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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say to DH this isn't even a discussion and I wouldn't be going on this holiday?

502 replies

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 11:48

Curious to see what others think of this request from DH as I just think it's a bit bizarre and unreasonable of him to expect.

We share one 4 year old and he has two older children who are 11 and 13 with an ex.

DH has never really been much of a holiday person and so in the years we've been together (6) we have never gone on holiday with DSC.

That's absolutely been his choice, I have said many times over the years I'd be happy to but he's never fancied it and they have always gone with their mum. We've had the odd weekend away in UK but nothing more with them.

I have been away with family and friends since we've been together and also since our child was born I have taken them away with my parents a few times too.

DH is now suggesting that he'd like to take DSC away in the school hols, great I said! Except it turned out in his mind what he was suggesting was us just taking DSC and asking someone to look after our 4 year old. Apparently according to DH it won't be a relaxing holiday with a young child and he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones that we can't do with our child yet. Said in a few years it'll be fine with our youngest.

I have been on a few holidays now with youngest and always enjoy them so I don't really get or appreciate his reasoning.

I have basically said under no circumstances am I going on a summer holiday with DSC and leaving our child at home. I won't even discuss it to be honest as it would feel absolutely wrong to me. I would not want to go off on holiday with other children and leave my own behind, I simply wouldn't enjoy it knowing we'd done that.

To make it absolutely clear, when I have been away with our child in the past he has not come. He has never been on an abroad holiday with our DC and not DSC so I have no idea why he thinks it'd be fine the other way around but to me it isn't.

He thinks I'm unreasonable, I don't. So what do you think please?

OP posts:
StolenCookie · 04/03/2024 13:43

You’re absolutely right and he’s exceedingly self-centred with this request.

SomethingDifferentt · 04/03/2024 13:43

Age gaps can be difficult - we have dc 16. 13 and 6. Clearly there are some activities the elder dc want to do that youngest doesn't (or can't).

We sometimes do activities with the elder two and my sister minds ds3. But this is always 'made up' for by a separate special activity with us for ds3.

Holidays though are a different matter - we go as a family and do activities suitable for us all. OR, when there, dh will do, I don't know, water-skiing with eldest two - and I'll do something age appropriate with dc3. Then we all meet back up.

I can't imagine any scenario where we'd go on holiday and leave dc3 home. It would be an awful thing to do.

Sorenson · 04/03/2024 13:44

Go on his own with them?

moderndilemma · 04/03/2024 13:44

So your dh has never been away on holiday with his 2 dc? Maybe you have incredible dsc, but he might be surprised by their lack of desire to go walking and exploring with him, rather than staying in bed late or gaming, or mooching around...

I found that 6 - 10 was the perfect age for taking children on holiday where they would be excited about exploring and could be persuaded to walk.

ChatBFP · 04/03/2024 13:46

Does your DH lack empathy generally?

It strikes me that the fact that he wants you to go on a holiday with DSC is either 1) to facilitate him and so he still gets company/sex or 2) because he hasn't really understood that when he and his first wife divorced he lost a family "unit" - by which I mean, he is his children's parent, his children's other parent is elsewhere and he doesn't get to just bring in someone else to do that with him when it suits him, because they are not your children and you have your own child too. Yes, this might make him feel guilty, but he needs to grow a pair and parent his kids.

You're not wrong - he can go on his own, but he cannot insist on you not taking your own child. There are lots of activity type holidays that you could all do together - yes, you'd have to split off into different groups from time to time, could even go somewhere with a kids club so that you could have a couple of mornings doing something "older", but to assume you have to leave a four year old behind is just mean.

Starspangledrodeopony · 04/03/2024 13:47

What the fuck is wrong with him?

Tempnamechng · 04/03/2024 13:49

Soo, he probably wants you to go without your 4yo so that your undivided attention is on doing the mum stuff for him and your stepchildren on their adventure holiday? Stuff that.

Jl2014 · 04/03/2024 13:51

Your DH sounds quite immature and selfish actually. It’s appalling to leave your 4 year old at home because you don’t think he will be enough fun.

We have had lovely family holidays with that age group. You just need to pick something suitable. Isn’t the whole point of family life that you adapt these sorts of things as your children grow?

I think you are right, OP. I wouldn’t be ditching my child either. Your husband should be ashamed of himself.

BusyMummy001 · 04/03/2024 13:54

Floatinginvacherin · 04/03/2024 11:57

So he only wants to go on holidays he enjoys, regardless of his kids?

I must have missed that memo for the last 15 years when I’ve spent my time going on child-centred holidays, like most parents do.

So this. I’m now going to wait for the inevitable (and in this case justifiable) posts about DHs not stepping up with young DCs and what this says about other aspects of OP’s marriage.

My DH is not a kids person. He has no interest in other people’s kids before they’re old enough to hold a ball (any ball, but rugby and cricket ones are best). I think although he loves our kids, he had no real desire to have any himself but knew I’d be heartbroken if I’d not had any. He’s found family holidays a tough trek but does them because he knows I need a break, miss travel and we can fill them up with milkshakes and crap in the evening whilst having an adult cocktail.

He understood at the point we decided to have children that you make sacrifices and knows now that the one or two brilliant days on holiday make up for the bad ones (the sickness, the vomiting 30mins into a flight, the pool/sea induced ear infections that mean one parent is stuck in the hotel room watching spongebob for three days). He has NEVER suggested we leave our kids, especially that young, for 2 weeks. That said, youngest is turning 16, heading off to boarding school (his choice, not mine) and DH cannot wait to book some adult only breaks…

DH should take his older kids away and you take your 4yo somewhere lovely in stead. Stuff him.

