You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

I won't be stuck with him because of finances, even if I don't have a job for a while.

I have financial security elsewhere.

Normally, it would be better if they end it as they would need to compensate you but it's contract work, that might not be the case. It's done and you feel good, so that's the positive. You now have time to see how you like being a SAHM and how your DH likes not having double income. It could well be a good way to find out what each of you think of how to work this family going forward and perhaps a compromise can be reached.

Other people did it all the time too. Senior VPs. But in my case, they held it against me because I wasn't ' performing '.

No one was performing by the way.

They've let 2 people go over the last 3 weeks. From a team of 4.. for not performing.

I'm the 3rd ( they would have let me go ) and the 4th is going to leave too. Already working on exit strategy. They're only keeping ' cheaper ' employees for now and getting rid of everyone else.

It's a case of the generals firing the soldiers, when there are bigger issues if all the soldiers can't do their jobs properly.

It was just a mess. I had to leave, even if it wasn't for anything going on at home, it was a shit show.

Yeah, it absolutely sounds like a shitshow!

The place I left, they sacked pretty much everyone two months later.

Your H has made sure you only have your Mum, and now you have quit your job so there is no-one who checks in on you regularly, and you don't talk to other adults regularly. I totally understand your reasons for leaving, but I think this isolation you're risking could be quite bad for your mental health. Is there anyone you knew from before you had kids that you could make regular conatct with?

Does this man have any redeeming features that we're just not hearing about? From you descriptions I would say 100% LTB. But this doesn't seem to be an avenue that you are even considering, why is that?

Come to think of it, I do have one friend I speak to sometimes and I can be pretty honest with her.

I haven't spoken to her in a while. But I know I can, anytime.

She's going through a divorce right now. And even so, we have had some conversations and she said she was worried about me.

I don't want to overburden her right now. She was reaching out a lot at the beginning of her divorce and I was being supportive etc.

I've known her for many years.

Aside from that, they're all fair weather friends who don't want to know about negative stuff so I wouldn't bring it up.

I go to a big gym regularly with tennis etc and I do chat with people there. It's very social, so at least I have that. But I don't have friends there. Just people I chat to.

Well done for taking action. I hope things start to feel easier. First job is take some time for you. A long bath may be?

Also, you quit your job because your husband isn’t an equal
partner and sees you as somehow lesser and your job as somehow lesser. He doesn’t see it as his job to take time off to look after the children when they are unwell because he has a wife for that.

Try to really keep in mind that looking after children, running a house and keeping family life ticking over all involve lots of time, energy and thought. They ARE work. Unpaid and invisible but work. They have never been valued and well paid because women were never valued and did it all for free. By you doing these jobs he is able to have children that are well cared for, wear clothes that are clean and eat home cooked food. All of this means he can the earn the money that pays for the house that is kept clean. Without you he would need to have the children 50% of the time or pay for the care, he’d need to do his own domestic chores, cooking etc or pay for that.

Your career will now slow down and that’s a Personal sacrifice you are making for the family. What personal sacrifices does he make?

Read Fair Play be Eve Rodesky. Or listen to it. It really helped me to see all the invisible, unpaid work I was doing just because I was the woman and had been socialised that way and why I was exhausted.

Good luck. Remember that you matter too.

Are you sure I was your job that was the problem OP.? You’ve only started complaining about it since you quit.

Will this husband who thinks you should be full time childcare/house worker not have something to say about your planned me time? Or is the plan that you actually do all the child care/house work now just to shut him up?

Sorry what? Do you think I made all that stuff up about my job ?

Just because I didn't share it previously, doesn't mean it's not true.

Please ensure that when your H complains about you not earning or wanting to use your other income to pay into the pot as you aren't have some grey rock phrases.

I am working full time running the house, looking after the DC and trying to get well. I will return to work when I am much better, it's the right job and we employ a housekeeper.

I would also keep notes of all that you do do and do not let yourself be the weekend skivvy. If you are looking after the DC whilst he pisses of doing what he wants including work aka opting out you get the equivalent time during the week.

He is likely deeply misogynistic and the truth is he sees the house, the DC and funding them as all your job and guess what you should be out earning too.

The only problem here is your husband. You and he both work full time, so he should be doing 50% of the childcare and housework. Instead he's letting (expecting) you to do 100% of it. How does he justify that?

Perhaps the split should be 60:40 if he works longer hours. Perhaps he could also justify 60-40 if he contributes more to the bills (it doesn't sound like he does). But what he's actually giving you are scraps (e.g. he'll do his own washing... wow!). He's set the bar at 0%, and now ANYTHING above that he sees as doing you a favour.

This man needs a reality check, and to spend a couple of months doing a strict 50-50 split of everything to reset the bar.

Of course he should do his own washing - it's his washing! He should also be doing half the shopping and half the cooking (if he's not back in time, he can set a slow cooker going in the morning), half of the admin (he criticises how you set up insurance... so he can do it from now on), and organise half of the trades people. He can absolutely clear the table after a meal and put the kids to bed etc. Weekends should be an easy 50-50 split of everything.

