You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

I think you'd be better to withdraw the children from nursery and get a nanny/ housekeeper. The cost of childcare for 2, plus the cleaner will be similar. Then at least if they are sick you'll still be able to get on with work. At the moment your paying and they aren't even attending. They could still go to groups to socialise.

I also think that if your husband complains you need to ask him what he is going to do to him his perceived problem. You can't do everything. You are only one person. It's impossible to work full time, look after children all day, do all the wake ups, all the cleaning, all the cooking , all the laundry and deal with all the admin / mental load. What is he contributing? He works but working people still need to do housework and parenting.

I think you both need to take a step back and think about this.

Both working flat out and exhausted.
Arguing over the inevitable.
He's not understanding your struggles.
Work/life balance is rubbish for both of you (and subsequently your children).
Due to the above, you're at increased risk of your marriage failing and all of the negative impacts that would cause you all.

STOP. Stop repeating the cycle and have a proper talk about sustainability. What needs to happen for you to feel happy? What needs to happen for the chores to get done to a mutually acceptable standard. What needs to happen for him to stop complaining?

You can't have it all. Neither of you. It just won't work.

Some initial ideas;

• he switches roles or organisations to reduce his working hours and stress down.
• as above for you.
• one or both of you work part time.

Your kids won't be little forever. If one of you goes part time, you can return to full time within a few years with little impact.

You're living an unsustainable lifestyle and the cracks are getting bigger. If you both want your family to function and be happy, then change needs to happen.

Tell him you’ll look after two people- the kids, and he can look after two people- the grown ups.

That seems fair, though your job is bigger because they can’t do anything for themselves.

You can look after upstairs, him downstairs.

Share the cooking.

Why should she sacrifice her career just to facilitate even less effort from him!

OP your husband is outrageous.

If he's getting home at 8.30 he is doing zero parenting never mind housework.

This is totally unsustainable unless he pulls his bloody finger out.

Yes it is possible for both parents to work full time with small children as long as BOTH of you share the load.

He doesn't get to completely cop-out and then have the brass neck to complain about the mess.

Can you reduce your hours? There becomes a point where its better to prioritise life over finances. Look at areas you can consider reducing outgoings and decide if how you are all living is worth those things.

So if he hasn't worked today what parenting/chores has he done?

@SplitFountainPen why can't he reduce his hours?

He is an absolute bell end. A useless, absent father, and a useless, absent and judgmental husband. Utterly contemptible man. Tell him to fuck off, next time.

We have cleaners once a week and that doesn’t mean DH and I don’t do house work. We both work full time and children much older. But DH really pulls his weight. I completely understand why you are frustrated. We do about at least a load of laundry a day, sometimes two. DH often take them out of the dryer or the line and folds and put them away. There is no getting away from laundry even with a cleaner. Then there are stuff to tidy away before the cleaners come.

Also my DH does a lot less hours and WFH more than me.

You have my sympathy.

Your DH sounds like a bit of a dick to be honest, OP. It sounds like you’re never off duty and that’s not remotely sustainable.

I work full time with a 2 and 5 year old. I earn x2 what my husband earns in a senior and high pressure job. DH also works full time. His job is professional and at times busy and pressured but on the whole it is more flexible than mine. I also travel at least once a week on average. If I were a man, I’m sure I’d get a free pass on the childcare and housework, but as the higher earning mum, the expectation is just that you crack on and do it all.

Its hard. If DH didn’t do his fair share it would be horrific. Thankfully he is very much an equal partner. I know three other full time mums - say less than 10% of the mums I know. Can you go part time? To be blunt, it sounds like you waste a fair amount of money so one day off a week would be a much better use of your time and money. You sound really burned out- I felt similar last year and I lost my confidence, my organisation skills and I described myself as a shell. It did get better slowly, mainly once the kids slept bette.

Something has to give, you can’t have it all, either of you. You need to decide what that needs to look like. I agree a nanny/housekeeper would be a better and probably cheaper option than your current set up.

Does he eat at home during the week if he leaves at 5.30 and not home till 8,30 or can he get a carry out or heat something up. Ask cleaner to come 2 days and if they will do the ironing if he's incapable of ironing 5 shirts at the weekend. Stop expensive deliveroo, all the supermarkets do home delivery, tesco do whoosh. Does he take you all out for Sunday lunch as an occasional treat.

I would sit down with your husband and plan a rota that includes him, if he refuses, then just let the wheels fall off.

You’ve already told him you can’t cope with the work/housework balance. His needs are no more important than yours at the end of the day.

His attitude sounds archaic, I’ll bet he’s one of them that says his mummy did it all and coped just fine.

It sounds like the thing that needs to change is his job. He needs to start doing his fair share of everything!

It is not good enough for him to just abdicate all responsibility to you, you work full time too. He has the huge advantage of having you to (I assume) do nursery runs every day of your working week and sorting your dinner. He should be incredibly grateful for that kind of selfless career support, especially when it is not remotely reciprocated.

Can he take over the food shopping and meal planning? He can easily set up a weekly supermarket delivery if he does it 1 lunch break.

How far away is your DC's nursery?

He could but he doesn't because you do! If he was a single parent he wouldn't be able to say he can't.
Tell him work are sending you on a week long residential the week after next and that he is going to have to sort things at home. See what happens.
Why is his job any more important than yours?

What kind of job does he have that means he’s out from 5.30-8pm everyday and can’t take time off? Is he a travelling salesman whose main earnings are from commission?

I work in an org with thousands of people. My Executive Director who’s on ££££, even the CEO who’s on more take holidays, WFH twice a week and go home to their families at a reasonable time (albeit contactable in emergencies).

I bet he’s one of those guys who claims he’s got a ‘big job’ but they’re low level management and procrastinate loads to avoid going home to do bath and bed time. I’ve come across many of these types before. They all claim they’re super busy all day but it’s bollocks. Also no reputable org would never allow you to take annual leave. He just doesn’t want to come home.

I can't believe the posters telling OP to drop her hours or give up her job ffs. Why should she? He doesn't work weekends. If he isn't happy with the amount of housework OP has time to do then he can help do it on his days off or shut the fuck up about it!

You both need to work together as a team to address it - meal plans, both help out with the kids, both have some free no kids time, figure it out together

If you can't work together on this then what's the point in being together?

'You're not the only dad who works full time'

Next time he complains about the house, agree with him and say 'yes, it's tough when both parents are working full time and the kids are young. How much more can you do because I can't do more than I am. Any other suggestions?'

Perfect

I'd also be saying this.

"And? You're not the only dad who works full time either - what's your point?"

The women who can 'do it all' are the ones with the decent husbands.

I had this situation in my marriage. STBX regularly complained about "the mess". I did all the cleaning, all the cooking, covered all tbe DC sick days. STBX couldn't do any of this because job was so intense and stressful (we both do the same job). After she left me for someone else and decided she wanted 50/50 shared care, suddenly magically she became able to pull her weight with DC and I gather she now does all the cooking etc.

Don't stand for it. You are not a domestic skivvy.

Yup.