To say to DH this isn't even a discussion and I wouldn't be going on this holiday?

[NellyNilly]

Curious to see what others think of this request from DH as I just think it's a bit bizarre and unreasonable of him to expect.

We share one 4 year old and he has two older children who are 11 and 13 with an ex.

DH has never really been much of a holiday person and so in the years we've been together (6) we have never gone on holiday with DSC.

That's absolutely been his choice, I have said many times over the years I'd be happy to but he's never fancied it and they have always gone with their mum. We've had the odd weekend away in UK but nothing more with them.

I have been away with family and friends since we've been together and also since our child was born I have taken them away with my parents a few times too.

DH is now suggesting that he'd like to take DSC away in the school hols, great I said! Except it turned out in his mind what he was suggesting was us just taking DSC and asking someone to look after our 4 year old. Apparently according to DH it won't be a relaxing holiday with a young child and he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones that we can't do with our child yet. Said in a few years it'll be fine with our youngest.

I have been on a few holidays now with youngest and always enjoy them so I don't really get or appreciate his reasoning.

I have basically said under no circumstances am I going on a summer holiday with DSC and leaving our child at home. I won't even discuss it to be honest as it would feel absolutely wrong to me. I would not want to go off on holiday with other children and leave my own behind, I simply wouldn't enjoy it knowing we'd done that.

To make it absolutely clear, when I have been away with our child in the past he has not come. He has never been on an abroad holiday with our DC and not DSC so I have no idea why he thinks it'd be fine the other way around but to me it isn't.

He thinks I'm unreasonable, I don't. So what do you think please?

Would you go on holiday with someone else's children and leave yours behind?

If I was an au pair then yes, I might have to. Otherwise, no.

So we take it he's not a super active, hiker and climber then who regularly takes his kids away camping on his own?
Why the sudden interest in an exploring holiday then involving activities a 4yr old can't do?

Why the hell couldn't you just bring a pushchair and put the youngest in that if they are tired walking?

He sounds weird to be honest and his argument is not stacking up, that leads me to believe that he has another motivation behind his reasoning...

Like 'you never take us on holidays' or ' you give too much attention to youngest, I want you to give me and MY kids all your attention, it's not fair boo hoo waa waa'.

What does he want you there for?

I can totally see why you don't want to go on this holiday BUT I think you should encourage/support him to take the DSC on holiday on his own. My teen DC had never been on holiday with their dad until this year for similar reasons and it really rankled with them.

Then don’t go

He cant force you onto a plane

Unfortunately you’ve caught a man someone else threw back into the sea and are suffering for it. He does not sound like a good husband or father

If "how much the adults enjoy it" is what he understands to matter most, then I would suggest explaining that you won't enjoy any holiday you go on with your SC whilst leaving your own child alone at home. Surely he can at least appreciate that your enjoyment is as important as his own?

He's a bit of shit also to never have taken his own kids away on their own with just him. Has he ever done that? And if not, why not?

He sounds like a lazy manchild who just wants his 'Mummy' to do everything for him including organise his holidays with his own children.

This was my first thought too.

I think some of it is probably separated dad guilt. I do personally feel be indulges DSC a lot when they are there because he feels bad they aren't there all the time. He's openly admitted to me before that he isn't as strict with DSC as he would be with our child in the future because of the situation and them not living with us full time. I do understand all of this (I'm a stepchild myself).

I think he just thinks this is another way to spoil older DCs and show them they are important. I don't necessarily think it's about dumping them on me whilst we're away but he'd definitely want me to be there so we were away as a family doting on DSC.

He's suggested things like this in the past about doing things separately with DSC, like days out, including me and leaving youngest behind.

I don't actually have a problem with him doing days out with DSC, I don't go typically unless it includes our child, but I understand why he wants to. But a holiday is definitely where I draw the line.

I was prepared to say you’re unreasonable, something about your title, but fuck me, what’s wrong with the man, who would even suggest that.

he needs to adapt the holiday to all his children. You know like normal people do. And holiday as a family.

id be utterly furious he even suggested it. Honestly I’d get the ick right there.

