You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

YANBU. I was a SAHP with 2 under the age of 5 and my house looked like a bomb had gone off most of the time. If DH had come in after work and complained I think I would have wanted to hit him. It’s totally unfair that you cover all the time when the kids are sick. I went back to work when our youngest went to school and we share all the leave for sick kids. Otherwise I wouldn’t last 5 minutes in my job.

Given the point of your thread, I’d hit back with most parents share the sick leave. In honesty I wouldn’t lower your hours OP. Surely you’d just end up feeling even more resentful? I’m not sure what the answer is. If you keep “reminding” him of everything you do, you’re just going to end up feeling like a nag. Maybe instead of reminding him all the time you could try leaving him with the kids at the weekend a bit more so he understands it isn’t all Mary Poppins, tidying with a smile and a song.

My DH earns double my wage (though we're both high earners) yet we split childcare sick days equally. Your DHs job should not take precedent. A woman I worked with lost out on a promotion recently because she is ALWAYS off when her kids are sick, her DH does nothing. Regardless of who earns what, a man's job is not more important than a woman's. You need to split childcare sick days equally. It's entirely sexist and unfair to do otherwise

I a pig sick of seeing women claim their husbands can't take time off work for their oh so important jobs and yet I have never met a women claim the same even when they work in the same industry.

No his job is not more important and it is not impossible for him to be off... he has just
Told you that to keep you in line and him out of having to take responsibility for your children when they might be difficult to look after.

My husband has always found it easier to get time off than me, he has never been huffed and puffed at because he "needs to sort his child care out" it is always assumed that if he is having to do it, it must be a dire emergency!
Next time he has a moan about whatever it is That isn't done don't take it personally, just say okay I will do this and you can do whatever it is that he has just moaned about. If he then moans it's not his job, point out he's it the only person to have a long commute and works full time.

If you let them away with it they will keep pushing until one day you have enough and leave. Then they act all shocked.

If you both work full time you need to either outsource the housework/childcare or divide it equally. He's expecting you to basically do two jobs. That's why you're exhausted

Leaving him with them alone sometimes is the best lesson and getting him to do his own laundry. If anyone should reduce hours if he is the higher earner he probably is paying high tax on the last bit of his earnings.

Ask him to spy for a cleaner to give you some help. Similar situation here but we have a cleaner and it part time (but with DC at home still).

My husband works too much and doesn't have the time to help either but he doesn't expect me to do it all and you work full time. That's unfair

He's a dick. Stop sorting his stuff. Next time he complains say "hmmmm", if he raises it again "yes you've mentioned it. What are you planning to do about it?"

Honestly I'm a bit concerned as from your posts it sounds like your self esteem is being affected by this. It's not all your responsibility. It should be shared. Stop taking responsibility for everything.

If you're planning to cut back on work, tell your husband he would need to pay you the number of days equivalent for loss of earnings. That way you get to keep on top of the chores and keep the money. You might need that money for pension or run away fund.

I also hope you're not paying 50/50 after birthing two kids and doing all the childcare and house work xx

I don’t know any families where both parents work ft/ft+, have small kids and one parent doesn’t share the load. Absolutely none. No wonder you’re exhausted.

If he wants you to do all of the chores, and you’re married and happy to have that split of labour and the hit on your career then give up work/cut back significantly. I would be dubious though, because I suspect he’d never stop criticising in any event and he’d expect even more. He has to change his attitude whatever you do.

tbh he’s very lucky you’ve coped all on your own with sick kids.

I dont get how some cant clean up or keep a clean home just because they have kids.
I raised 2 as a single mum 17 months apart and still had a clean home.
Maybe its to much clutter have a good sort out together less is more and less to keep on top with.

Already easier there as you don't have another adult to tidy up after.
On top of that you were presumably working out of the house so someone else was doing the day childcare? Very different to working from home and the mess that comes with the children being barely supervised during that.
Or if you were a sahm or part time obviously you had that time to tidy.

