Husband went to friends house for dinner and didn't get back until 4am. Aibu to find this odd?

[JudyLemon]

DH has a friendship group of about 10, all male. Friends fiance loves to invite all of their friendship group over on a semi regular basis and cook for them. He has been twice before and came home around 11 each time.

Last night was one of these meals, she was making chimichangas apparently. He left for theirs at around 5 and got back at 4am this morning. He was a little drunk but seemed fine. We didn't really speak last night and obviously he's still asleep this morning. He doesn’t go out much and is great in all other ways so this really shouldn't bother me but I just feel really uncomfortable with how long he was there.

To be clear, I do not particularly like the fiance and this may be clouding my judgement. I find it quite desperate that she wants to invite a group of men over and cook for them. She's quite abit younger than me and DH and his friends so I guess I'm making a judgement on that too.

Aibu to be annoyed or should I try to not be grumpy with him when he wakes up?

Sometimes that's just how the night goes, get chatting, have a few more drinks and before you know it it's very late! Yes I guess it's unusual for a partner to only invite male husband friends round and wait on them all but if that's what she likes to do then so be it. Of course it sets a bar for us others to do the same bit, but that doesn't mean we have to reciprocate. It's certainly more commonplace to invite partners and get to know their partners x

In our friendship group we'd be calling it a very early night at 11pm. Usually 2am is the norm, sometimes 3 or 4am. Obviously at weekends, not during the week, because we have responsibilities. But we're usually having too much fun to call it a night that early, sometimes we're not even starting dinner until 9pm.

For anyone wanting an update this is all I have to add. Thank you to those who understood how I felt and to those determined put me straight.@MustWeDoThis basically hit the nail on the head with this comment:

"She's an attention seeker/histrionic - That's what's annoying you. It annoys me, too.

Unfortunately, you are sounding a but petulant and controlling. Hubby is an adult with a right to have fun. Just leave it."

I had some idea that I was being abit unreasonable but luckily DH is very understanding and we have a very open relationship so when I explained how I felt he wasn't annoyed or upset with me. He said that he feels the fiancee is just young and out to impress and we agreed that there was nothing wrong with that. However it can be abit irritating when you feel like someone is trying too hard. He said that a few of his friends find it a little uncomfortable that she hangs around as it changes the dynamic. He said that she told them all that she loves hanging out them because they are not as much drama as her female friends. It's things like this that gave me a negative view of her. Going forwards he won't be out for a while anyway, he says it's not worth he hangover. Let me know if there's anything I haven't answered and I will try my best!

Di why do they accept her dinner invite, if they don't want to hang out with her?

He's just placating you OP!

I think saying you have a very open relationship is the wrong terminology in this situation as you might well have something to worry about then 😂😂 Glad everything’s fine between you though.

@Janay55 an open relationship would be quite the drip feed 😂

I meant open communication within our relationship!

I know 😂😂

She invited them over this time after they'd helped friend "thanks for helping Steve, why not come over as a thank you? I'll cook. You all like chimichangas?" Seems perfectly reasonable

It's really not weird to NOT invite partners to a friendship group get together

If they get annoyed with her hanging around then maybe they need to be big boys and say to their friend "Hey, it's great Jane cooks for us but we don't really enjoy her staying around. We're OK ordering pizzas in and she can go out/Why don't we meet at John's this week, men only?"

She is playing the "I am different from other girls!" game.

Sad

I also hate the terms "cool wives" and "pick me girls"

Which are quite often used as a way to shut women up who are deemed to "not be OUR brand of feminism"

Use other terms deemed "shutting women up" and you get comments deleted here but it's ok to do it this way?

I'm surprised at this thread and shocked at the hard time OP has had. I understand her point completely. Older group of male friends, One of them has a new younger fiancee who is overly-keen to impress. I agree with Bees: I'm surprised they haven't said 'Jane hanging around changes the dynamic, lets meets at Johns next time, men only'.

She is getting off on being the only woman in a group of men. Otherwise she would invite all of the men’s girlfriends too. But no, she just lovvvvves being the only woman. She sounds insecure and desperate, yes, I agree with you. This is weird. She is weird. Her excluding any other women but herself is weird. And if your husband came home at 11-ish the first 2 times, he should have texted you about 11-ish to tell you he was going to be awhile longer. If I were you I would have thought he was dead in a ditch somewhere. I do not like any of this.

