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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say to DH this isn't even a discussion and I wouldn't be going on this holiday?

502 replies

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 11:48

Curious to see what others think of this request from DH as I just think it's a bit bizarre and unreasonable of him to expect.

We share one 4 year old and he has two older children who are 11 and 13 with an ex.

DH has never really been much of a holiday person and so in the years we've been together (6) we have never gone on holiday with DSC.

That's absolutely been his choice, I have said many times over the years I'd be happy to but he's never fancied it and they have always gone with their mum. We've had the odd weekend away in UK but nothing more with them.

I have been away with family and friends since we've been together and also since our child was born I have taken them away with my parents a few times too.

DH is now suggesting that he'd like to take DSC away in the school hols, great I said! Except it turned out in his mind what he was suggesting was us just taking DSC and asking someone to look after our 4 year old. Apparently according to DH it won't be a relaxing holiday with a young child and he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones that we can't do with our child yet. Said in a few years it'll be fine with our youngest.

I have been on a few holidays now with youngest and always enjoy them so I don't really get or appreciate his reasoning.

I have basically said under no circumstances am I going on a summer holiday with DSC and leaving our child at home. I won't even discuss it to be honest as it would feel absolutely wrong to me. I would not want to go off on holiday with other children and leave my own behind, I simply wouldn't enjoy it knowing we'd done that.

To make it absolutely clear, when I have been away with our child in the past he has not come. He has never been on an abroad holiday with our DC and not DSC so I have no idea why he thinks it'd be fine the other way around but to me it isn't.

He thinks I'm unreasonable, I don't. So what do you think please?

OP posts:
shenandoahvalley · 04/03/2024 13:09

Codlingmoths · 04/03/2024 13:01

Do you really think it’s totally reasonable for an adult to not take his kids on holidays because it’s just not fun enough for HIM? Thats pretty shit parenting isn’t it? I don’t cook boring pasta and peas because it’s fun for me. I don’t wash poo out of clothes because it’s so fun for me. I don’t rub disgusting suncream into sticky faces because I just love doing that. I take my kids on holiday partly because kids love holidays and I love my kids.

Show quote history

I find people are generally quite divided about this, “this” bring how child-centric life needs to be. I’ve never cooked separate meals for my DC (barring weaning) for example, but obviously when they’re incapable you do things for them that they can’t do and which need to be done (brush their teeth, bathe them, shop for them, cook for them, ferry them around, pay for stupidly expensive private education etc). But a holiday? No. My kids have been traveling since 3mo, first long haul flight for both was when they’d been vaccinated (6mo for us). They came with us, on our holidays. They did what we did. We have never consulted them on what they’d like to do, they’ve certainly never been decision makers. I will never take them to Disney or Center Parcs or whatever (that shop has sailed now anyway, they’re far too old). When they learned to ride bikes, they came with us on our rides.

I don’t think it’s shit parenting - in fact, I think it’s excellent parenting (obviously 😄). If you don’t enjoy holidays your kids can’t come on, don’t go on holiday. What would be shit parenting is him going on holidays his kids can enjoy and NOT taking them.

girlwhowearsglasses · 04/03/2024 13:10

shenandoahvalley · 04/03/2024 12:59

For me, the only thing that’s unreasonable is him expecting you to go on this holiday.

Totally okay not to want to holiday with a pre-schooler.

Totally okay not to mix a pre-schooler and tween + teen on holiday.

Totally okay to take his own kids away.

Totally okay to want to leave a 4yo behind on an active, walking holiday.

But why on earth does he need you to go with him and his dc? Does he expect you to do the packing, self-catering cooking and shopping, organising and deciding and booking and basically all the grunt work? To the point of leaving your own child behind?!

Because he really doesn't want to take his own kids away on his own. He wants OP to come and do wife work

Maray1967 · 04/03/2024 13:11

And yes - your DH is a selfish lazy arse of a man, and I know how lucky I am that my DH wouldn’t even think of suggesting that we go on holiday only with DS1 and leave DS2 with grandparents.

IwishIcouldfinishabook · 04/03/2024 13:12

It sounds like he basically doesn't want to do any parenting on his own. Otherwise he would be happy to take his older children on holiday without you. Will you be the one stuck cooking and cleaning up after with his older children while you are separated from your own child, and he has 'fun'?

