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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a seat for my 3 years old at the wedding?

319 replies

YesterdayandBoris · 04/03/2024 07:05

My husband and I are travelling long distance for his brothers wedding - 16+ hour flight. We will have two children (currently waiting the arrival of our second) they will be 2 months and 3 years at the time of the wedding.

My BIL keeps suggesting the wedding is ‘no children’, which we understand we also didn’t have children at our wedding but we’re travelling half way across the world!

We have just RSVP’d and our son doesn’t have a space at the meal. I quote “they thought all the children would go upstairs to the bridal suite” - my son is 3 in a foreign country there is no way I’m sending him upstairs with some random family friend of the brides I don’t know.

AIBU to say no he needs to be at the meal?

  • *It’s a very late wedding getting married at 6pm, and so the meal starts at 7pm so I’m going to have to leave at some point with the children anyway to take them to bed.

FWIW my husband agrees but is trying to be diplomatic because we also didn’t want children at our wedding so can see their point. But at our wedding we didn’t have any nieces or nephews at the time so it was just friends children that were not invited. Which I think is completely different, plus those people had childcare options we are in a different country.

OP posts:
hurricanehat · 04/03/2024 18:46

@birdglasspen2 childless weddings are ridiculous? What an absurd generalisation. People's circumstances vary. If I'd had children at mine there would have been about 70, just of family and friends that it was impossible to distinguish between. That would have added thousands to the costs.

ladykale · 04/03/2024 18:53

You should go upstairs to the kids room and stay with your son while your DH says downstairs for the sit down part...

Outthedoor24 · 04/03/2024 19:36

inkblackheart · 04/03/2024 17:11

I'd be very concerned about the passport situation plus the whole thing sounds like a recipe for disaster anyway. Surely you're not going to want to do 16+ hours of travel when you've only given birth a few weeks before. What if you're overdue? It sounds horrendous.

Plus surely the 3 year old goes to bed at about 7.30pm anyway?

My Aunt managed a 9 hour flight alone with a 3month old and 2 year old. Back in the 1980s.
Op will have her husband with her. It's certainly do able.

The time of the wedding, there is bound to be jet lag going on so its easy enough to have late bedtimes and get up late.

Yes Op had a child free wedding but they didn't have any neices or nephews and I do think that makes a difference.

MumblesParty · 04/03/2024 21:04

After a long journey and with 2 young kids, I’d be jumping at the chance to leave the wedding at 7pm with the kids!

confusedbythesystem · 04/03/2024 21:04

You can just go up to the children's room with him. Ask for your food to be served room service or take a buffet plate. Male it clear though that you're just there for your son and not baby-sitting half a dozen other random children that you don't know.

EmeraldRoses · 04/03/2024 21:08

I think the brother in law is being very cheeky. So he expects you to travel half way around the world with 2 very young children buy you're not allowed to take the kids? Where does he expect you to leave the kids ? In the hotel? I just wouldn't go, it will be really stressful anyway with kids that young.

Concannon88 · 04/03/2024 21:58

EmeraldRoses · 04/03/2024 21:08

I think the brother in law is being very cheeky. So he expects you to travel half way around the world with 2 very young children buy you're not allowed to take the kids? Where does he expect you to leave the kids ? In the hotel? I just wouldn't go, it will be really stressful anyway with kids that young.

Yep and of course it will have to be her and not the husband

Hydenseek78 · 05/03/2024 17:55

InTheRainOnATrain · 04/03/2024 07:14

WTF?! Hell no. My child would not be used a cute photo prop to be shoved away when it’s no longer convenient.

Show quote history

My thoughts exactly, tbh I wouldn't even go to the wedding at this point, I would say that newborn and 3yr old will need to be fed and don't want them to make a fuss during the ceremony.

Greenpolkadot · 05/03/2024 18:05

TinyYellow · 04/03/2024 07:14

Either don’t go or use the childcare. You can’t force your child into someone else’s wedding, and you are being a huge hypocrite.

Exactly.this.
Why was it ok for you to have a child free wedding but not your bil.

