To say to DH this isn't even a discussion and I wouldn't be going on this holiday?

[NellyNilly]

Curious to see what others think of this request from DH as I just think it's a bit bizarre and unreasonable of him to expect.

We share one 4 year old and he has two older children who are 11 and 13 with an ex.

DH has never really been much of a holiday person and so in the years we've been together (6) we have never gone on holiday with DSC.

That's absolutely been his choice, I have said many times over the years I'd be happy to but he's never fancied it and they have always gone with their mum. We've had the odd weekend away in UK but nothing more with them.

I have been away with family and friends since we've been together and also since our child was born I have taken them away with my parents a few times too.

DH is now suggesting that he'd like to take DSC away in the school hols, great I said! Except it turned out in his mind what he was suggesting was us just taking DSC and asking someone to look after our 4 year old. Apparently according to DH it won't be a relaxing holiday with a young child and he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones that we can't do with our child yet. Said in a few years it'll be fine with our youngest.

I have been on a few holidays now with youngest and always enjoy them so I don't really get or appreciate his reasoning.

I have basically said under no circumstances am I going on a summer holiday with DSC and leaving our child at home. I won't even discuss it to be honest as it would feel absolutely wrong to me. I would not want to go off on holiday with other children and leave my own behind, I simply wouldn't enjoy it knowing we'd done that.

To make it absolutely clear, when I have been away with our child in the past he has not come. He has never been on an abroad holiday with our DC and not DSC so I have no idea why he thinks it'd be fine the other way around but to me it isn't.

He thinks I'm unreasonable, I don't. So what do you think please?

There are grandparents who are around who could and would look after our child but it's not really the point. I would hate to go without him but with DSC.

YNBU. I mean a 4 yr old is much easier to look after on holiday than a toddler and I think there are plenty of activities you could all do together.

I mean if he has some fixed ideas about going walking with older DCs then that could still be accommodated, if you had an afternoon with your lo while they did that.

Wouldn't this be a perfect opportunity for dc to spend quality time with half siblings? Your DC seems to be trying to dodge spending time with small DC. Yes, it may not be relaxing, but she is an important part of the family and will grow up soon enough.

He sounds a bit of a prat but if you know he generally treats all the children equally I would just tell him to take his kids away without you and the 4yo.

If you stop him going because he doesn’t want to take the 4yo then you’re effectively punishing his dc for his twatty behaviour. Just let them go.

Alternatively, tell him to find a destination where he can go walking with his two kids and you and 4yo can stay at the hotel or do other activities.

Is this the first time he's been so gormless and entitled?
I too do not enjoy being around kids, and as such, I am childfree.

It's not that i wouldn't let him go with them alone, I can't stop him of course. I won't lie and say I'd be happy about it because I wouldn't but he can do it if he wants to.

But he fully wants me to go too. Which is the most bizarre thing, as if I'd want to do that?!

He's good with all the DC generally. I think in his head he just thinks a holiday with young kids is not a holiday so what's the point. And I suppose it's easier to say that too when both me and DSCs mum take the DC away anyway so none of the DC are actually missing out on a holiday.

And he is fully expecting me to go if they did too. I can't imagine him going alone with them.

So he won't take his youngest child because then the holiday wouldn't be 'fun' for HIM.

He wants you to go so that you can pick up the slack of the DSC when THEY stop being fun for him.

What a knob.

Maybe he doesn’t want you to feel excluded? Maybe he wants to leave his kids with you at the hotel as default childcare whilst he goes off? Is he a Disney dad? Does he want to look good to his ex?

Talk to him, ask him why he thinks you’d enjoy a holiday without your dc.

If he is able to coherently and reasonably explain why he doesn’t want 4yo to come, then tell him he’s welcome to take his two but you definitely won’t be going. Actually you might even encourage him to go, for the sake of the two DSC who have never been away with their dad.

I find it really strange that your dh has never been on holiday with his own children.

Sounds like he wants you there just to be mum when all the fun bits that he likes doing are over and doesn't want the responsibility of his own children especially the youngest one.

I wouldn't agree to this either.

Yep he sounds selfish. I’d ask him why he thinks a good dad would prioritise his own fun on holiday over that of his child? That his ability to enjoy a holiday should be the deciding factor, not his child’s?

why does he think it’s ok that the woman in his life do the work in ensuring his various children have happy childhood memories? None of which include him.

