To ask for a seat for my 3 years old at the wedding?

[YesterdayandBoris]

My husband and I are travelling long distance for his brothers wedding - 16+ hour flight. We will have two children (currently waiting the arrival of our second) they will be 2 months and 3 years at the time of the wedding.

My BIL keeps suggesting the wedding is ‘no children’, which we understand we also didn’t have children at our wedding but we’re travelling half way across the world!

We have just RSVP’d and our son doesn’t have a space at the meal. I quote “they thought all the children would go upstairs to the bridal suite” - my son is 3 in a foreign country there is no way I’m sending him upstairs with some random family friend of the brides I don’t know.

AIBU to say no he needs to be at the meal?

• *It’s a very late wedding getting married at 6pm, and so the meal starts at 7pm so I’m going to have to leave at some point with the children anyway to take them to bed.

FWIW my husband agrees but is trying to be diplomatic because we also didn’t want children at our wedding so can see their point. But at our wedding we didn’t have any nieces or nephews at the time so it was just friends children that were not invited. Which I think is completely different, plus those people had childcare options we are in a different country.

As a matter of principle I normally hate childfree weddings where even the nieces and nephews aren't invited. I think it's weird and wrong. I can totally understand not wanting to invite loads of your friends' kids who you barely even know, but nieces and nephews - come on! Especially if they are part of the wedding party??!

HOWEVER, in this particular case, at least they have made arrangements for the kids, they're not just expecting you to fly across the world without your kids (like we sometimes see on here). Are they going to be feeding the kids in the bridal suite? I imagine they are assuming the little kids will be ready for bed soon after 7 anyway (whether that's true or not for you, I imagine that was their reasoning) . So actually, in this case I don't think they are being all that unreasonable, so I would suck it up, go with the flow and don't cause a fuss tbh...

An overtired and over stimulated 3 year old sitting down to a formal meal starting after 7pm sounds like just the sort of nightmare they would want to avoid by having a child-free wedding.

They did.

We have just RSVP’d and our son doesn’t have a space at the meal. I quote “they thought all the children would go upstairs to the bridal suite” - my son is 3 in a foreign country there is no way I’m sending him upstairs with some random family friend of the brides I don’t know.

SO many of these threads recently. WHY have people started treated their own nieces and nephews like this. WHY are people so entitled and arrogant to expect people to travel across the world and treat them like this? And when do people become so selfish to think that because the day is theirs, everything needs to revolve around them.
I didn't have my wedding at my chosen venue- I chose one that would be most accommodating for the elderly in our family to travel to.
I had all babies and little children there, unless the parents chose not to have them. What did you expect people to do with little children, especially if all family will be at the wedding and the children do not know strangers/babysitters?
I look back at my wedding and all the people that are no longer here, all the little kids grown up, and it is a good feeling because weddings are NOT just about you. Why are people willing to cause upset amongst family members just for a wedding when It's really about the marriage.

Was this all explained before they asked about your son being ring bearer and that it was a child-free wedding?

I literally can't bear this sort of palaver. What an absolute cheek! Weddings used to be nice family occasions, now everyone acts as if they're in Hello! Magazine! It would be a hard no from me on attending at all. I'd take my family holiday elsewhere and if my husband wanted to go, he could go alone (funds permitting). Until people stand up to this sort of nonsense it'll never end. I've been invited to lots of abroad weddings, I turn them all down. In hindsight, I've never really missed anything except a load of hassle! I'm there for the marriage and that's the important bit.

I think if you're organising a no kids wedding then that's fair enough, absolutely your choice. You then decide whether you're going, or not, and with a weeks old baby I'd have sent DH and said not.

By asking your DS to dress up as a ring bearer and suggested that all the children be taken off to The Bridal Suite, it's muddied the waters, a lot. There is no way that my DC at age 3 would have happily trotted off a long haul flight, into a suit, and then off into a room with a load of strangers, and probably wouldn't be loving the experience more than a decade later. It's a lot to expect of him, and of you with a newborn.

I'd do what's easiest for you. You're not a magician, you can't make them appear and disappear at will.

With my first, we were invited to a wedding, and so I took a 7-week-old baby to Italy. It was fine! Apart from having to go to London to get the passport as it wouldn't have come back in time otherwise. Little babies are very portable.

in my opinion, if the child is taking part in the ceremony they should be included in the reception, you can’t have it both ways.

are they happy you bringing the baby to the service/reception at 2 months you can hardly leave it with minder ?

in your position I would go on the holiday as planned and tell husband to go to the wedding to represent the family, and take the children out for the day on my own. I wouldn’t be happy leaving a 3 year old and new born with people I don’t know, and you have every right to say so.

I understand people saying they have the right to a child free wedding, we did. But you can’t have a child just for the bit you want a get rid when you don’t want them .

Just get a babysitter for them in room upstairs. No-one wants a 3 year old at a meal at 7pm.