Poppingmad123 · 05/03/2024 18:06

Surely it would just be easier if your meal could be brought up to the bridal suite where you can eat and keep an eye on the kids and feed them at the same time. I know that may not sound fun for you and that you end up missing that part of the wedding but it’s one way to keep everyone happy and the drama to a minimum. The B&G should be able to arrange catering for you in these circumstances.

OldPerson · 05/03/2024 18:10

So the only 2 children at a wedding will be a 2month old and a 3 year old??? Sounds like a nightmare for a child-free wedding. Just go to the wedding vows part (the really important part) and skip the reception. It's too late for both your kids anyway. They should be in bed by 6pm.

OhcantthInkofaname · 05/03/2024 18:31

Don't you think your son would be happier in a separate room with other children?

MeandT · 05/03/2024 18:31

YAB totally U.

If you don't trust the bride to find someone safe & suitable to look after a small group of children for 3 hours, I don't think you've got much of a relationship to look forward to with her.

So you might as well vote with your feet & not go.

But at least extend them the same courtesy of a child free meal, speeches & celebration that you were able to enjoy yourself. She's laying on an option. Take it!

Chickitychick · 05/03/2024 18:37

Now you know how your friends felt when you excluded their children from your wedding. I’m in a situation similar. They all had no children weddings but now THEY have kids they want THEIR kids at every wedding they attend. Abroad or not it’s the same.

Buffs · 05/03/2024 18:45

Don’t go or use their childcare. No way should a 3year old have a seat at a 7pm dinner at a child free wedding.

venus7 · 05/03/2024 18:56

YesterdayandBoris · 04/03/2024 07:05

My husband and I are travelling long distance for his brothers wedding - 16+ hour flight. We will have two children (currently waiting the arrival of our second) they will be 2 months and 3 years at the time of the wedding.

My BIL keeps suggesting the wedding is ‘no children’, which we understand we also didn’t have children at our wedding but we’re travelling half way across the world!

We have just RSVP’d and our son doesn’t have a space at the meal. I quote “they thought all the children would go upstairs to the bridal suite” - my son is 3 in a foreign country there is no way I’m sending him upstairs with some random family friend of the brides I don’t know.

AIBU to say no he needs to be at the meal?

  • *It’s a very late wedding getting married at 6pm, and so the meal starts at 7pm so I’m going to have to leave at some point with the children anyway to take them to bed.

FWIW my husband agrees but is trying to be diplomatic because we also didn’t want children at our wedding so can see their point. But at our wedding we didn’t have any nieces or nephews at the time so it was just friends children that were not invited. Which I think is completely different, plus those people had childcare options we are in a different country.

Groom isn't 'suggesting' no children; it's a request, and a reasonable one. You requested exactly the same thing.

DisabledDemon · 05/03/2024 18:59

YesterdayandBoris · 04/03/2024 07:12

Sorry I’ve not made it clear, this is part of a much bigger holiday we’re going for two weeks. My son is expected to be the ring bearer and has a suit for the ‘day’ aspect of the wedding but then is expected to disappear?

Regardless of the wedding, why would you want to go on such a major holiday with two very young children? The flight is long and will probably be distressing for them (and everyone around you) - couldn't you postpone this particular holiday until they're old enough to really enjoy it?

As for the wedding, well, they've made it plain - no children - although it's rather cheeky to expect your DS to be a ring bearer and then expect him to disappear.

pineapplesundae · 05/03/2024 20:27

Don’t make their wedding about you and don’t cause an upset. Check out the childcare being offered. I’m sure it’s fine. Otherwise, send your husband alone and they get a new ring bearer.

StressedOutButProudMama · 05/03/2024 21:05

I'm sorry but it's not your decision to make they don't want kids there and if you don't want to leave your child with someone then don't go simple as. You can't expect people regardless of where he wedding is to pa Der to your needs. If anything they've done that anyway by allowing your child to go to the bridal suite with other family members. Whether he knows them or not, they've made a pretty good adjustment that they didn't have too. Suck it up, accept it or don't go.

T1Dmama · 05/03/2024 21:17

YesterdayandBoris · 04/03/2024 07:12

Sorry I’ve not made it clear, this is part of a much bigger holiday we’re going for two weeks. My son is expected to be the ring bearer and has a suit for the ‘day’ aspect of the wedding but then is expected to disappear?