Who's shirts do you sort the ironing for? Can he not wash and iron his own shirts? If he was single he would still have to look after himself with his time off. Weekend tasks should absolutely be split. In fact he should have a whole day of looking after them at the weekend and you can come home and see how clean the house is.

why cant he do anyting at the weekend-has he ever lived alone wat did e do ten live in flilt

Why is his job more important than yours? Because he’s a man? Why is it always fucking women who are having to juggle everything. Why can’t he stop complaining and start helping or looking for ways to improve instead of constantly moaning. I’m afraid you have, in the immortal worlds if many a MN thread, a DH problem. My DH earns 3/4 times as much as I do but still makes sure he does his fair share of cooking, tidying and childcare. Beggars belief that some men are berating their wives/partners for not doing enough.

I like "stabfatfa"... From hence forth, this is now what I shall call them 😁😁

So, the only thing he brings to the family is money? He doesn't participate at home during the week at all? Is he active around the house and children during the weekends?

I don't like the "he can't because of his work" - if you get overtired and end up in hospital, what would he do?

Partnership is about equal access to rare resources. In your family it is sleep, time for yourself and time to actually do your job. What does he suggest to make the setup fair?

If you drop hours, is it clear that your personal money and pension fund aren't the place to cut back on?

What a knob end.

You have a DH problem but you could get more help, cleaners every day, ones that do laundry for example, if budget allows, or at least twice a week, and just get them doing more stuff. We had daily help when my LO was 0-12 months as my OH made clear after 2 week’s paternity he wouldn’t be able to do much household stuff and I plan on doing again after 2nd baby born.

I work full time. Let me list what my husband does so that he pulls his weight. He wakes up early to wash the pots and heads off to work by about 6am.
he leaves work a bit early to collect the 3 dc from school and childcare. Takes the eldest to piano lesson at 7pm one night, and footy training ar 5:30 pm another night. Does dinner, bath and bed. Saturday morning I was asleep while he was going the meal plan, then he took one for a haircut and went to the shops. Did 2 loads of washing. Sent me off to look at a house and have a coffee. He looked up some recipes and cooked a delicious Mediterranean fish meal. Did half of bedtime. He tidies eith me Thursday evening before the cleaner. Most importantly, I work at home several days a week and he doesn’t. But he does alternate days home with me for poorly children. He books the afterschool care sessions.
working full time with dc is hard, it’s just about impossibly with a husband like yours and I’d be raging mad. OTHER WOMEN DO IT BY HAVING A HUSBAND WHO SHARES THE LOAD, INSTEAD I GET YOU. YOU’RE COOKING DINNER TONIGHT, IM DOIGN NO CLEANING THIS WEEK SO LETS SEE HOW MUCH YOU CAN MANAGE SINCE YOU THINK YOURE SUCH A CAPABLE ADULT, NEXT TIME A CHILD WAKES AT NIGHT YOU ARE GETTIGN UP TO THEM IF I HAVE TO STAB YOU AND NEXT TIME A CHILD IS SICK YOU ARE STAYING HOME. IF YOU WONT PARENT YOUR DC AND LOOK AFTER THEIR HOME THEN YOU CANT LOVE THEM. and frankly I won’t love you. Mums are human beings you fucker.

I outsource ironing of shirts already.

Stop doing his laundry, stop outsourcing his shirts, let him sort out his own life. You are not his skivvy.

It’s clearly not enough then. You need a cleaner who comes at least twice a week and does laundry. Or ideally a housekeeper, who will replace your cleaner and do at least twice the hours they were working and is paid the going housekeeper rate. You obviously need to outsource more than you are currently. For perspective, I work only part time but do all childcare and house related jobs and have a twice weekly cleaner who does laundry and beds

He's not the only dad who works full time and if he can't keep up with his share of the child care and house work he needs to change his job/ go part-time.

This I don't understand why people have children and expect to carry on working long days and then seem surprised at how tiring it all is. Then people say don't reduce your hours you will be vulnerable. What about the poor kids stuck in nursery all week then coming home to tired stressed parents.

This

Why is he away so much? Is he choosing to be away and not spending time with you all?

Stop trying to work with sick kids - you are risking your job surely?

You have a major DH issue