He said that she told them all that she loves hanging out them because they are not as much drama as her female friends.
I think this thread proves her point.

Exactly! Why do so many women think that women should only want to hang out with other women? When I was young I would far rather talk to men, I just wasn't interested in what women generally talked about, and I'm not into drama. Judging by some of the posts on MN there are many women I wouldn't want to spend more than five seconds with.

It may be a struggle to you to stay up to 4am without cocaine but I could certainly do it. It was a Saturday so he may not have got up until 11am. Time flies when I am chatting with friends so I could easily see this getting to 4am.

? When I was young I would far rather talk to men, I just wasn't interested in what women generally talked about, and I'm not into drama.

i always smile when i read posts like this

I don’t find it desperate, but I do find it controlling!!
she’s inviting his friends there for get togethers so she can control where and when he sees his mates, while coming off as the cool GF who cooks for everyone…. She can then also listen in on discussions and control what’s eaten, drank, talked about etc!!
If a man was doing this to his partner and inviting all her friends there everyone would be calling out huge red flags!

How do you know she is controlling where and when he can see his mates?

Who says he can’t see them whenever he wants. Or see other groups of friends all the time?

Don’t be grumpy with him. Life’s too short and it sounds like he had a great night! We’re generally in bed by 20:30/9pm most nights but some weekends when we see friends, we can look at the clock and it’s silly o’clock. He must’ve needed a blow out. Your turn next weekend. 😉

"Hey, it's great Jane cooks for us but we don't really enjoy her staying around. We're OK ordering pizzas in and she can go out/
Which prompts the thread..
"Aibu dh has told me I need to be out of the house all evening and into the night today as he has friends coming over. Is this fair?"
Which would likely get.
'Who the fuck does he think he is?!! It's YOUR HOME!! you do not leave just because he has friends over! What are they doing? Coke?"

Presumably if the friends don't like it, they can say no?

It's hilarious that OPs husband is saying he's not keen but been back three times?

As I said before l, he's just placating her, telling her "oh but I don't really enjoy it".

And returning multiple times

A group is f men are able to say, no let's go out to eat just us etc.

‘Grown adults with responsibilities are just at someone’s house until 4am’

Why? I rarely go out but we will meet up at a friends house once or twice a year for a cocktail evening (just girls) and that can go on until all hours - one year I was walking home when the sun came up! I don’t understand the issue. If it was every week it may become a problem. If the kids were babies, I could understand your problem (but even then, if it’s only once surely it’s a non issue)

Grown adults with responsibilities need to be in bed by 11pm then? You sound boring or jealous- or both.

With that much projection you should open a chain of cinemas.

She sounds lovely actually it sounds like she's encouraging her partner to spend quality time with his friends and also engage with them a little herself I.e she's making an effort with his mates which is not a bad thing. I think 4am is a bit excessive without a text to let you know he's OK though especially if his usual time in is around 11. At that time I would be worrying he'd been in an accident or something so I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to let you know he's OK when time is ticking away to that extent. He most likely just didn't even realise how late it was if they were enjoying themselves I wouldnt go too hard on him about it. Maybe take a step back and try to figure out what's really bothering you about the situation. Is it the fact he was so late home because you were worried about his welfare? Is it that he went without you !and you feel left out? Is it that you don't trust him to be out without you? Is it because it was that particular woman who invited them and cooked I.e do you think she's after your husband or does she make you feel a bit inadequate because she does this? (not saying you're inadequate but sometimes we can feel that way even if it's not true).

FWIW
He was unreasonable not to text when it was getting late but then if he had realised the time he might not have stayed that late

If he was there til 4am she can't have killed the vibe THAT much

It is perfectly possible to stay out late and not be doing drugs despite what MN seems to think

Just because you're an adult doesn't mean you don't stay out sometimes. So long as it's not a regular occurrence meaning you get left with all the childcare (and you have young teens so this will be minimal really) and he keeps missing out on other things whilst recovering or missing work then it's no biggie