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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a seat for my 3 years old at the wedding?

319 replies

YesterdayandBoris · 04/03/2024 07:05

My husband and I are travelling long distance for his brothers wedding - 16+ hour flight. We will have two children (currently waiting the arrival of our second) they will be 2 months and 3 years at the time of the wedding.

My BIL keeps suggesting the wedding is ‘no children’, which we understand we also didn’t have children at our wedding but we’re travelling half way across the world!

We have just RSVP’d and our son doesn’t have a space at the meal. I quote “they thought all the children would go upstairs to the bridal suite” - my son is 3 in a foreign country there is no way I’m sending him upstairs with some random family friend of the brides I don’t know.

AIBU to say no he needs to be at the meal?

  • *It’s a very late wedding getting married at 6pm, and so the meal starts at 7pm so I’m going to have to leave at some point with the children anyway to take them to bed.

FWIW my husband agrees but is trying to be diplomatic because we also didn’t want children at our wedding so can see their point. But at our wedding we didn’t have any nieces or nephews at the time so it was just friends children that were not invited. Which I think is completely different, plus those people had childcare options we are in a different country.

OP posts:
urbanbuddha · 04/03/2024 07:19

A 3 year old isn’t going to have a massively fun time at a formal meal. What’s the plan for the children in the bridal suite?

User364837 · 04/03/2024 07:19

How much do you like this BIL? Because a 16 hour flight with a 2 month old and 3 Yr old…. No way! 😆

arethereanyleftatall · 04/03/2024 07:20

I would have no problem with the childcare they've organised. I bet it'll be fun for your son. So, I'd go.

But, no, it would be very entitled (and hypocritical) to ask for a seat for your son. He's not invited.

MargaretThursday · 04/03/2024 07:21

If it's bil's wedding then he's not suggesting it's childfree, he's telling you.
I suspect the ring bearer is to mollify you rather than because he's keen on the idea too.

Crabwoman · 04/03/2024 07:22

I don't think your brother in law "is suggesting it's a child free wedding." I think your brother in law has said it's a child free wedding.

Either your DH attends alone, your son goes to up the bridal suite, or you bring someone with you to look after the kids during the reception.

Original poster
YesterdayandBoris · 04/03/2024 07:22

tiggergoesbounce · 04/03/2024 07:18

So your DS is part of the wedding party during the day as ring bearer, and it's just the night (meal) hes not invited to.

Just go to the bits its agreed he goes to and you bow out with the kids where hes not invited. Then enjoy the rest of the holiday.

Yes this is what I’ve suggested to DH. The wedding is at 5.30-6pm (sunset wedding) he’s expected to be there then it’s canapés and drinks - so I imagine he’ll be expected for photos during that time. It’s just the 7pm onward he’s expected to be upstairs in the bridal suite, they didn’t mention the baby.

OP posts:
LadyBird1973 · 04/03/2024 07:22

YANBU
It's clearly not a child free wedding if the groom wants your child to be part of the ceremony.

I actually think there's a big difference between a child free wedding when no one in the family has kids any and a child free wedding where close family do have kids and when they are travelling from abroad for said wedding! You have no childcare, since presumably the family you would trust with your child will also be at the wedding!

No B&G have the right to insist a parent leaves their small child with a stranger. They are being very selfish here - if they want you to travel halfway around the world to attend, then they need to accommodate your whole family unit. It's really not comparable to a wedding where you aren't travelling and have childcare options. And it's not comparable to excluding friends children, since they aren't really obliged to attend and their childcare isn't also at the wedding.

Allshallbewell2021 · 04/03/2024 07:23

If your 3 year old is a ring bearer that makes him part of the wedding party doesn't it which makes it impossible for you to not bring him.
But I think when you have young kids one of you needs to be able to miss things. If the couple want an adult meal with no sobbing, exhausted kids - I get it.
So if you plan to go then one of you needs to miss the meal? It seems pretty much the only solution.

Nohousemove · 04/03/2024 07:23

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 04/03/2024 07:08

Why have you RSVP’d to accept if this is the case? It seems clear that you can’t attend with your children as they are not invited.

Yes, this.

Why are you planning on taking your family to something they’re not invited to.

cerebuswannabe · 04/03/2024 07:23

I would tell DH to go to the wedding alone and then you can enjoy the rest of the holiday as a family once the wedding days out of the way.

