To ask for a seat for my 3 years old at the wedding?

[YesterdayandBoris]

My husband and I are travelling long distance for his brothers wedding - 16+ hour flight. We will have two children (currently waiting the arrival of our second) they will be 2 months and 3 years at the time of the wedding.

My BIL keeps suggesting the wedding is ‘no children’, which we understand we also didn’t have children at our wedding but we’re travelling half way across the world!

We have just RSVP’d and our son doesn’t have a space at the meal. I quote “they thought all the children would go upstairs to the bridal suite” - my son is 3 in a foreign country there is no way I’m sending him upstairs with some random family friend of the brides I don’t know.

AIBU to say no he needs to be at the meal?

• *It’s a very late wedding getting married at 6pm, and so the meal starts at 7pm so I’m going to have to leave at some point with the children anyway to take them to bed.

FWIW my husband agrees but is trying to be diplomatic because we also didn’t want children at our wedding so can see their point. But at our wedding we didn’t have any nieces or nephews at the time so it was just friends children that were not invited. Which I think is completely different, plus those people had childcare options we are in a different country.

Was he actually asked to be ring bearer from the beginning? Or did that come about because you started making noise about bringing him?

And why would you want a 3 year old at a 7pm formal dinner? He won’t enjoy it. They have arranged childcare; use the childcare. Or don’t go. Those are your options. That’s it. Either use the childcare and send the kids upstairs or don’t go.

I personally think it's selfish to take a baby that small on a flight. Their poor little ears! They will be prone to infection at that age being on a plane. It is also inconsiderate of other passengers as a baby will be distressed and would be noisy for at least some of the flight. As a passenger presumably paying a huge amount of money for a seat on a 16 hour flight, that would be my idea of hell. Stay home with the baby, they won't remember the holiday or wedding anyway, I would take them when they're older.

How much time beforehand will you have to meet the babysitter? If I was you I’d explain the situation to your BIL in terms of your 3 year old maybe getting upset to be with a strange babysitter in another country and ask if either you can meet the babysitter the day before, or if your son can be there for the first part of the meal. I wouldn’t completely rule out the possibility of the babysitter being totally fine and your son being well looked after. We did something similar at a ‘child free’ family wedding in New Zealand with our two year old - met the babysitter first, and then our son stayed for a bit of the meal, one of us settled him and rejoined the wedding. It’s not impossible

The OP didn’t ask if they should bring their baby, and presumably she’s decided to so why stick your oar in?

The wedding is abroad from your OP, having the children sitting at the wedding meal with the parents is a very British thing to do. I can't understand how you would want your 3yo to attend a long evening meal with speeches, people drinking etc.
Surely it's better for him to be somewhere calm with toys, food he would actually eat and a place to sleep if tired. It's not about "kids disappearing", it's about the fact that a wedding dinner isn't fun or appropriate. You can always go check on him during the meal and the evening.
Or don't go to the dinner, but it's a shame really.

Lol, absolutely. My friend had a child free wedding due to costs, then proceeded to kick off about any child free wedding once she had dc.

Would you appreciate being sat near a screaming 2 month old baby on a 16 hour flight?

OMG! They want a ‘child free wedding’ but want your Ds as a ‘ring bearer’?

That is ridiculous.

If it is a child free wedding let DH go on his own. Or DH takes Ds and then leaves after the ceremony comes back to you and the baby.

You have clear options, either don't go at all, go and skip the meal with your dc, or go for the trip and skip the wedding.

@RampantIvy "Curious why you don't understand why a lot of people won't leave their DC with a complete stranger when in a foreign country."

If she'd do it in Tonbridge Wells why not in Hong Kong?

Childfree wedding usually means child free meal, there may be lo involved in the ceremony.

Why don't you and the children retire to the room as I can't see another option. I am sure food can be arranged, I would assume you may want to feed your 3 year old earlier?

@Gotmytrombolese
Do you have first hand experience of a new born baby crying on a flight? Because I fly reasonably frequently, and have never experienced that. Absolutely yes at toddler age, but very small babies, no.

So it's not a child free wedding, it's a child free reception. So either:

(i) Dont go at all
(ii) go to ceremony part all together and not reception
(Iii) let hubby go alone to reception
(iv) accept the childcare and go to the reception.
(v) sort your own acceptable childcare

Where is the baby going to be? How far is the event from your base in the UK. Do you have other family on your side that can help with the little ones, maybe hire a holiday cottage nearby? Or another room at the hotel.

I would compromise as best you can, it's not about you.

Would your 3 year old enjoy a formal dinner, followed by an hour or so of speeches?
I doubt it.

I hope you let everyone that wanted to bring a child to your wedding as it was inconvenient/impossible to come bring them?

It’s a risk people take when they fly. And it’s one reason I always take noise cancelling headphones. Have you not heard of them? You should check them out.
Would you like to ban all under-3s from long haul flights or something??

I think in this case OP you take one for the team and head up to bed with the kids while your husband stays for the party. May be a bit lame for you but its your husbands brothers wedding and your kids are not invited.

It's a no children wedding, why did you agree to go? I'd have arranged to visit them at some other point when you can hopefully spend more time with them and some sort of mini celebration amongst yourselves.

I mean if that happened, I wouldn't be against it! Or family flights/a section of the plane would be great!

I don't think it's a big deal. And to be honest I think they're doing you a favour by not inviting him to the meal.

A few years ago my then 8 year old daughter was a flower girl at a family wedding. She was the only child invited to the meal and reception as the bride recognised I wouldn't have childcare in a different part of the country.

I chose to opt out and leave after the photos. The meal would have been boring for her and it would have been rubbish for other adults to have to monitor what they do and say for one child. I thought it made much more sense to make sure everyone had fun and enjoyed themselves.

Just leave after the ceremony and enjoy your evening

Ok well maybe start a little campaign on another thread and see how it goes down? Or buy some earplugs or headphones if you’re that bothered

The OP doesn't mention any childcare.

what are the plans for the bridal suite?
there may be activities/other children

@SecondUsername4me

Yes, she does. The bride and groom have arranged childcare for during the meal.

Interesting.

I wonder how many other childfree wedding people change their tune when they have a child and realise how inconvenient it is!