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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

You're not the only mum who works full time...

988 replies

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:30

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

OP posts:
Treehuggingmutherfunkin · 02/03/2024 19:36

You both work. Get a cleaner/house keeper. It will stop these arguments and benefit you both

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:38

Treehuggingmutherfunkin · 02/03/2024 19:36

You both work. Get a cleaner/house keeper. It will stop these arguments and benefit you both

We have that. Do you think that solves all the arguments ? Absolutely not. The household stuff is constant. The cleaner just comes once a week. Doesn't do laundry. I outsource ironing of shirts already. I take as many shortcuts as possible and it's still an issue, especially during weeks where the kids are constantly home and unwell.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 02/03/2024 19:38

Why isn’t he taking time off as well to look after DC’s? If you both work full time, you to need to both do this.

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:38

Parker231 · 02/03/2024 19:38

Why isn’t he taking time off as well to look after DC’s? If you both work full time, you to need to both do this.

He can't because of his work. Hard to explain but he just can't.

OP posts:
Hercisback · 02/03/2024 19:40

How many kids do you have?

Why isn't he taking time off?

Why are you the default?

Can you work less?

Hercisback · 02/03/2024 19:40

Something has to give. If he can't take time off, can you reduce hours?

wombat15 · 02/03/2024 19:41

Other mothers may work full time but their DHs usually pull their weight too or their house will also be a mess. Get a cleaner to come at least twice a week.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 02/03/2024 19:41

Why is this all your responsibility? Its his house and family too.

TraitorsGate · 02/03/2024 19:41

Does he work 7 days a week, no time off, no holidays., no parental leave?

Lovingitallnow · 02/03/2024 19:41

8pm seems really early to go to bed. If you've under 5's then bedtime is only over at 7pm at the earliest and you're in bed by 8pm and he does nothing then it's no wonder the house is upside down. He'll have to do some things when he's home at 8.30 and you'll have to push back bedtime for an hour or so until you've a routine sorted between you. I'm sahm and dh gets home at 8.00 and he still helps tidy up after dinner or put away some clothes or whatever.

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:41

We have two kids.

I do think I may need to work less.

OP posts:
CarrotOfPeace · 02/03/2024 19:41

He can wash his clothes. You wash yours.

Parker231 · 02/03/2024 19:41

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:38

He can't because of his work. Hard to explain but he just can't.

He can - DH is a doctor - he had to cancel surgeries to look after DC’s.

Elisheva · 02/03/2024 19:42

If he lived on his own he’d have to do his own washing/cooking/cleaning regardless of the hours he worked. It’s not your job.

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:42

TraitorsGate · 02/03/2024 19:41

Does he work 7 days a week, no time off, no holidays., no parental leave?

He has the weekend off. Recently he's had two days off at the weekend.

He has holiday once a year yes.

Sorry I shouldn't have said he has no time off, that's incorrect.

OP posts:
wombat15 · 02/03/2024 19:43

Also he should be doing his own laundry.

CarrotOfPeace · 02/03/2024 19:43

Also I don't give a shit what his important job is, if you've both decided you both need to work full time then he needs to look after the kids when they are off ill too.

theduchessofspork · 02/03/2024 19:43

I’m assuming he’s the bigger earner and that justifies the hours?

Anyway - you need more help - you are FT, he is FT plus. You need a cleaner 2 to 3 times a week who also does your laundry. You need someone to fill the freezer so you don’t have to cook or just use M and S ready meals.

I’d also get an overnight carer at least once a week so you get a night or two of sleep.

You just have to chuck money at it or life will be horrible.

CarrotOfPeace · 02/03/2024 19:43

Elisheva · 02/03/2024 19:42

If he lived on his own he’d have to do his own washing/cooking/cleaning regardless of the hours he worked. It’s not your job.

Yes what would he do if you were dead?

dimllaishebiaith · 02/03/2024 19:43

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:38

He can't because of his work. Hard to explain but he just can't.

What would happen if you were admitted to hospital, or had to travel for work, or broke your leg, or god forbid died.

It always seems the whole "I can't possible take time off sick because his job is too important" only seems to apply to men somehow

Chipsahoy · 02/03/2024 19:44

Don’t reduce your hours. Makes you vulnerable and as things aren’t going so well, you need that earning power.

anchoviesanchovies · 02/03/2024 19:44

You are not being unreasonable, he is. He should understand and he shouldn’t say these things. He should also give a bit more help at weekends so you get a break. I’m assuming (possibly incorrectly) that even though he works long hours he at least gets to relax a bit when he gets home?

I know it won’t solve the arguments but is it an option to get more of a housekeeper than a cleaner once a week? So someone that comes in most days, tidies as well as cleans, maybe does a bit of cooking, does the ironing so you don’t have the admin of getting it sent out/sorting it when it comes back. Not a big job in itself but on top of everything else…

TeaKitten · 02/03/2024 19:44

Sounds like you need to have a frank discussion about this, he either accepts that house standards will slip for the next few years, or you work less.

With the laundry can you take it to a laundrette? At ours you drop it all off and pick it all up several hours later washed and dried (obviously not as cheap as washing it yourself).

hollyandivyknickers · 02/03/2024 19:44

Don’t work less. Your DH is a nob and this puts you in a risky position.

everything he complains say ‘I am doing my best, what do you suggest’.

why can’t he do four days a week ? Why oh why ?

get a cleaner in everyday?
Get a nanny?
leave your nobber of your DH ?

tothelefttotheleft · 02/03/2024 19:44

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:41

We have two kids.

I do think I may need to work less.

You'd be crazy to do this.

It would make you so vulnerable.