has never really been much of a holiday person and so in the years we've been together (6) we have never gone on holiday with DSC.

That's absolutely been his choice, I have said many times over the years I'd be happy to but he's never fancied it and they have always gone with their mum. We've had the odd weekend away in UK but nothing more with them.

I have been away with family and friends since we've been together and also since our child was born I have taken them away with my parents a few times too.

DH is now suggesting that he'd like to take DSC away in the school hols, great I said! Except it turned out in his mind what he was suggesting was us just taking DSC and asking someone to look after our 4 year old. Apparently according to DH it won't be a relaxing holiday with a young child and he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones that we can't do with our child yet. Said in a few years it'll be fine with our youngest.

I have been on a few holidays now with youngest and always enjoy them so I don't really get or appreciate his reasoning.

I have basically said under no circumstances am I going on a summer holiday with DSC and leaving our child at home. I won't even discuss it to be honest as it would feel absolutely wrong to me. I would not want to go off on holiday with other children and leave my own behind, I simply wouldn't enjoy it knowing we'd done that.

To make it absolutely clear, when I have been away with our child in the past he has not come. He has never been on an abroad holiday with our DC and not DSC so I have no idea why he thinks it'd be fine the other way around but to me it isn't.

He thinks I'm unreasonable, I don't. So what do you think please?

OP posts:
Original poster
NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 11:49

Just to add, our child has only just as in weeks ago turned 4 so still quite young.

OP posts:
LaMariposa · 04/03/2024 11:50

YANBU. How on earth could he think that a good idea?!
h

SgtJuneAckland · 04/03/2024 11:50

I think it would be ok for him to take his older children away as you've taken the youngest, but for you to go too and leave the youngest is very odd! If he takes his oldest two away without you and the youngest I would expect a second trip for just the 3 of you

Merrow · 04/03/2024 11:50

Isn't the solution that he goes alone with his older children to have the type of holiday he's envisioning?

Original poster
NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 11:51

SgtJuneAckland · 04/03/2024 11:50

I think it would be ok for him to take his older children away as you've taken the youngest, but for you to go too and leave the youngest is very odd! If he takes his oldest two away without you and the youngest I would expect a second trip for just the 3 of you

In his mind its less about fairness and more about it being not a "fun" holiday for him with a younger child and there's plenty of time to holiday with our youngest when they are a bit older like DSC.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 04/03/2024 11:52

That would piss me off.

Can he take the two oldest by himself, with a separate, 4 year old friendly holiday for the 3 of you?

Original poster
NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 11:52

He doesn't think it's unfair as he's never taken DSC away until they've been older either.

But then they have never had to watch him take another child on holiday either like our child would have to do so I don't know.

OP posts:
MumMumMumMumMumMumMum · 04/03/2024 11:52

How on earth does he think that's ok?! My 4 year old would be gutted to miss out.

losthj · 04/03/2024 11:52

Yanbu

You all go, or he goes with them and you go elsewhere with one.

Does he not realise you could all go, and some days do different activities?

Original poster
NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 11:53

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/03/2024 11:52

That would piss me off.

Can he take the two oldest by himself, with a separate, 4 year old friendly holiday for the 3 of you?

He wouldn't do this because it's not about fairness it's about not enjoying a holiday with young kids apparently. He only wants to go with DSC now because they are older.

OP posts:
Oohhyeah · 04/03/2024 11:54

He needs to take his kids alone, and leave you home with your shared child if he wants to do things not suitable for a small child.

Hoplolly · 04/03/2024 11:54

This my DH is going away with his two DC, and I am holidaying with mine and our joint child. We've tried different things but this is what works for us. Does mean that DH doesn't get to go on holiday with our joint DC though...

Twitch45 · 04/03/2024 11:55

YANBU.

Fine if he wants to take his older DC away by himself, but not fine for you all to go and leave the 4 yr old at home

Original poster
NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 11:56

Twitch45 · 04/03/2024 11:55

YANBU.

Fine if he wants to take his older DC away by himself, but not fine for you all to go and leave the 4 yr old at home

I'd be fine with this if he were open to going away with youngest too but he isn't.

OP posts:
Floatinginvacherin · 04/03/2024 11:57

So he only wants to go on holidays he enjoys, regardless of his kids?

I must have missed that memo for the last 15 years when I’ve spent my time going on child-centred holidays, like most parents do.

Bumblebeeinatree · 04/03/2024 11:58

Can you all go together and if he wants to do something more adult with the older DCs for a day they can go off and do it and you can stay by the pool or whatever with the younger one. I would have thought most things would be fine for them all, when mine were four they could walk further and faster than me. It seems daft to have a holiday and not take all the DCs.

lawanddisorder · 04/03/2024 11:59

Why did he have 3 children if he doesn’t enjoy spending time with children?

Original poster
NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 11:59

Floatinginvacherin · 04/03/2024 11:57

So he only wants to go on holidays he enjoys, regardless of his kids?

I must have missed that memo for the last 15 years when I’ve spent my time going on child-centred holidays, like most parents do.

Yes this is what it sounds like.

I don't really get it. I've been on holidays with our child since they were 1 years old and I've enjoyed all of them. Okay it's different to an adult only holiday but still enjoyable.

OP posts:
MidnightPatrol · 04/03/2024 12:00

Could you do something where you all do different activities.

eg. a beach holiday place where you can potter on the beach with 4 year old, but DH and older teens can do watersports, cycling, hiking etc?

Then spend evenings together?

I agree the four year old will be aware they have been left out.

Newbutoldfather · 04/03/2024 12:00

I kind of get where he is coming from, as long as the holiday isn’t over a week, and as long as you have grandparents who would happily take your 4 year old, and you could do another holiday with him.

There are some holidays which work well with an 11 year old and not with a 4 year ol d. And by the time the 4 year old is 11, the 11 year old will be 18, and probably not interested.

Luckily my two are close in age, so never had the dilemma. It would be interesting to hear from other families who have big age gaps here.

ManchesterLu · 04/03/2024 12:00

Merrow · 04/03/2024 11:50

Isn't the solution that he goes alone with his older children to have the type of holiday he's envisioning?

Yeah, this is the only real solution here.

Or, you all go, and then while you're there you can do some separate activities i.e. he goes walking with the older ones while you take the little one to play somewhere - or vice versa depending on how well you get on with his children.

Excluding one of your children isn't fair, and at 4, he is old enough to know.

FrenchandSaunders · 04/03/2024 12:01

All go together and he can go off exploring/walking with the elder two whilst you have an age appropriate day with the youngest. doesn't have to be every day, can mix it up.

I wouldn't be happy with this either OP.

Original poster
NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 12:01

Newbutoldfather · 04/03/2024 12:00

I kind of get where he is coming from, as long as the holiday isn’t over a week, and as long as you have grandparents who would happily take your 4 year old, and you could do another holiday with him.

There are some holidays which work well with an 11 year old and not with a 4 year ol d. And by the time the 4 year old is 11, the 11 year old will be 18, and probably not interested.

Luckily my two are close in age, so never had the dilemma. It would be interesting to hear from other families who have big age gaps here.

and you could do another holiday with him

But he won't do that. I could take our child away like I do already but DH wouldnt come with us. So I think it's unfair to go off with DSC but refuse to holiday with our child.

And he is fully expecting me to go if they did too. I can't imagine him going alone with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 12:02

Whatever DH does there is no way I'm holidaying with them but not our child.

OP posts:
Wheeeeee · 04/03/2024 12:03

He sounds incredibly self-centred and selfish. Is he like that in other areas?

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