To ask for a seat for my 3 years old at the wedding?

[YesterdayandBoris]

My husband and I are travelling long distance for his brothers wedding - 16+ hour flight. We will have two children (currently waiting the arrival of our second) they will be 2 months and 3 years at the time of the wedding.

My BIL keeps suggesting the wedding is ‘no children’, which we understand we also didn’t have children at our wedding but we’re travelling half way across the world!

We have just RSVP’d and our son doesn’t have a space at the meal. I quote “they thought all the children would go upstairs to the bridal suite” - my son is 3 in a foreign country there is no way I’m sending him upstairs with some random family friend of the brides I don’t know.

AIBU to say no he needs to be at the meal?

• *It’s a very late wedding getting married at 6pm, and so the meal starts at 7pm so I’m going to have to leave at some point with the children anyway to take them to bed.

FWIW my husband agrees but is trying to be diplomatic because we also didn’t want children at our wedding so can see their point. But at our wedding we didn’t have any nieces or nephews at the time so it was just friends children that were not invited. Which I think is completely different, plus those people had childcare options we are in a different country.

Setting aside the Schadenfreude at you seeing child free weddings differently now you have kids, this sounds shit.

You presumably spend thousands on flights, hotels, outfits and presents etc, DC is in a photo op then gets whisked off, DC (and other passengers) have to endure long travel and jetlag...

Honestly I'd just say dh was going on his own, save your money and save the kids the ordeal. Kids that age really don't need to travel so far for very little benefit. You could probably buy years worth of close to home holidays for the cost of that one trip.

I'd never travel that far with 8 week old either, what if they got ill, or feeding problems etc

A 7pm dinner will not be suitable for a 3yr old or a baby. Whether they have a seat or not is irrelevant.

Discussion about child free weddings and babysitters aside.

You actually WANT to your toddler to stay up late, and sit though a lengthy dinner which will include speeches etc, at 7-9/10pm? Are you actually crazy? Trying to keep a small child quiet at the best of times is difficult. Doing it when it's part bedtime and they are overtired - that's a big challenge you are putting on yourself.

As for the baby, it's a great time to travel compared to when they are older, and so what if baby is cluster feeding. I have no idea why this means you couldn't attend a meal, it just means you've got some company whilst having a baby stick to your boob. Though check it's ok for baggy to be at the meal as well.

It's sounds like they were clear with the plans although I find it odd they want him for the service then to leave.

If you choose to attend the wedding I would leave with your son.

I think it's a bit rich bride and groom want your son as ring bearer- I'm sure he will cute in the photos- then as soon as he is inconvenient banish him to upstairs.
It's not really a child free wedding- they are picking and choosing when they want children present.
But you had a child free wedding too- so I guess you should be sympathetic .
You have 4 choices- Dont go to evening meal and sit with your DC
Don't go to wedding at all
Your DH just attends wedding
Attend everything and let babysitter look after your DC

Personally I think weddings are family celebrations and children should be welcome . However I appreciate that's a minority view !

Go to the day then leave your dh to go to the evening meal on his own. Take the kids up to your room and have an early night.

Where are you going? Will heat and humidity be an issue? Somewhere like Singapore will be hot and very humid. Your 3 year old will be uncomfortable in a suit if you’re outside. And you’ll all need to be in the shade or stood under the AC or you’ll burn quickly and be very sweaty!

I’d just duck out at the same time and go to the room and get room service. If they aren’t going to add a place for the child then I’d let them know I wouldn’t be eating as I don’t want to leave my children with a stranger

People who don't have kids just don't really get it. You're going to have to just do what they want as it's their wedding. We had a similar situation for my brothers wedding- my DD was a bridesmaid but then wasn't invited to the meal and party afterwards. My brother made no concessions for her- no food or drinks etc provided. In the end my in laws collected her after the drinks reception and took her home. Now that they have their own child I'm sure it would be different but they made their choice for their wedding which we respected. If your kids aren't invited to the meal and you aren't comfortable with them going upstairs with the other children then you will need to leave after the wedding with your child. You can't impose your own ideal situation on them.

I get where you’re coming from Op, but:

I currently have a 3 year old and a 3 month old. I am EXHAUSTED.

And there is absolutely NO WAY my 3 year old would sit at a formal dinner table for long. It will be incredibly boring it’s likely he would get irritable. Especially at a time when he would likely be winding down for bed.

On this occasion I would cut your losses tbh. Attend the ceremony so you can see the wedding and your son can be the ring bearer, but then you go back to your hotel room with them and maybe order room service. You’re unlikely to be able to enjoy the meal anyway with 2 young kids to keep quiet. My 3 year old is a velcro baby so I often need to eat with one hand.