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 04/03/2024 07:25

Honestly with a 2 month old and 3 year old, having travelled 16plus hours you will be absolutely knackered. Take the out, enjoy the day, the ceremony and canapes and then head up to bed, put the kids down, read your book and have an early night.

LadyBird1973 · 04/03/2024 07:25

I do think your best solution is to take the kids to your room during the meal and have a lovely room service dinner and chill.

DinnaeFashYersel · 04/03/2024 07:30

If it's a hard no then either DH goes alone or you need to decline.

Don't book flights before this is sorted.

WeAreWarriorsWeAreWarriors · 04/03/2024 07:31

I'd go along with their plans. I'd book a nice room in the hotel, do the wedding ceremony and drinks afterwards with both children then I'd take them upstairs for bed and an early night for me. You'll have a 2 month old and might be grateful for it.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 04/03/2024 07:32

What goes around comes around, I guess.

I hate child free weddings personally, but it's the prerogative of the bride and groom to have whatever kind of wedding they want. Guests can decline if it doesn't suit them.

I just wouldn't go in this scenario.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/03/2024 07:32

What's the plan with your two month old?

DinnaeFashYersel · 04/03/2024 07:33

Saw your update.

In which case go for the holiday but you and your child pull out if the wedding.

If they want your child to perform then they let him attend and eat. Otherwise no performance.

Original poster
YesterdayandBoris · 04/03/2024 07:35

LadyBird1973 · 04/03/2024 07:22

YANBU
It's clearly not a child free wedding if the groom wants your child to be part of the ceremony.

I actually think there's a big difference between a child free wedding when no one in the family has kids any and a child free wedding where close family do have kids and when they are travelling from abroad for said wedding! You have no childcare, since presumably the family you would trust with your child will also be at the wedding!

No B&G have the right to insist a parent leaves their small child with a stranger. They are being very selfish here - if they want you to travel halfway around the world to attend, then they need to accommodate your whole family unit. It's really not comparable to a wedding where you aren't travelling and have childcare options. And it's not comparable to excluding friends children, since they aren't really obliged to attend and their childcare isn't also at the wedding.

Thank you! This is exactly how I feel, this post made me feel a little emotional that someone else recognises my view.

OP posts:
PurBal · 04/03/2024 07:38

YesterdayandBoris · 04/03/2024 07:12

Sorry I’ve not made it clear, this is part of a much bigger holiday we’re going for two weeks. My son is expected to be the ring bearer and has a suit for the ‘day’ aspect of the wedding but then is expected to disappear?

This was fairly major info.

If he’s in the wedding he needs a seat, yes. But tbh I feel like this is something that should have been sorted beforehand.

Saymyname28 · 04/03/2024 07:42

Nah your kid isn't a prop to look cute carrying the rings and for photos.
Either he's a part of the wedding or he's not.

If they don't want him there then DH can go alone and come back you all after the ceremony/ meal at a push.

GRex · 04/03/2024 07:43

YesterdayandBoris · 04/03/2024 07:22

Yes this is what I’ve suggested to DH. The wedding is at 5.30-6pm (sunset wedding) he’s expected to be there then it’s canapés and drinks - so I imagine he’ll be expected for photos during that time. It’s just the 7pm onward he’s expected to be upstairs in the bridal suite, they didn’t mention the baby.

Show quote history

The extra info changes things. Best thing really would be to take both kids at 7pm for a small meal upstairs then bed. They'll be tired anyway, the meal/ speeches are not exciting and you could have a babysitter call you if they wake up.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 04/03/2024 07:45

Just say that he (and you) won't be in the wedding if he isn't invited to the reception. The bride and groom can then decide what's most important to them.

CurlewKate · 04/03/2024 07:46

Curious why you won't use the babysitter provided because it's in a foreign country...

Merrymouse · 04/03/2024 07:46

If there is a 3 year old ring bearer, it is not a child free wedding.

I can’t imagine a 3 year old wanting to sit quietly through all the speeches and it sounds as though they are trying to accommodate him thoughtfully, but I can quite see why he wouldn’t want to go off with a babysitter.

Do you really need to ask for a place for him at the table (with food), or do you just need to tell them that he might need to be with you for some of the time and need an extra chair?

RampantIvy · 04/03/2024 07:48

When DD was 2 months old she was cluster feeding all evening, so a formal evening meal was out anyway.

I think taking a 6 - 8 week old baby on a long haul holiday and wedding is pretty ambitious TBH (based on my experience).

I feel that bride/groomzillas never give enough thought to the logistics when they want cute children props at their weddings.