SmokedPaprikaPuffs · 04/03/2024 13:12

I think in your position I'd possibly suggest a weekend away somewhere in the UK with the older stepchildren and ask your family to have your child for 2 nights. Possibly, just to help facilitate him having the quality time with you and his older children that he's picturing.
Yanbu for not wanting to get on a plane and go on a big family holiday without your daughter though.

Another option could be centre parcs for the whole family where he could go off with the two older ones for excursions while you do other things with the four year old on a couple of days.

SecondUsername4me · 04/03/2024 13:13

I have kids. I'd happily go on a family holiday with my own dc, and I'd happily go on a childfree holiday with dh/friends.

no way on earth would I go on holiday with kids, and not bring my own. That's like the worst of both worlds. Missing my kids for a week, but still having to be around kids on a trip which is likely to still be kids focused. Literally awful.

Maray1967 · 04/03/2024 13:13

Yes, exactly. That’s what he’s angling at - no reason why he can’t take them on his own.

BurbageBrook · 04/03/2024 13:14

That's an awful idea and would be horrible to do to your 4yo. I'd be hurt on my child's behalf and appalled that he'd even suggest it.

Crunchymum · 04/03/2024 13:15

Just to be clear - has he ever been away with your shared DC?

Original poster
NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 13:15

Crunchymum · 04/03/2024 13:15

Just to be clear - has he ever been away with your shared DC?

No

OP posts:
anothermnuser123 · 04/03/2024 13:17

Dexterrolledoffthesofa · 04/03/2024 12:08

And he is fully expecting me to go if they did too. I can't imagine him going alone with them.

So he won't take his youngest child because then the holiday wouldn't be 'fun' for HIM.

He wants you to go so that you can pick up the slack of the DSC when THEY stop being fun for him.

What a knob.

I agree with this. It sounds like he wants you there for childcare and he doesnt want and has never wanted a holiday with young children because it doesnt suit him.

I would love to know what him generally being good with the DC looks like, because he sounds like he only wants to do things on his terms, regardless of what would be enjoyable for the kids.

In a word he sounds incredibly selfish.

anothermnuser123 · 04/03/2024 13:19

Fulshaw · 04/03/2024 12:17

This is so illogical that I’m wondering if there’s something else going on here. You say he’s ‘not a holiday person’ - could he be secretly anxious about travelling? Being away from home? Flying?

Im guessing what he means is he doesnt want a holiday thats revolving around a child and a younger child would ruin his enjoyment. He is happy to take the older ones as they are more likely to fall in line with what he wants!

Moier · 04/03/2024 13:20

Doesn't he want to see your child enjoy themselves on holiday? He's never been abroad before. What is he expecting? He can surely go off on days with his two walking,/ hiking.. then other days you can do things as a family.. swimming etc.

Original poster
NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 13:21

Moier · 04/03/2024 13:20

Doesn't he want to see your child enjoy themselves on holiday? He's never been abroad before. What is he expecting? He can surely go off on days with his two walking,/ hiking.. then other days you can do things as a family.. swimming etc.

He's been abroad before just never with any of the kids

OP posts:
5128gap · 04/03/2024 13:25

Its a tricky one, because I know what he means. There are some experiences that you only have a brief window of time to share with your DC, between them being old enough to participate and enjoy and young enough to want to do them with you. I also agree with him that many things aren't possible when a small child is part of the group. If I had good quality trusted care for my child, such as grandparents they'd have fun with, I'd not rule it out. If I didn't, I'd say, you go with the order ones DH and I'll stay home. I certainly wouldn't be offended and outraged by it.

CatherineofAmazon · 04/03/2024 13:26

I would tell him absolutely no.
As previously suggested it sounds like he can’t be arsed taking a little one away so hasn’t even bothered going with you and your shared child but wants to go with the older kids as they will need less looking after and he will look like the wonderful Dad taking the kids away.
He sounds like a right peach!!
I would be very pissed off if my husband had this attitude towards our child.
For him have the audacity to insist you go away with him and his children and leave yours at home is mind boggling.

sandyhappypeople · 04/03/2024 13:26

pikkumyy77 · 04/03/2024 12:46

Why are people so hard of reading?