We had this scenario at my DB wedding. Kids (3 and 5) came to church bit and general drinks reception bit, but then left with a babysitter back to our accommodation for the meal and evening do. They seemed pretty happy with that as they wouldn’t have enjoyed sitting through a boring meal anyway. And I definitely enjoyed myself much more.

Difference for us was though that we already knew and trusted the babysitter, as we’d used her before when we visited family. I do understand you are not in that position.

Presumably your choices are either don’t go at all (over dramatic), use the babysitter offered upstairs, or you miss the dinner and take your kids back to your room for bed. Or B&G might change their mind about your 3 year old at the meal

All this discussion about the 3 year old, but what about the baby? Do they want you to leave the 2 month old upstairs too?

I think I would try to be accommodated within the framework that has been organised.
Obviously your baby will be in arms and welcome with you.
Son is suited and performs day job then goes up stairs with other kids to bridal suite - snacks, play - you check on him, collect when ready to leave..
Options you have are;

• To employ an extra baby sitter to be with the group in the bridal suite and attend specifically to your son.
• You or your husband is always with son upstairs.
• You do your best with arrangements but there comes a point when, with speeches and meal out of the way, you all leave early.
• You leave son upstairs for a short while but you and baby leave early to your accommodation, leaving DH to party.

Take good advice about babysitter and make sure son meets the baby sitter and that babysitters have your phone numbers.
Your son will enjoy it upstairs far more than in a noisy adult venue.

Following your updates YANBU they can't have him as part of the wedding party and then just 'poof' him away.

You said they don't have children, maybe they don't get it. (I didn't and I have a million nieces/ nephews)

Very strange that he expects him to be ring bearer and then disappear. At the very least the bride and groom should be arranging for an entertainer/childcare for him. I can see how a three year old probably wouldn't enjoy a wedding as they'd get bored/tired.

Thanks for this, I think you’re right. I’m going to ask if he can meet the babysitter before and maybe a bit more information about food/ activities in the bridal suite. We can pop upstairs when appropriate in the meal.

We have a villa about 15 minutes drive away, I’ll stay as long as he is happy upstairs then whisk them off to bed. The post has been super helpful made me realise they just want a lovely quiet meal without my children which is fine. They’ve not mentioned the baby but I’ll be breastfeeding and I’m sure they’ll be easily calmed with some milk/ cluster feeding.

I also recognise how mad it is travelling so far with young children, but it’s his only brother.

But it isn't child free if OP's son is part of the ceremony.

I find no children weddings really sad, they are inconvenient for people with kids who supposedly you love enough to watch you marry and aren't there enough days/ nights to go out and get drunk with just adults? For me weddings are about introducing your friends and family to each other and forming a new family. So that's what I did for my wedding...and you had no children at yours presumably for really good reasons. This isn't your wedding so I think you just have to accept their choice.

"FWIW my husband agrees but is trying to be diplomatic because we also didn’t want children at our wedding so can see their point."

Just out of curiosity, is the wedding in India because it seems like there is a lot of karma involved here 😂

YABU

they have been clear no children are allowed to the meal - so if you are not comfortable with the arrangements then you don’t go to the meal

You have some cheek. You had a no children wedding yourself which was fine but now it's different because you have a child. Let your husband go to dinner and stay upstairs with your child . What part of a no kids wedding was unclear to you .

Are you sure they want the baby there? We had a similar issue when DH was best man - B&G knew perfectly well I would have a 6 week old baby at the time of the ceremony but made it VERY clear they didn't want the baby anywhere near it. As they had effectively withdrawn my invitation, DH told the groom he felt he had no choice but to pull out also.

I think given your son is in the wedding they are being unreasonable. On this occasion I'd go back to them and say you aren't comfortable leaving your ds with people you don't know at such a young age. Therefore you either need to have them with you during the day or you unfortunately won't be able to attend and dh will have to go alone. Or you can both go and leave the children at home with someone you trust to babysit.

I don't think it's fair for them to expect a child to be in the wedding but then to vanish. I would be clarifying this before you book flights or accommodation because they are within their rights to still say no, and you are within your rights to say you therefore can't attend.

YABU to insist he is at the meal. That would mean other children would need to be there too. I think it is a bit double standards that you banned children from your wedding but are annoyed when your child isn't invited to the meal. Either don't go at all or go along with what the bride wants.

This had me laughing. I have been in hotel rooms with a 2 mth old and a toddler (2 though, not 3). There was no chance I could "eat my room service dinner and chill" as the only adult in that scenario.