Yes, but Neody is saying it’s ok to do separate holidays. She’s not saying YOU have to go without your dc, but just let him go with his.

If there was only money for one family holiday then it would be unacceptable but it sounds like you go away often with DC.

I’m sensing some resentment to your DH an/or DSC.

EDIT: Cross post with your latest OP. I think you have bigger problems than this holiday with your update.

I would have a serious word with him that he is at big risk of alienating you and your son.

Sorted then. He goes walking with his eldest two, you go away with little one. No one's left out

The OP isn't trying to stop the dh from going with his own kids. There is no "let him" here. He is a grown man. The dh is insisting OP comes, alone, without their joint child. This is the issue.

He's suggested things like this in the past about doing things separately with DSC, like days out, including me and leaving youngest behind.

thwts awful, he sounds mentally deficient. Why can’t he just act as a family and stop trying to show his older kids they get preferential treatment.

honestly his behaviour is awful.

I don't think it would be ok for him to take his older dc on his own and leave his younger one, even though op has taken her dc alone. The husband has 3 children, op has one.

As I've said, I'm not preventing him from doing that. I can't force him to not get on a plane anymore than he can force me to get on one.

I personally disagree it would be reasonable to only holiday with some of your children and not consider doing the same with the other but I can't literally stop him.

The point of the thread is he expects me to go and thinks I'm unreasonable for not doing so.

On what planet is that sorted? They are family., and they have 3 kids between them,

This sums it up quite nicely. 👏

You really don’t need to explain the obvious to me, my posts have addressed it all. Read them again.

That's fine, he can take them and you can have a nice holiday somewhere else with your 4yo. I can't fathom taking someone else's kids on holiday and not my own, and I wouldn't.

He very clearly doesn't like being around children and wants you there to parent them for him while he has a holiday. You can't do that if you're parenting a much younger child too.

I think some of it is probably separated dad guilt.

No, it isn't. If it was guilt he would have taken his children on holiday before now. That is useless selfish Dad behaviour.

He's openly admitted to me before that he isn't as strict with DSC as he would
be with our child in the future because of the situation and them not
living with us full time.

And that's appalling. He intends to continue to spoil his older children and be "strict" on yours? He isn't trying to do better with all his children?

I do understand all of this (I'm a stepchild myself).

Oh dear. You'll need therapy to unpick your low expectations of fathers
and the roots of those expectations in your own childhood. Preferably before
your husband starts to bully your own child.

he'd definitely want me to be there so we were away as a family doting on DSC.

That's narcissism.

I don’t think it’s unfair for him to take dsc away on his own but not holiday with your shred dc this year. Like he says he hasn’t gone on holidays with dsc when they were younger and you will take dc away so got for it. I agree it’s seems odd for you to go with dsc and leave dc at home.

I understand that OP, which is why I was framing it as more like encouraging him to go so that DSC get a holiday with their dad, as they’ve never had one with him.

Poster said:

Fine if he wants to take his older DC away by himself, but not fine for you all to go and leave the 4 yr old at home’

You said:

I'd be fine with this if he were open to going away with youngest too but he isn't.

It reads as if you aren’t open to him taking his older DC away by himself.

@NellyNilly

Really, how very unreasonable of you not to fall in with the plans he wants. If you went you could bec Disney Mum to his Disney Dad.

No OP - he's the thoughtless and unreasonable one here. This man has never taken his children away on his own and still doesn't, as you'd be there doting on them and picking up the slack, whilst your own child - who you gave birth to - is left behind. He won't even contemplate going all together but doing separate events sometimes - now that is selfish!

I'd let him get on with it "first r the next few years" - I'm assuming when his youngest child is 11yo or older? With his youngest child noticing and getting upset they're being treated differently? Not much if a father in this instance is he? 🌹

Sorry I don't mean I understand as in I agree, I do not and I've said this to him previously.

My stepchild comment was that I understand why he may feel guilt or the need to indulge DSC a bit more, not that I agree it should happen.