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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband went to friends house for dinner and didn't get back until 4am. Aibu to find this odd?

500 replies

JudyLemon · 03/03/2024 08:51

DH has a friendship group of about 10, all male. Friends fiance loves to invite all of their friendship group over on a semi regular basis and cook for them. He has been twice before and came home around 11 each time.

Last night was one of these meals, she was making chimichangas apparently. He left for theirs at around 5 and got back at 4am this morning. He was a little drunk but seemed fine. We didn't really speak last night and obviously he's still asleep this morning. He doesn’t go out much and is great in all other ways so this really shouldn't bother me but I just feel really uncomfortable with how long he was there.

To be clear, I do not particularly like the fiance and this may be clouding my judgement. I find it quite desperate that she wants to invite a group of men over and cook for them. She's quite abit younger than me and DH and his friends so I guess I'm making a judgement on that too.

Aibu to be annoyed or should I try to not be grumpy with him when he wakes up?

OP posts:
Facinguptothisdebt · 03/03/2024 08:55

Do you trust him generally? If so I'd just leave it. I would probably say something along the lines of wow that was a big night were you doing anything fun? If you really want to pry.

JJathome · 03/03/2024 08:56

Shes desperate as she invites all his mates over and cooks? Good lord. How judgey and ridiculous.

he had a night out with his friends, a late one. Your jealousy of the younger woman shouldn’t stop him doing that.

sleepyscientist · 03/03/2024 08:57

I don't think 4am is the real issue, more why weren't you invited?

fruity81 · 03/03/2024 08:57

you weren’t invited?

fruity81 · 03/03/2024 08:57

children?

Cheville · 03/03/2024 08:58

But what exactly are you annoyed about? Him staying out till 4 am? Eating chimichangas made by a woman you don’t like?

fruity81 · 03/03/2024 08:58

I find it quite desperate that she wants to invite a group of men over and cook for them

well your husband obviously enjoyed it 🤷‍♀️

opentoadvice88 · 03/03/2024 08:59

Have you been invited before?

The dynamic is a bit weird. A woman inviting just the male friends over unless she has attempted to be friendly with you too?

MixingPlaydough · 03/03/2024 08:59

You sound incredibly judgemental about her. How lovely that she doesn't begrudge them all meeting up at her house instead of them having to go out.

I don't think it's weird that he stayed out late for one night he was enjoying himself and having a nice time surely we've all done it on occasion?

ExtraOnions · 03/03/2024 08:59

Why do you have to be either annoyed or grumpy?

in most houses it would be “you were late last night” (in a normal voice) “yea, we were watching a film / playing a game / taking / struggled to get a cab”

As for the fiancé … if that’s what she enjoys doing, so what ? It’s not for you to judge her motives, maybe she just likes cooking.

You sound a bit annoyed that she’s younger than you, so if you are looking for someone who seems a bit desperate, take a good look in the mirror.

Doglegs · 03/03/2024 09:00

Do you think he shagged the wife? There was a gang bang? More likely they were up drinking and talking or watching a film or playing poker/playstation or smoking weed or doing some coke.

gannett · 03/03/2024 09:00

I find it quite desperate that she wants to invite a group of men over and cook for them.

This says more about you than about her. I enjoy hosting and we'll often have around 10 people over for this kind of night. I don't cook but DP enjoys cooking and ergo enjoys cooking for guests too. The guests can be any combination of men, women, his friends, my friends. There have definitely been occasions where he has ended up cooking for a group of around 7-8 women. Is that desperate?

Gotmytrombolese · 03/03/2024 09:01

Cocaine after the chimichangas. Partners and wives weren't invited as they probably wouldn't approve. Staying up until 4am would be a struggle otherwise, particularly after a hearty meal and multiple drinks.

Or perhaps chimichangas is a code word for coke?

JourneyHomee · 03/03/2024 09:01

She sounds lovely. That kind of hospitality is rare now.

Let him have his fun once in while.

Revelatio · 03/03/2024 09:01

He’s hanging out with his friends. Of course she is going to be there if she lives there. My husband and his friends get together a few times a year for a poker game at each other houses. Often stay out until the early hours.

I do this too, and yes, often the husband of one of my friends will be there as they live there.

Sounds like chimichangas are a hit though, I’ll suggest it to my husband for next time!!

KimberleyClark · 03/03/2024 09:01

An 11 hour dinner party does seem quite excessive.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 03/03/2024 09:03

Gotmytrombolese · 03/03/2024 09:01

Cocaine after the chimichangas. Partners and wives weren't invited as they probably wouldn't approve. Staying up until 4am would be a struggle otherwise, particularly after a hearty meal and multiple drinks.

Or perhaps chimichangas is a code word for coke?

Edited

Or just playing a game and getting carried away. It’s brilliant that he has friends and goes out. Many don’t.

IsThisOneAvailable · 03/03/2024 09:03

PPs asking if you were invited - why would she be? It's an all male friendship group, not friends and partners.

OP why don't you invite the friends over and cook for them? I agree with PPs that this smacks of jealousy of the younger women

ChristianHornersGlisteningFinger · 03/03/2024 09:05

I can just see your eyes rolling as you say “chimichangas”.

The great thing about dinner parties is there is no chucking out time. If everyone is in good form and you end up playing a game or the conversation really flows (aided by tequila or, as others have said, drugs) it’s easy and comfy to keep going till the small hours.

A female engaged to be married is a fiancée by the way, I initially thought be must be a gay man from your OP.

IsThisOneAvailable · 03/03/2024 09:05

Doglegs · 03/03/2024 09:00

Do you think he shagged the wife? There was a gang bang? More likely they were up drinking and talking or watching a film or playing poker/playstation or smoking weed or doing some coke.

Bit of a stretch that isn't

Absolutely no suggestion of any drugs?

bosstick · 03/03/2024 09:05

Did he update you saying that he would be later than usual and why?

I’m with you
She does sound desperate cooking for the male friends of her partner if no other woman is invited at all - or maybe she is the type that can’t let her partner do what he wants and inserts herself in everything, obviously using food to worm her way.

Me - I’d just have a night in with my own friends and let the men order pizza

Anyway, if I were you, I’d wait until husband wakes up and see what he says. If it looks like he isn’t going to say much, I’d ask, out of curiosity, what made this particular night last longer.

MixingPlaydough · 03/03/2024 09:06

PPs asking if you were invited - why would she be? It's an all male friendship group, not friends and partners.

Exactly. The women is only there because she lives there too and she's the one happy to have them all at her house. Maybe next time the OPs DH or one of his friends could use their house and then the fiance can have the house to herself.

Candleabra · 03/03/2024 09:07

Well I find it a weird set up whatever anyone else says. DH over to a mates house for a night with the lads - beer and pizza - absolutely fine and normal.
Catered by the fiancé? Really not normal. Why would she even want to? By all means host a dinner party and invite the couples, but this is odd.

fruity81 · 03/03/2024 09:08

according to the OP’s other thread she has a least one child, with ASD

Puts a different slant on the situation IMO

theduchessofspork · 03/03/2024 09:08

You’re being a killjoy and you know it

The occasional v late night shouldn’t be a problem.

If you are pissed off because you don’t get similar then sort that out.

Not liking his mate’s fiancé is neither here nor there.