To say to DH this isn't even a discussion and I wouldn't be going on this holiday?

[NellyNilly]

Curious to see what others think of this request from DH as I just think it's a bit bizarre and unreasonable of him to expect.

We share one 4 year old and he has two older children who are 11 and 13 with an ex.

DH has never really been much of a holiday person and so in the years we've been together (6) we have never gone on holiday with DSC.

That's absolutely been his choice, I have said many times over the years I'd be happy to but he's never fancied it and they have always gone with their mum. We've had the odd weekend away in UK but nothing more with them.

I have been away with family and friends since we've been together and also since our child was born I have taken them away with my parents a few times too.

DH is now suggesting that he'd like to take DSC away in the school hols, great I said! Except it turned out in his mind what he was suggesting was us just taking DSC and asking someone to look after our 4 year old. Apparently according to DH it won't be a relaxing holiday with a young child and he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones that we can't do with our child yet. Said in a few years it'll be fine with our youngest.

I have been on a few holidays now with youngest and always enjoy them so I don't really get or appreciate his reasoning.

I have basically said under no circumstances am I going on a summer holiday with DSC and leaving our child at home. I won't even discuss it to be honest as it would feel absolutely wrong to me. I would not want to go off on holiday with other children and leave my own behind, I simply wouldn't enjoy it knowing we'd done that.

To make it absolutely clear, when I have been away with our child in the past he has not come. He has never been on an abroad holiday with our DC and not DSC so I have no idea why he thinks it'd be fine the other way around but to me it isn't.

He thinks I'm unreasonable, I don't. So what do you think please?

’I think if he has specific things in mind, like long walks, then it is entirely reasonable to not want to do this with a small child’.

Perhaps he should have thought of that before he had children. They didn’t ask to be born, it’s his job to fit in with them. Not the other way round.

Errghhh I totally agreed with you until I read that you happily go on couples holidays without DC.
My just turned 4 year old would be equally gutted about us going on any holiday without them.
I think you can get away with a night away but a holiday?
If you are willing to go on a couples holiday without DC but not if DSC are coming it would come across that your issue is with your DSC.

If you are willing to go on a couples holiday without DC but not if DSC are coming it would come across that your issue is with your DSC.

A couples holiday is not a family holiday. She doesn't want to go on a family holiday without her DC. What with them being family n all.

The fact you think going away as an adult couple with no children for a few days is the same as going away on a family holiday with all the children except one is hilarious.

Kind of understand as a holiday with the older kids is more relaxing and you can do more stuff together, 4 year olds are hard work, but, it seems unfair to not take the little one, I would suggest he takes his older 2 on a holiday himself, or, if you all go, he can take the older ones on some days out / walks whilst you take the 4 year old, or vice versa? a compromise?

OP, are you sure that he doesn't want to holiday with his DC without you? Or is he picking up on the fact that whilst you wouldn't (or couldn't) physically stop him, you would be so peed off by it that it's not worth him even suggesting?

I think what people are struggling with is the fact that you haven’t made a counter proposal to him about going alone. We understand he didn’t say it the first time; why have you not suggested it?

Personally, I think your child lives with him and probably takes up a lot of the attention, because younger children do. I can completely understand why he would want to show the kids who don’t get to live with him that they are important too. I’m not sure a 4 year old would remember this event much or care. Especially if they got to do something exciting with grandparents.

I think the bigger issue is you being so concerned about who is your child and who isn’t. That you feel it’s fine for others to have this kind of a holiday, because they are all their children, but you are upset because you’d be taking ‘someone else’s’. I can see why he would want to assure his DC that they are important to you both, because they are clearly only important to him and not to you.

Well I think it’s obvious that OP’s DC would be more important to her than step children.
I find it amazing how many people ‘claim’ this is wrong.

At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what anyone else says/thinks.
You don’t want to go and that’s pretty final! DH needs to be a grown up and solve this by either going alone or taking his son too so that you’ll go. It’s pretty simple really.
as mumsnet likes to say ‘NO is a full sentence!’

Why do I need to be the one to suggest he goes alone with DSC. He's a fully grown adult.

I've just remembered myself as a young child of 5 or so who found out that my 18 year old sister was going on a day out with relatives.

I remember taking my dad aside and telling him how he needs to ask them to take me too 😆

Kids absolutely remember being excluded. I think it's unthinkable that OP should go with DH and DSC and leave her son behind.

I'd question that he's a fully grown adult. I would expect a fully grown adult father to take more interest in his children.

