To ask for a seat for my 3 years old at the wedding?

[YesterdayandBoris]

My husband and I are travelling long distance for his brothers wedding - 16+ hour flight. We will have two children (currently waiting the arrival of our second) they will be 2 months and 3 years at the time of the wedding.

My BIL keeps suggesting the wedding is ‘no children’, which we understand we also didn’t have children at our wedding but we’re travelling half way across the world!

We have just RSVP’d and our son doesn’t have a space at the meal. I quote “they thought all the children would go upstairs to the bridal suite” - my son is 3 in a foreign country there is no way I’m sending him upstairs with some random family friend of the brides I don’t know.

AIBU to say no he needs to be at the meal?

• *It’s a very late wedding getting married at 6pm, and so the meal starts at 7pm so I’m going to have to leave at some point with the children anyway to take them to bed.

FWIW my husband agrees but is trying to be diplomatic because we also didn’t want children at our wedding so can see their point. But at our wedding we didn’t have any nieces or nephews at the time so it was just friends children that were not invited. Which I think is completely different, plus those people had childcare options we are in a different country.

Why have you RSVP’d to accept if this is the case? It seems clear that you can’t attend with your children as they are not invited.

I think you need to find out what they’re expecting before you book flights. If your children aren’t invited and you’re not happy with the expectations the couple have then just send your DH to the wedding himself.

Why doesn't your DH go alone?
Your BIL is being quite clear on no children after all.

YABU - it's a no children wedding.

They’re as entitled to a child free wedding as you were - you can’t shoehorn in your children against their wishes

Honestly, I don’t think you can have a child free wedding and then complain when somebody else has one. Just don’t go!

YABU. It's their wedding.
It's up to you to entertain your child if you insist on bringing him to a wedding he isn't invited to.
You will have to go to the bridal suite with him. I wouldn't trust anyone else with him either so I get you there.

We had plenty of children at our wedding and had 3 babysitters. All kids went to play during the meals, there was no issue at all. A 3yo can spend a bit of time away from you as long as they have planned some activities planned for them.

No chance they would have a seat at the table. Although they were free to come and go as they please, some where seating on their parents laps at time and running around at the back which was fine.

BIL is not "suggesting no kids", he has been clear your kids are not invited. I don't know why you think that means they should come to the meal. Best thing would be for your DH to go alone if you don't want to use babysitters.

My BIL keeps suggesting the wedding is ‘no children’, which we understand we also didn’t have children at our wedding but we’re travelling half way across the world

Is he suggesting or has he told you that kids are not allowed? YWBVU to ask for a seat for your child if he said your child isn’t welcome, and YWBVVVU to complain now that the shoe is on the other foot.

Sorry I’ve not made it clear, this is part of a much bigger holiday we’re going for two weeks. My son is expected to be the ring bearer and has a suit for the ‘day’ aspect of the wedding but then is expected to disappear?

This.

I can't believe you think he should be allowed to attend the meal when BIL has been clear that it's a child free wedding.

Totally fair enough that you won’t be sending your 3YO off with a random sitter in a foreign country. However, your brother has made it very clear that he isn’t welcome at the meal so no, you can’t insist on anything and for that YABU. Your brother knows it’ll be difficult for you and clearly prioritises having a child free wedding rather than family. It’s crappy of him but his wedding his choice. DH could skip the wedding to look after the 3YO but if it were me, hell would freeze over before I flew ultra long haul with a newborn baby and toddler for a wedding that any part of the family wasn’t invited to. Also, if your future 2MO arrives 2 weeks late, it’s not a given you’ll have a passport back in time is it? It’ll be down to the wire! Personally I would stay at home, save the money and avoid the hassle.

YABU. Send your DH by himself. The juds aren't invited anf that's that.

The wedding is no children, he’s not invited. You had your Childfree wedding now they are having theirs l. Don’t go if you can’t accept that.

Then explain its not possible and pull out now

Either don’t go or use the childcare. You can’t force your child into someone else’s wedding, and you are being a huge hypocrite.

WTF?! Hell no. My child would not be used a cute photo prop to be shoved away when it’s no longer convenient.

Despite said child being used as a ring bearer? They can’t have it both ways

It's a childfree wedding.
Go on the holiday as a family.
On the day of the wedding, dh goes alone

I think dragging a two month and a three year old on 16 hour flights will be hell ( apart from the wedding where they aren’t welcome ) and I just wouldn’t go.

I cross posted with the OP. But no I still don't think he should attend. BIL has been clear it's a child free wedding. Although I do wonder why the OP left the information about being a ring bearer out of the first post.

To be fair that was a convenient drip feed provided at the same time.

So your DS is part of the wedding party during the day as ring bearer, and it's just the night (meal) hes not invited to.

Just go to the bits its agreed he goes to and you bow out with the kids where hes not invited. Then enjoy the rest of the holiday.

Thr OP doesn't have tk agree to that