I do agree with @RandomMess too really
Important to put better help in place And not just cut back as you aren’t earning.

you need to think of this as you being off sick and needing to recover rather than out of work.

i found it really, really difficult to make and keep good friends when I was working full time - most mums work part time where I live and want to meet up in the week mostly. Hence weekday Mumsnet habit!

and even if it’s weekends, they get booked
up. I have an old friend who was a single mum who was the only one available on weekends and now we both work full time we mostly message.

your next issue will be that your kids activities command your weekend etc schedule if you don’t carve out time.

No I’m not saying it isn’t true I’m asking if it really was your job that was stressing you and not your husband.

From what you’ve said of him so far I don’t see any reason why he will stop complaining and whining on just because you’re no longer working though he may behave himself for a bit if he thinks he’s on thin ice.

I'm definitely keeping the cleaner and ironing service.

My oldest will continue preschool 5 days a week until 3:30 pm and my youngest will be going to nursery 3 days a week.

I'm not about to completely burn myself out running the household with absolutely no support either. He can pay for it.

It's indeed a time for me to recover. Not a time for me to burn myself out doing household stuff and 100 percent child care alone !

@Daylightsavingscrime you're right. I don't think he'll stop complaining. He stops for a while and then gets back on it.

It will probably get worse too, as expectations will
Go up and I'll no longer have an 'excuse '.

But that doesn't mean I didn't need to leave my job. It was absolutely shit too. Both things are not good.

I've taken one stressor away, because I absolutely had to. Let's see how things progress now. If I spend my entire weekends upset and fighting and feeling like crap, it will become even clearer.

That all sounds good re childcare and cleaning etc.

I’m possibly the only one who thinks that your dh can change - he’s very successful at work, I presume he takes on feedback there. The issue is whether he wants to see that he’s made a complete mess of his home life and change or not.

I understand why you did it, but I can't help but feel incredibly worried for you. Not only are you now stuck in a house you don't feel OK in but you're now also financially trapped as you're dependent on your problem. Best of luck OP.

I'm not financially trapped. I never will be.

Well done - I think you're amazing!

You haven't been failing at all - please don't describe yourself like that. It's your husband who has been failing to be a decent human being and support you with love, care and attention. I can only wonder how many other people could have juggled what you've been dealing with as well as you have. None of it has been done as well as you'd like (or are capable of in other circumstances) but that's not failing because the tasks would have been impossible to achieve for anyone who'd been ground down by a verbally abusive and neglectful husband.

I hope you can begin to repair your physical and mental health now by making that a priority and giving yourself plenty of time to relax and recover. 💐

I would be inclined to agree. @doyoulikeflowers only you know if you actually feel unsafe with him.

Are you happy to share what type of work your H does (without being too identifying)?

Is he possibly also highly stressed? That is not necessarily an excuse but could be reason for the dynamics in your home at the moment rather than him being inherently abusive?

He is stressed, not coping and doesn’t see you at all. Instead feels like home is just adding to his stress levels and he is not able to see your perspective and how his inability to cope is actually making things worse?

It’s like my toddler not doing what I need them to do. When in a rush and the other baby is crying I loose it and shout and it just makes the situation worse and doesn’t go anywhere. When I have more time I deploy other strategies, it takes more time and more effort on my side but ultimately we have a better outcome. But sometimes I find it impossible not to blow my top off as am too overwhelmed myself.

As @Ledl54 said sounds like he is a successful man and will be able to change. The question is do you think he is inherently abusive or is it more question of stress and not being able to cope himself.

I just don't know if he can.

He thinks I've been giving him a really hard time.

I just don't understand how he thinks that.

I come here and tell my side of the story completely honestly and everyone thinks he's giving me a hard time, but somehow he thinks I'm giving him a really hard time ?

I pressed on a couple of things over the weekend. I asked him if he can't see how much my job is destroying me and how come he never piped up and said ' honey I don't like this. You're really really suffering. I don't want to see you like this. Leave that job and find a new one. Take some time to find the right one. I don't want you to be breaking down like this all the time. And once you have the new job, let's get a housekeeper, as I am away so much. I don't care how much it costs. I can't bear to see you like this anymore. You're suffering, it's not good for the kids. I'm here for you. '.

I asked him, why is it so hard for you to say that ? Why is it OK for you to watch me deteriorate like this ? How far do I need to fall for you to say those things to me ? To put a stop to it and support me?

He was like : ' I'm pragmatic and I'm only thinking of the bottom line. The bottom line is that it's better for you to keep your job. '

I said : at the cost of what ? It's killing me etc.

He says he is on board with it and he knows they were going to end it anyway so I don't have a choice anyway. He said well hopefully it will be better for the kids to have you be around more etc and more happy. It's going to be ok.

In the end when he realised they were going to end it anyway, he encouraged it. But I just wish he took action sooner. It's the same when I had PND. He just didn't do anything. He could have said : ok I have the money, I know I can't be there physically but let's get a nanny to give you a break etc. nothing. Just let me complain and cry etc and then said how it was getting him down and he didn't feel supported at home etc.

I really don't know if he's inherently abusive.

He really struggles himself. I don't want to share what he does but it's highly stressful and he doesn't actually enjoy it at all. He's not happy at all. I am pretty sure he's depressed, deeply in fact but he refuses to get help.

It's like the whole world is on his shoulders. He's never really smiley and happy. He's just grumpy and down in the dumps. No get up and go. Just exhausted, all the time .