To say to DH this isn't even a discussion and I wouldn't be going on this holiday?

[NellyNilly]

Curious to see what others think of this request from DH as I just think it's a bit bizarre and unreasonable of him to expect.

We share one 4 year old and he has two older children who are 11 and 13 with an ex.

DH has never really been much of a holiday person and so in the years we've been together (6) we have never gone on holiday with DSC.

That's absolutely been his choice, I have said many times over the years I'd be happy to but he's never fancied it and they have always gone with their mum. We've had the odd weekend away in UK but nothing more with them.

I have been away with family and friends since we've been together and also since our child was born I have taken them away with my parents a few times too.

DH is now suggesting that he'd like to take DSC away in the school hols, great I said! Except it turned out in his mind what he was suggesting was us just taking DSC and asking someone to look after our 4 year old. Apparently according to DH it won't be a relaxing holiday with a young child and he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones that we can't do with our child yet. Said in a few years it'll be fine with our youngest.

I have been on a few holidays now with youngest and always enjoy them so I don't really get or appreciate his reasoning.

I have basically said under no circumstances am I going on a summer holiday with DSC and leaving our child at home. I won't even discuss it to be honest as it would feel absolutely wrong to me. I would not want to go off on holiday with other children and leave my own behind, I simply wouldn't enjoy it knowing we'd done that.

To make it absolutely clear, when I have been away with our child in the past he has not come. He has never been on an abroad holiday with our DC and not DSC so I have no idea why he thinks it'd be fine the other way around but to me it isn't.

He thinks I'm unreasonable, I don't. So what do you think please?

Suggest you take the children to Florida. He can take the older ones walking and you can take the younger one to Disneyland. The older ones will, I'd expect, also want to visit Disneyland. once you get there.

For most people the opportunity to do childish things again is part of the attraction of having a child.

I mean I kind of get it. It’s a different kind of holiday with young kids. But I can see why you wouldn’t want to leave your child alone so just be honest.

He's never taken his older children on holiday? He's lucky they'll consider going with him now. This sounds like an overcorrection, and it's unreasonable.

I think in his head he just thinks a holiday with young kids is not a holiday so what's the point.

Holidays with children, what's the point? He's had three of them so you'd think he'd have that worked out by now. So as long as he's having fun, they it's ok?

By this reasoning his children would have never been on holiday, but he has had his children with women who don't mind doing the grunt work for him. Nice one.

No, you shouldn't leave your 4 year old behind to go on his guilt mission and help him. He can go on his own, but honestly, he sounds like a selfish prick OP and if you asked his ex, and his older kids in a few years, they'd tell you the same.

I'm not going to lie and say I'd be happy about it if he went with DSC but refused to consider going with ours no. But I can't and wouldn't stop him.

I appreciate what PPs are saying in that he hasn't taken them either until they were older but they have never been the left behind child whilst Dad goes on holiday with only some of his children. Plenty of posters on other threads think this is wrong when it's a dad going away with resident DC and not DSC. So I don't personally see a huge difference when it's this way round.

Remind him spending a week with a woman aching for a her baby will also not be fun. Also I think 4 is too young for both parents to be out of the country ( if this is a holiday abroad).
Hard no from me and I would not even entertain a discussion on it. What a moron for suggesting it!

Admittedly we did holiday just us two once last year but it was only for 4 days and DC stayed with my parents so it's not really about being out of the country without my child.

Moreso that I don't want to go on a family holiday without them. A couples holiday with no DC at all is one thing but it would feel wrong going with other children and not our child.

Why are people so hard of reading?

OP doesn’t need some set of magic words to explain the obvious to her dh. And she is not preventing him from taking the older SC away solo. She is quite rightly refusing to leave her child alone So she csn serve as maid/mother to the older children without distractions that interfere with Disney dad’s plans.

She doesn’t need any lectures about blended families and compromise. She already compromises enough as she solo parents her child on holidays because husband-of-the-year doesn’t enjoy travelling with wife and child.

So basically, he's never taken his older kids on holiday because he doesn't like travelling with younger children and actually having to do stuff with them. Meanwhile, now they're older, he's keen, but he still doesn't want to do any of the actual childcare effort alone so you must come with, but your younger DC can't come because then, again, he'd have to a) adapt for a younger child and b) wouldn't get your help with the older kids.

He's a prince.

it would feel wrong going with other children and not our child.

Of course it does.

I get that you don't agree with him. The trouble is that you don't agree and he doesn't even see why you don't agree. That's the bad bit. His guilt ought to extend to wanting to do the right thing by all his children from now on, and by you as well. To make all his children feel loved and wanted, whatever that needs. But it doesn't. His guilt neither explains nor excuses his selfishness and blindness.

I think in his head he just thinks a holiday with young kids is not a holiday
so what's the point.

I believe you.

Do you think your 4yr old is an appeasement baby?

By which I mean, there's a lot of middle age men who have a wife and a couple of kids and then realise that they're a shit dad and a shit husband and actually they prefer a life of less responsibility.