I think I’d be very strong on this, if he is prepared to prioritise his own happiness over that of his children, then he isn’t someone I could live with.

We’ve got a step age gap. Over the years we’ve all gone away together and done different things. The older children have done PGL by themselves and also gone away with their friends’ families. When they went away with friends we took the younger ones by themselves. It’s been a mixture but it’s perfectly doable to have a whole family through compromise - in your case not a full on walking holiday from place to place daily for example but somewhere with good walks to do and a base for you and your 4 year old while they are off out. That’s not tricky.

YANBU

Who exactly does he propose looks after your 4 year old while you’re all away on holiday? He’s clearly far too used to being a part time dad to the other two and believes this option is available with your joint child as well, to just opt out of the boring/difficult bits when it suits him and expect someone else to pick up the slack.

My children would be very upset to be left out of a family holiday. Whilst it is harder work travelling with children, going on holiday with 2 adults and 1 child is not that restricting! It sounds like he doesn't feel the 4yo is worthy of his time. You could have a lovely holiday for the 5 of you where your DH and the DSCs went off for hikes some days and you pottered with DS and met up later for a swim/meal/whatever. Do the DSC even want to do his holiday plan anyway?

That's what I assumed, he wants OP to go so she can parent his kids for him. I highly doubt such a self indulgent man is a high quality parent who never palms his kids off to women and does the majority of chores, planning and drudgery.
Happy to be proved wrong though

There's a few points at play here.

1. He doesn't want to take his younger kids on holiday. Weird, but his perogative.
2. He is happy to take older, more self sufficient kids on holiday. Weird, but his perogative.
3. He insists that you holiday without your child - not even the slightest bit acceptable and would get a resounding no from me.
4. He seems to be under the illusion that his holiday preferences override your holiday preferences completely.
5. He clearly only wants you to come along with his teens and without your joint child so that you are there for holiday admin and sex. Vile.

i don’t think there is anything wrong with doing separate holidays. When my kids were 6, 4 and 2, me and dh took the oldest 2 skiing for an week and left youngest DD with her grandma. Skiing isn’t really something suitable for a 2 year old. I just recently took ds away with me for a weekend just on his own. At the end of this year older ds and I are travelling overseas for a holiday with the sport we both do.

He wants you there to babysit his two older children . He doesn't want your 4 year old there because you will be with him and he will have to parent his other children
Is he a good husband/parent apart from holidays?

It's fun seeing little kids enjoy themselves on holiday. Fair enough, it's not as relaxing but that's life as a parent. I agree with other posters, he wants you there to do the childcare. He has a very strange attitude. YANBU.

It’s not unfair for him to go on holiday with his older children and not the youngest. He already lives with the youngest and not the others so fairness went out the window a long time ago. This is just what happens in blended families, not all children can always be treated the same. It’s impossible.

This is so illogical that I’m wondering if there’s something else going on here. You say he’s ‘not a holiday person’ - could he be secretly anxious about travelling? Being away from home? Flying?

He's not supposed to be going on holiday with his children just so that he can relax and enjoy himself FFS. He's supposed to be parenting and making sure all his family have a nice holiday together.

I'll bet his first wife was delighted to see the back of him.

The unfairness is that he demands OP leave her 4yo at home and come with and also that he refuses to holiday with his other child until they are older.

I'll probably be flamed for this I'm sure but those are your children I assume? I'm aware it's lovely for your own DC to have 1 on 1 time with you and I imagine overall it probably evens out anyway.

Would you go on holiday with someone else's children and leave yours behind?

To be completely honest I don't want to go on holiday with DSC and not my child. I don't want to spend a holiday with them but not with my child. It would not be enjoyable for me and I'd spend the entire time feeling guilty and wishing my child was there.

Yes that's how it sounds to me. You're there to look after DSC and so he can go off and do his own thing. YANBU at all OP and he's really missing out. Yes it's a different kind of holiday but equally as special and creates memories for your DC. Hopefully you and your DC will grow up with lots of inside 'you had to be there moments'. I'd really milk them to feel like utter shit. But also very sad that your DC won't grow up with memories of Dad on holiday. I know every relationship is different but where's the fun in a husband that doesn't want to holiday with his family?

You can still all go on holiday together and he can take elder two on hikes, whilst you entertain the little’un. You’ll all be together in evenings, and other day trips etc.

Unless he wants you to parent the dsc…