Iloveshoes123 · 04/03/2024 13:58

Your husband sounds like an absolute dickhead. He doesn't want to go on holidays with small children as he think it won't be fun, based on no experience of actually doing it! Does he enjoy spending time with your child at all? If so why would he not enjoy a holiday with the child. This is incredibly sad for your child and your DH very selfish. I'm not really sure why you married and had a child with him if you could see he was already acting that way with his older kids.
And btw I suggest you remind him having kids isn't supposed to be fun all the time and parents are supposed to make sacrifices for their kids i.e. going on a holiday that you might not otherwise enjoy!
Oh and of course YANBU.

Iloveshoes123 · 04/03/2024 13:59

Also, what does he do with all his annual leave - does he go on holiday by himself????

Ohnoooooooo · 04/03/2024 14:00

I am a big one for mixing holidays - sometimes my son goes with his dad to overseas football matches....sometimes I take our daughter for a few days in the sun.
But leaving one child out because of a bit of hiking? I can't really see the rationale. Unless he is planning on you hiking and camping for the entire time.
Tell him to go by himself with the older ones.
I'm guessing part of this is he is not keen to share a room with a 4 year old as it would put a damper on adult time?

3luckystars · 04/03/2024 14:03

No mother would do this.

He has completely lost his mind. There is no other explanation.

Ladyj84 · 04/03/2024 14:04

All I'm Gona say out kids range from 2-13 and they all come on holidays. Yes when we are away the older will do a hiking day with dad and I stay with little ones but the rest all family stuff put together for all ages

Tengreenbottles2 · 04/03/2024 14:06

How cruel to the 4yo. That's the sort of thing that they will remember.

And most 4 year-olds would not cope well with being left without their parents that length of time. It's just so bizarre. The 4yo is part of the family. You can't just ditch your own kids just because they're not fun!! wtaf!

Perhaps him going with just his kids would be fine, but if you go, the 4yo goes.

Dweetfidilove · 04/03/2024 14:08

Dexterrolledoffthesofa · 04/03/2024 12:08

And he is fully expecting me to go if they did too. I can't imagine him going alone with them.

So he won't take his youngest child because then the holiday wouldn't be 'fun' for HIM.

He wants you to go so that you can pick up the slack of the DSC when THEY stop being fun for him.

What a knob.

I believe this is the crux of the matter ☹️.

3luckystars · 04/03/2024 14:09

Neodymium · 04/03/2024 12:15

i don’t think there is anything wrong with doing separate holidays. When my kids were 6, 4 and 2, me and dh took the oldest 2 skiing for an week and left youngest DD with her grandma. Skiing isn’t really something suitable for a 2 year old. I just recently took ds away with me for a weekend just on his own. At the end of this year older ds and I are travelling overseas for a holiday with the sport we both do.

Nothing wrong with seperate holidays if they are all YOUR children.
He wants her to go on holidays with HIS children, leaving HER child at home. It’s insane.

NorthernSturdyGirl · 04/03/2024 14:16

Sorry to say that it doesn't seem to me that your partner takes the responsibilities of parenthood well.
They are not accessories to be put in a cupboard until you can justify you getting some fun from the experience too.

I also suspect he wants you to go with the DSC to look after them when he has had the benefit of the fun activities and is tired!

Off course your child should go too. Or play him at his own game, tell him he can go with DSC by himself, if he pre books and pays for a family holiday for you three later. Although one holiday, giving his children time to bond is the best way to go and should be the path going forward.

He can't selectively take kids on holiday, its all or nothing.

He needs to grow up.

Mummyofbananas · 04/03/2024 14:23

Do the children get on? surely they'd like a holiday with their younger sibling too- seems a bit crazy when there's plenty of holiday options that would suit everyone.

KreedKafer · 04/03/2024 14:23

He sounds incredibly selfish all round.

LittleGreenDragons · 04/03/2024 14:25

Are you trying to say this man, who has three children, has never had a holiday with any of them despite being able to afford it?

That is not a family man. That is a selfish, lazy, self centred man. And yes, I agree with pp. He wants you to go so you can look after the sdc when he's had enough. Open your eyes OP, i bet he's taking you for a mug in other areas of your life too.

lookwhatyoudidthere · 04/03/2024 14:26

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 11:51

In his mind its less about fairness and more about it being not a "fun" holiday for him with a younger child and there's plenty of time to holiday with our youngest when they are a bit older like DSC.

Show quote history

What about that statement doesn't scream 'selfish bastard'? I wouldn't go. Let him enjoy his walking holiday with the other two. In the meantime plan something lovely to do with your tiny one. Sending you strength ❤️🤣

Notinthemood12 · 04/03/2024 14:27

You’re right to refuse this. Nobody would leave their child at home and go enjoy a holiday with other children. I’d feel like I was betraying my child

Sweetheart7 · 04/03/2024 14:28

Oohhyeah · 04/03/2024 11:54

He needs to take his kids alone, and leave you home with your shared child if he wants to do things not suitable for a small child.

This. Once he sees how expensive the school hols are I bet he changes his mind. Cheek of the man!

lookwhatyoudidthere · 04/03/2024 14:29

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 12:06

It's not that i wouldn't let him go with them alone, I can't stop him of course. I won't lie and say I'd be happy about it because I wouldn't but he can do it if he wants to.

But he fully wants me to go too. Which is the most bizarre thing, as if I'd want to do that?!

As he's been so frank as to share with you that he does not wish to holiday with your (and his child), you are well within your rights to say you don't want to holiday with his. In fairness, tell him, they aren't really holidays when are kids are around - so crack on without me.