To ask for a seat for my 3 years old at the wedding?

[YesterdayandBoris]

My husband and I are travelling long distance for his brothers wedding - 16+ hour flight. We will have two children (currently waiting the arrival of our second) they will be 2 months and 3 years at the time of the wedding.

My BIL keeps suggesting the wedding is ‘no children’, which we understand we also didn’t have children at our wedding but we’re travelling half way across the world!

We have just RSVP’d and our son doesn’t have a space at the meal. I quote “they thought all the children would go upstairs to the bridal suite” - my son is 3 in a foreign country there is no way I’m sending him upstairs with some random family friend of the brides I don’t know.

AIBU to say no he needs to be at the meal?

• *It’s a very late wedding getting married at 6pm, and so the meal starts at 7pm so I’m going to have to leave at some point with the children anyway to take them to bed.

FWIW my husband agrees but is trying to be diplomatic because we also didn’t want children at our wedding so can see their point. But at our wedding we didn’t have any nieces or nephews at the time so it was just friends children that were not invited. Which I think is completely different, plus those people had childcare options we are in a different country.

Because they will be a stranger and he will already be in a strange environment.

Enjoy the holiday. The wedding day is a small part. Go for the ceremony, drinks and photos then have a quiet evening in your hotel room with your children.

It's weird to want a child in the ceremony but not provide a place at dinner but I guess with it running into the evening it's easy to avoid.

Curious why you don't understand why a lot of people won't leave their DC with a complete stranger when in a foreign country.

Do you want to go to the wedding? It might be easier to not bother. I can understand you not wanting a stranger babysitter. At the moment it sounds like you get dressed up only to stay a short time.

I don't think your dc needs a seat. How are you going to get him to sit the whole time? How are you going to feed him if he's not at the meal? It's all a mish mash.

Say you aren't leaving your child with a stranger in charge of a load of children. I cam understand not wanting a 3yo at a formal meal so might be easier to make other plans.

Rather massive drip feed OP!

I guess you will have to say you can’t do the evening part of the wedding. Have you clarified the roles for the baby? It sounds like communication has not been good. Just like your OP ;-)

I am from a different culture and whilst I finally accept that child-free weddings are a thing in this country, nothing will make me think it’s ok to exclude your own nieces and nephews from such an event! I find it so odd.

Which way will you be travelling?

For example - UK to LA or UK to SINGAPORE?

jet lag might play a part in your DC bedtimes so bedtime might not actually be at 7pm local time depending on how long you are there before the wedding

If we're only talking about the meal and you'll have a two month old as well, I'd just carry on with the plan, but only your DH attend the meal. I doubt the meal will be manageable or pleasant for you both with a 3 year old and a 2 month old anyway.

The calls for you not to go at all are OTT.

Yes this. Or if you want to attend the dinner, look into hiring a professional babysitter. They will only be upstairs and you can check them between courses. There's no way that a child should be seated at the table. Imagine the poor person on the other side of him. I'm sure he's cute but no one really enjoys other people's kids when they want to relax away from their own! (Unless they are Italians!!) Everyone at the table would have to watch their language etc for a three year old. Not so much fun.

Yabu and rude. You were told no children and now demanding your child has a place on the table. Your dh goes alone as it's his family.

Personally - but we regularly use babysitters so this is not a weird thing for us - I would at least find out a bit more about the babysitter first. Are they a qualified childcare professional? Can you check their references? If you're there for a longer period, can you meet them beforehand and see how they get on with your child?

Op...you do realize the 2 month old not invited either if no children

He has been vwry clear about no chikdren. They have nade provision for your child. You cannot insist he has a seat. They dont want him there!

You either agree to them being minded upstairs which they have made provison for or you dont attend. Simple

IF THE WEDDING INCLUDES A 3 YEAR OLD RING BEARER IT IS NOT A CHILD FREE WEDDING!!!

This is surely different - it’s the other side of the world. It’s not as if the OP can just call a local babysitter and have her children minded for a few hours in their own home

You really should've put that in the OP as people are bound not to read this bit.

I'd be very wary of taking an 8 week old on a long-haul flight as they'd be very vulnerable to infection. They might have had the 8 week vaccinations but won't have developed much immunity by then.

I think this is the most sensible suggestion.

Some posters are going to miss the important drip feed as the Op decided to leave out of the original post. 🤷🏻‍♂️

I think the fact he is a ring bearer does change the game somewhat and yes it would be reasonable of them to feed him as he is a relatively key part of the wedding. Would he be fed in the bridal suite upstairs do you know?

Personally I wouldn't worry about him with babysitter (but my daughter was at nursery by that age and used to being looked after by a range of adults). Or are your worries more safe-guarding ones?

I do think he will probably prefer being up there is there are toys/activities/television - it would be tiring for a small child to sit at a formal dinner at that type of day.

But given they want him in the wedding, it's not a child free wedding is it? What they want is a childful wedding but a child-free meal. Two very different things......

To me the most mental thing here is going on holiday with an 8 week old baby. At 8 weeks pp I was a barely functioning human being 🤣

Why don't you just skip the meal and something with your DS? They get the child free wedding do, your DS isn't left slone. Or just take some toys and a tablet, order room service and join him in the suite.

As much as I think it's tacky to have children as props for the wedding party and then not invite them to the reception it is what it is. If it doesn't work for your family all you can do is decline or have one person attend the reception and the other take the kids to bed.

Agree with PP, can't think of anything worse than trying to attend a formal event or any event with an 8 week old.

This sounds fine to me so long as the DC are getting fed. I expect the brother is just trying to include him to please you. If you don't want to do it, just head back to your accommodation after the ceremony with DC and let DH stay, it's a bit late for DC anyway.

You say you're only going as you're going on holiday there anyway, so this is fine. Otherwise I would say you and DC should stay at home. Travelling so far with 2 young DC sounds horrific!

I always wondered what happens to child free wedding brides when they have children. And now we know - turn into CF.

Just on the 6 week old baby on a plane point. My experience was that it was brilliant. It was dds first night of sleeping all the way through. The bassinet plus rocking motion of the place must have been lovely for her.
The difficult age to fly long haul is 1 or 2 yrs old, not babies.