Sometimes an OW is thrown into the mix, but the result is divorce, and the middle age man "having fun" with a younger woman (before or after his first marriage ends).

To keep the younger woman, he promises her the world, a car, a home, engagement and sometimes he even goes through with a wedding. Then his wife gets broody and the selfish-man-child doesn't actually want another baby, but in the woo-ing phase, he told his young girlfriend he was "open to more children".

Cut to him having to decide to be either "Danny two divorces" or agreeing to another baby. He agrees to the third child, but doesn't actually want to be a parent or really enjoy being a father.

Is that your husband OP?

This sounds so sad - your 4 year old would absolutely know they had been left out. We have taken both our DC away from age 3. The holidays haven't always been easy, and they certainly haven't been what I would choose if it was just me and DH, but we have made amazing memories and had lots of fun.

He sounds like a nob. When you have kids you can't pick and choose based on which kids are more fun to be with!
Imagine the youngest growing up and seeing pictures and asking where he was and told well we didn't take you coz you weren't as much fun to spend time with WTF.

You can’t imagine him going away on his own with his children… Is that because if he went away on his own with his children, he’d have to do the hard work of looking after them on his own?

At the moment he’s got quite a nice set-up where you take your joint child on holiday and his ex takes their children on holiday, and he doesn’t have to do a child-friendly holiday with any of his children?

Speechless ! he really doesn't like children on holiday.

No one goes. full stop.

This is one of the many problems with blended families if the person who is in the middle of the venn diagram had three too many children for someone who doesn't like taking them on holiday.

Wha?? Ok, does he know anyone with a hobby that’s a bit specific? Like dressage or motorcycle maintenance and riding?

dh, two things. I get you want to take your older dc away and part of it’s feeling bad they have a separated family. I wouldn’t stand in your way. Their mum takes them away on their own. You’re their dad. I am not the robot nanny. You want special time with them you take them. I won’t be coming without our child jsut because you think parenting is hard.
also, you know Brian and his motorbike. Do you mansplain to him how to tune his carburetor or whatever? No? Of course not? I’ve taken our child on holduay. You refuse to take your older children on holiday without bringing me along as robot nanny. Who the fuck do you think knows more about holidaying with children here! Stop telling me what will be hard and what wont, because what’s really hard is me listening to you talk shit about holidays like youve ever taken your kids on holiday before. You’re too selfish. I will not be coming without our child because I love them and will not have them watch their mum and dad take other children on holduay without them. End of discussion or you are on the sofa until you’ve taken your dc on a holiday solo.

For me, the only thing that’s unreasonable is him expecting you to go on this holiday.

Totally okay not to want to holiday with a pre-schooler.

Totally okay not to mix a pre-schooler and tween + teen on holiday.

Totally okay to take his own kids away.

Totally okay to want to leave a 4yo behind on an active, walking holiday.

But why on earth does he need you to go with him and his dc? Does he expect you to do the packing, self-catering cooking and shopping, organising and deciding and booking and basically all the grunt work? To the point of leaving your own child behind?!

If you've been on a couples holiday before I can see how he may not think it a great stretch to invite the older kids along still leaving the little one behind with granny.

Why don’t you all go, and some days he takes the dsc off to do the older kids stuff while you take the little one to soft play or such?

What a selfish arsehole.
You don't take your young children on holiday because it's going to be fun for you in ball pits and toddler paddling pools, you do it for your child!

Is he like this in other ways? Not interested in anything that isn't for him?

Do you really think it’s totally reasonable for an adult to not take his kids on holidays because it’s just not fun enough for HIM? Thats pretty shit parenting isn’t it? I don’t cook boring pasta and peas because it’s fun for me. I don’t wash poo out of clothes because it’s so fun for me. I don’t rub disgusting suncream into sticky faces because I just love doing that. I take my kids on holiday partly because kids love holidays and I love my kids.

I can imagine what my Grandson would say, ( not to mention my DD) if his Dad said he was going on holiday with his two older children and not taking him. My Grandson loves spending time with his older brother and Sister.
Awful to even suggest it.

I think it would be good if he went alone with the older two. It would be nice for them to get some quality time with just their dad surely.

I don't think you should go, as you obviously don't want to. Tho I am not sure your youngest would feel that bad about it - does he enjoy time at his grandparents?

Ok, I’ll respond to this!! I have an almost 8 year gap between my 2.

Not in a million years would I agree to his plan. It is perfectly possible to have great holidays with, for example, a 10 year old and. 2 year old. You just need to be sensible. Many things can be done together eg swimming or walking (use hiking back pack for the little one). Both love boat trips.

We managed Disneyland Paris several times- had a great time. I did the play park bits , or pushing the buggy while DS2 had a snooze. DH would swap so I could go on a few rides with DS1. We took the buggy when DS2 was 4 so he could sleep in it at fireworks time and the 12 year old could enjoy them and we could stay later.

Fast forward a few years and I took an 8 year old to the natural history museum in an Italian city to see a great white shark while the 16 year old spent time in the gym on the cruise ship with his Dad. Not a problem at all.