I find this whole comment incredible.
The assumptions, the puzzlement that parents tend to prioritise their own children, the conclusion that any of his guys children are particularly important to him... It's just great stuff 👏👏👏

He won't want to go away with just his kids because he needs the op there for the wife work of meeting any needs the kids has whilst he works out the fun stuff. Plus of course he needs her there for his holiday sex. Which will be why he doesn't want the small child there and also why he's refused to holiday with his older children till they are of an age where they could be in their own room.

I wonder has he realised people judge him for refusing to bring his children on holidays and he thinks bringing the elder two while their stepmother mostly minds them is the least worst option. I'd say there would be a lot of solo golfing/sightseeing while the others stay behind.

What a ridiculous idea ! ( I would have said that if he wanted to go away with his DSC , just him and them , then do that and you go somewhere with your DS as you have done before and because I thought at first you had been away just you 2 and the child you share together - even though that is a bit odd itself - but then I realised he has never been away with your child together either so that’s unfair )

Why would he expect you to go away with your DSC and not your own DS ?! Why split the children up like that ? It’s not normal , personally I think in blended families all the children come , none should be left out ! How is it going to look to whoever you would hypothetically ask to have your DS - “ can you look after my child so I can go on holiday with my stepchildren and completely exclude him “ ?!

I’ll be honest - it sounds lazy of him! He wants a relaxing holiday , if he’s never taken DSC on holiday and now all of a sudden wants to is that because they’re older now so he thinks it would be easier ?

YANBU - he is! I would suggest at the very minimum that you all go and say that maybe some times on the holiday for him to do the things he wants to do with his children whilst you do something with your son ( it’s nice to have seperate time ) BUT I would also say the whole holiday can’t be like that , you should all spend some time together as a family , he should spend time with the child you share too and it shouldn’t be that you’re left with all the responsibilities for your young son and he just gets to relax .

Failing that I would say screw you , you’re being unreasonable and actually very unkind so I’ll take our son away as I always do - without you !!

No way.

And how sad that your other half doesn't think a holiday with small children is a holiday :(

My kids are 19 and I am DREADING the day they don't want to come with us on a family holiday anymore. Some of our most precious memories have been holidaying with them, from our first hol when one was aged 3 months and one a 1 year old.

Best times of our lives - including sitting through shitty kids club evenings!

Yes. This. Frankly it’s sht that this man has never taken his older children on a proper holiday once in their lives (days out excluded) but he’s been happy to take himself. And now he wants to do the same with his youngest, but even worse exclude the youngest whilst he takes the others (as long as OP goes 🙄).

The man is a childish self-centred dickhead. The SC mum knows it and now the OP does too.

YANBU

He wants you to do all the holiday admin while he plays Disney Dad. He's taking the piss.

Another voice adding to the chorus of he want you there to do the childcare and guffy stuff, OP. You are absolutely not being unreasonable to not want to leave your recently-4 year old. And I hope your DH isn't bugging you to do so. Stand firm!

@NellyNilly

well as your thread has been replied to 6 months after it began, and the summer school holidays have been over for a couple of weeks - how did this situation get resolved ?

Are you welcoming to DSC, or is some resentment there? Reading through, it sounds like you can't bear to do anything without your 4yr old. That's totally fine, you don't want to spend one minute away from them, I get that, but you NEEDING your child is not the same as them needing care and attention. If your parents suggested having your child for a week, how would you feel? Not necessarily to take them on holiday, just look after them for a week? Would you feel too anxious - they can't live without me? Or nervous, but know they would actually cope? I feel what your partner is suggesting is selfish, God yes, but also, not unreasonable. Your 4yr old, shock horror, might not even miss you, and may have a great adventure with grandparents, without you hovering. Please don't transfer your negative feelings about this onto your child. It's only 1 week?

This thread is so old that OP is probably planning this year's holiday now!

I didn't pick up that OP was anxious about her child from her posts, more frustrated at her OH. If anyone has negative feelings about their child/children it's him. Who never goes on holiday with their children because they don't want to be around them when they are little? They are his children! It is a tad odd to go on holiday with "someone else's children" but leave your own at home. OP seems to be saying (or have said) that she doesn't want to go because it is odd, it's unfair but mainly she wouldn't enjoy it without them being there - which is probably true.

I wonder what happened in the end? I suspect nobody went

How has a man that doesn't like spending time with kids managed to have 3 of them?!

You've facilitated his dickishness by accepting his "poor me it's not fun for ME" attitude and taking your child away without him and having a separate holiday just with him. Time to lay down the law that you are that thing called a family.