So you attend the ceremony and when the kids have to ‘disappear’ you simply go with them…. Then you and DH take it
in turns to sit with the children in your
room while the other mingles.

TunnocksOrDeath · 05/03/2024 21:58

Why is not-inviting friends' children "completely different" from not-inviting family children? The childcare needs are not dependent on how closely related the parents are to the bride and groom. Actually probably worse if you're 'just' friends as there won't be any extended family around to tag-team the care. So
I don't think you can complain about a no-kids wedding if you had one yourself.
Does the hotel have a nanny service?

Gg93 · 05/03/2024 22:44

Unfortunately unless the bride and groom have kids they dont understand. I was the same during our wedding - no kids. I do think when people have kids they change their minds on babies been present. I think nieces/ nephews should defo be invited and were in our case. Hubby insisted.

To be honest it is very cheeky asking your son to be part of the cermony and not the meal. I can see where they are coming from as I too would of been 'that' person. But now been older and seeing that kids are part of the family. It would mean a lot to them and having travelled half way across the world. Yes I would insist on a seat or make my husband insist.

The other side of the coin is that the meal could be very boring for your son and stressful for you and baby so prehaps you are best off skipping the meal and staying with your son in the hotel and just say you can't leave him with strangers. Bear in mind that if your husband is at the top table with the family who exactly is around to help you.

Outthedoor24 · 05/03/2024 23:12

TunnocksOrDeath · 05/03/2024 21:58

Why is not-inviting friends' children "completely different" from not-inviting family children? The childcare needs are not dependent on how closely related the parents are to the bride and groom. Actually probably worse if you're 'just' friends as there won't be any extended family around to tag-team the care. So
I don't think you can complain about a no-kids wedding if you had one yourself.
Does the hotel have a nanny service?

Not talking about people going to destination weddings, thinking localish weddings.
Bit generally I'd assume that friends have a regular babysitter that they use, Granny, Auntie, friend.

Family ie B&G siblings kids, their is a fair chance the regular babysitters are unable to do it as they are already invited to the wedding.

Covermeinsunshine · 06/03/2024 07:16

You Are Not Being Unreasonable!

I don’t think that because your son is a ring bearer he should automatically come to all parts of the wedding. They’ve given him that job as a gesture to the grooms brother, not because they desperately need a ring bearer. It’s part of wedding planning to try and make certain members of the family (siblings included) feel more personally part of the wedding.

The meal is late, your children are very young. If it were me, I’d probably be looking at either your husband going alone, but just for the meal for a couple of hours , then straight back up to the hotel room with you and the kids. Or both not attending the meal. I think flying half way around the world, and then expecting you to sit in a hotel room on your own with two young children is not something I’d do.

Would your husband do that if it was your brother getting married half way around the world? Would he sit in a hotel room with a 3yr old and a six month old so you could party with your family?

Things have changed since you got married, and it doesn’t mean you should endure things so that others family members can have the same as you (eg a child free wedding). You and your husband and his brother need to be realistic about how your life has changed. Your children being this young and inconvenient is a very short phase. You shouldn’t be the only one to compromise. His brother will understand when he has kids, just as you probably see your child free wedding slightly differently now too.

I hope you get this sorted out OP, because by the time this wedding comes around you’ll be shattered. If it’s not sorted well before you go, it will put strain on you and your husband.

Doingmybest12 · 06/03/2024 07:36

YesterdayandBoris · 04/03/2024 07:12

Sorry I’ve not made it clear, this is part of a much bigger holiday we’re going for two weeks. My son is expected to be the ring bearer and has a suit for the ‘day’ aspect of the wedding but then is expected to disappear?

If I wanted to do the holiday I'd also do the wedding with 3 year old as ring bearer(and feel very proud) if ge wanted to and then I'd go with the children and skip the formalities, assuming food will be provided in the bridal suite for children and carers . It doesn't feel like they've entirely thought it through . It's a few hours , it'll work out. With little ones you often dip out of things part way through.