OP doesn’t need some set of magic words to explain the obvious to her dh. And she is not preventing him from taking the older SC away solo. She is quite rightly refusing to leave her child alone So she csn serve as maid/mother to the older children without distractions that interfere with Disney dad’s plans.

She doesn’t need any lectures about blended families and compromise. She already compromises enough as she solo parents her child on holidays because husband-of-the-year doesn’t enjoy travelling with wife and child.

And she is not preventing him from taking the older SC away solo.

She is though, because she's said quite clearly that she doesn't approve of it, but can't physically stop him, that's not giving your blessing, that's begrudging him doing it, of course he's free to do it, but at what cost?

I personally think that she should be happy for him to take his step children on an age appropriate holiday by himself and give her full blessing.

He is utterly selfish for not going on holiday with his kids when they are younger, it's not about being fun for the adult, it's about wanting your kids to live their best lives and have those experiences, I understand if there's a cost or time restraint, but I don't know how you can be with someone who wouldn't want to do something fun for the kids because it doesn't appeal to him personally? He's an absolute pathetic excuse for a parent.

I'm not sure what all the discussion is about anyway tbf, he refuses to do something he doesn't want to do for the sake of his kids (holidays that aren't about his needs).. and OP doesn't want to do what he wants to do (go away without their 4 year old).. OP is 100% right on that front and well within the rules imposed by him of what they should and shouldn't have to do as parents, so I can't understand why it's even a discussion? You reap what you sow.

Lemonlula · 04/03/2024 13:26

Seems like he's avoidant with the 4yr old and is thinking more nice holiday for him rather than his family. He could still go hiking with DSC and meet up later given your already used to single parent holidaying to entertain yourself. Its unlikely teens will want to go hiking daily if it's more DH's preferred activity than theirs, although something he could've easily done on weekend trips with DSC but seems he hasn't.
Imagine need would need to plan with terrain/obstacles in mind but my friend bought a chunky 3 wheel buggy so they could carry on with their 10mile weekend hikes with small kids in tow and go on family bike rides so you could hire bikes with kid seats or trailers to all go out together.

SecondUsername4me · 04/03/2024 13:27

Maray1967 · 04/03/2024 13:13

Yes, exactly. That’s what he’s angling at - no reason why he can’t take them on his own.

Aside from the fact he is refusing.

In which case I'd be like "fine, stay home. Your choice" Grin

VampireWeekday · 04/03/2024 13:28

This is horrible. How could he do that to his own child? I have a 4 year old who loves and looks forward to holidays. I think it would shatter some fundamental part of his sense of identity and security in the family if we all went on holiday with other children and not him.

LittleLegsKeepGoing · 04/03/2024 13:28

I'd have to ask him why he's purposefully obtuse that he doesn't see that a holiday with children that excludes your own child just wouldn't be remotely enjoyable. There's no way I'd holiday with someone else's children and leave mine behind - ever! Childfree or my children included, no compromise on that one for me.

I wouldn't budge on this at all. Your position isn't unusual or difficult to understand. I also agree with other PP that your husband is banking problems for the future with the way he's treating the step-children, you and your shared child.

Woman2023 · 04/03/2024 13:28

Yanbu, but he most definitely is unreasonable. He sounds extremely selfish.

SecondUsername4me · 04/03/2024 13:29

How much solo parenting of the now 4yo has he ever done?

Venturini · 04/03/2024 13:38

Well doesn’t he sounds like father of the year. No you are not being unreasonable. What a prick.

candycane222 · 04/03/2024 13:40

A bit beside the point but I can't help wondering, if his idea of a fun holiday is impossible for a 4yo to join in, it must be really hard core - 5 days canoeing up a gorge , hiking the length of the pyrenees, or whatever... In which case, is he sure the older dc are going to be up for it??

I guess from your username he is not getting any younger. Is he anxious that he will soon be too old for all this outward bound stuff?

Anyway to the point of your question - I suppose he is not completely unreasonable to suggest the idea to you, we can call it thoughtless perhaps. He is however very unreasonable to carry on arguing once you have made your views clear.

Im still a bit concerned by your remark that you can't imagine him going away with his dcs but without you. Is he defective in some way? Presumably he spends time with them without you on occasion - and did so before you married? Didn't he?