You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

All I can say is dh and I have had v similar conversations and I felt he was not in a mental space where he could validate me, he expected to be appreciated and not given problems (I know!). When I stopped listening and did what was best, he got a lot happier and more able to say actually that worked, I’m glad you did that.

it took a while for me to let go of the resentment I had to him during those early years.

I do think two people trying to manage small
kids with no family help, inadequate help and full time busy jobs is going to produce some pretty difficult results for a relationship.

Congratulations, it sounds that you did what was necessary for your health.

While leaving job isn't a typical "happy path" in troublesome relationships, it sounds logical in your case.
This isn't a case of physical danger, so you can decide.
I can even imagine using beginning of your next job as an opportunity to restart the family setup and see how it goes.
Get some rest now, you deserve it.

I think that will most likely be the crux of it. Hard. Your whole family’s situation sounds very hard. Two highly stressed people and no-one there to support.

That feeling when you just surviving and you yourself know you would like to do things differently but just don’t have anything left - you as both of the people.

You started taking steps. Only you know what will in the end work for you. Perhaps focus on what you can control and see where it takes you. Accept that definitely at least in the short term you will not get any support from H. Sounds like he feels the same, that he is not getting support from you. Both of you are struggling.

As @Ledl54 said just do. Do what you think is best for you, announce to H, don’t ask for validation. See where you are after some time….

Also, I think MN can sometimes be unhelpful. You did say your side of the story and people agreed H is shit but lot of people here have their own agendas and experiences and will just push for LTB and if you don’t soon will start telling you I told you so.

You might still leave him, want to leave him, need to leave him but it doesn’t sound like the reason he is the way he is is because he is an abuser as many people here are saying.

He might be currently feeling like the highly stressed very senior executive who wants his team to just do and not come to him with any problems, only solutions.

Rightly or wrongly. It’s up to you to see where you as a family will
manage to get to now you started taking steps.

Do start a new thread so we will see when you come back to tell us you have left.
Best wishes
💐🌻🌷

Wtf is he bringing to your life? Seriously think about leaving.. hes a total dick

Oh dear that’s a bit naive. He can stop being a misogynistic dick because he’s clever and has a good job 😬
Still it sounds like OP is on the ball. I’m sure she can make the best decision for herself.

@doyoulikeflowers

"I don't want to overburden her right now. She was reaching out a lot at the beginning of her divorce and I was being supportive etc."

Contact your friend Flowers - you will not be overburdening her. She perhaps sees things in your situation that you could/can not. At the very least she will have some advice about separating and who you could potentially see for advice. There's something to be said about shared experience and support and it may be helpful to talk to someone else other than your mum. So please do contact her even if it's to offer support & a listening ear.

Your thread is nearly full. You've had plenty of support and advice here. If you need it to continue then make a second thread. If you choose not to then at least keep reading this one to remind yourself why you came here in the first place. You can always do a second thread later if you don't need it now. I'm sending you a big hug and wish you strength.
Oh.. and get a copy of Why Does He do That? by Lundy Bancroft if you haven't already done - it's invaluable and an eye opener.

I rest my case.

I don’t have any more of an “agenda” than you. I honestly think this man is probably just an entitled dick 🤷‍♀️

He thinks I've been giving him a really hard time.

I just don't understand how he thinks that.

Because he's internalised that all the housework and childcare is your job, and he's not responsible for it.

It sounds to me based on your recent updates like both you and your DH are burnt out. When you end up like that it's hard to empathise with others so maybe that's what's happening for him too. Does he complain about his job? Is there scope for him to change job? His focus on the money and what success looks like feels like he (and by extension you) is on a treadmill and despite the hardships it us causing he is unwilling to get off it or change something. Has he had any life coaching? Perhaps that could help him to see his own limitations and how his focus on just moving forward no matter what is harming you all. Ultimately if he is unwilling to address that situation then you may find you have no choice but to leave, but in the meantime whilst you're restoring yourself perhaps worth trying to signpost him in the right direction too before you come to a difficult decision point.

I think you’ve done the right thing. You need to be able to take a break.
At that level, the career will wait while you get yourself back on your feet. Gaps are normal at that level of job in my opinion.