Just to add a few things to my previous comment:

I went to several weddings when my child was between 1-3, and whilst we appreciated being able to bring them (we wouldn't have been able to go otherwise) and it was lovely for them to see their family and they loved the dancing part, the dinner and speeches were always the most stressful part. It's a really long time for a little kid to be sat at a table, and me and DH always basically ended up taking it in turns to sit at the table and eat/listen to the speeches while the other took the child outside for a run around.

So as a dyed-in-the-wool fan of children at weddings (we had about 20 children at our own wedding) - I would actually say this sounds like a really good plan for you as parents, and I would seriously consider accepting it joyfully. To me it sounds like the best of both worlds. You can always get the babysitter to text you if your child is upset. And if there are a few children it might be fun for them.

(I also left our 18 month old with a babysitter she'd never met, in a foreign country, to attend another family event once, and she was absolutely fine. I know all children are different, but just some reassurance that it can be fine).

Can't you and the children just skip the wedding? I can't imagine it'll be much fun for you with a 3 year old and a new baby! I would just let DH go and chill out with your little ones instead - room service and pj's!

Bet she didn't ask them to be ring bearer/flower girls/bridesmaids though

Sorry I know this is not what you asked but I wish people would make weddings a family affair again. Now you understand how inconveniencing it is if children aren't invited. Weddings are supposed to be families coming together.
Yet the young couple 'really don't want children there '.
Yet almost without fail, once they have kids they understand that 'where do you leave your kids if you travel to a different city for a wedding'. Then only do they realise oh wait it's not that easy. Case in point.
I have sympathy for you but part of me thinks, you should feel what you made other people feel. Obv I would tell you to bring the kid, but gosh I wish you (all couples) were able to be mature enough to put themselves in parents with young childrens shoes without actually waiting he have that understanding until you have your own kids

Short answer:

• Just don't go to the evening yourself and stay at home with the kids so DH can attend
• TBH given the three year old will presumably be asleep most of the evening, a babysitter isn't a terrible idea. Can you arrange your own?

I have travelled to a few international weddings with small children and have always put them to bed then got a local babysitter (hotels can help, or via a local nursery).

I find it greatly amusing that people have child-free weddings, then have children and realise what a massive PITA this is.

Leave a 2 month old with a babysitter in a hotel?

Feeding aside (but mum is only downstairs and can easily come up if needed), a 2m old is going to be much more 'ok' with a random babysitter than 3yo. It's mum and dad that are likely to find it stressful, the baby probably won't care less or barely notice at that age.

Normally I would be on your side as there's not any way I would attend and have our children taken elsewhere.........but you put that in place at yours, not caring that there might be others in the same as your situation now. You reap what you sow.
I don't ever attend things my kids aren't invited to. You might have to start doing the same.

I think the Bride is being unreasonable. If you really want to go to all the trouble and expense of attending this wedding at all, I would graciously say that you will not attend the meal either so that you can take care of your son.

This advocating for the/any 3 year old to attend the evening, have surely missed what it is they want him to attend.

It's a formal sit down dinner in the evening, past his bedtime, with speeches.

Attending that is no fun for anybody. Certainly no fun for the 3 year old. No fun for the adult caring for him. No fun if he makes any kind of noise during the speeeches. Complete waste of money for the food.

There is no benefit to anyone of him attending.

So only nephew is only child going and going to be ring bearer

Meal js going to be 7pm onwards

You are prob going to have a tired ratty emotional 3yr by evening

Totally understandable b&g don't want kids there. You didn't

But they have arranged a babysittter to help you

I would ask to See her cv and refs dbs and pli and organise a FaceTime call now to speak to them and so that 3yr can see them - plus a week before wedding /travelling another FaceTime to refresh memory and day before meet them in person

I have done a lot of wedding crèches /been the day/night nanny for brides kids

And have done all of the above and been a local /2hr drive away

Or

You go up to room yourself /back to villa if easier and settle 3yr. Feed baby and relax yourself

I'd be knocking the meal on the head and heading back to the villa with the kids for some child friendly food and feeding time for the baby. Have been to a wedding as a guest [husband was groomsman] with an 8 week old post partum. She had her first round of vaccinations before we travelled [within UK] thankfully but it was very difficult to stop her being passed around and coo'd over by guests. Evening cluster feeding was a bit of a nightmare, eating a meal with one hand and the noise from the band/disco was tremendous. Baby was unsettled and we had terrifically bad nights sleep when we did get back to the hotel.
They were very old and good friends but with hindsight I should have left DH to travel by himself.
It sounds like you are leaving the UK where there are currently large outbreaks of whooping cough/covid type viruses and smaller outbreaks of measles. How confident are you in your destination and whether your children will be protected?

There is no way I would leave a 3 year old with previously unknown to me babysitters at a wedding.

If that was the expectation I would either decline or use a known babysitter.

OP you had a child free wedding, why shouldn’t they? Either don’t travel just for the wedding to make a holiday of it.

I love weddings generally and think the bride and groom set the guest list/ child status/ meal options etc and guests are free to say yes or no.

Sorry @GRex I’ve quoted totally the wrong post!

I think the more recent posters need to read the OP's updates. Just select "See all"