Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

You're not the only mum who works full time...

988 replies

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:30

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

OP posts:
GlitteryEars · 02/03/2024 19:45

Keep complaining to him about him not doing his fair share of the house work.

Can you write up a list of all the household tasks and explain to him that you can't possibly fit them all into your schedule and delegate a chunk of them to him.

CarrotOfPeace · 02/03/2024 19:45

theduchessofspork · 02/03/2024 19:43

I’m assuming he’s the bigger earner and that justifies the hours?

Anyway - you need more help - you are FT, he is FT plus. You need a cleaner 2 to 3 times a week who also does your laundry. You need someone to fill the freezer so you don’t have to cook or just use M and S ready meals.

I’d also get an overnight carer at least once a week so you get a night or two of sleep.

You just have to chuck money at it or life will be horrible.

No you don't. Loads of couples both work full time and don't have the money to throw at it. It needs a fair division of household chores and an acceptance that right now your house might not be spotless. Plus an emergancy pack of pants/shirt

Sweetheart7 · 02/03/2024 19:45

How old are your kids OP? Can you give part time in your job role? Is your DH earning good money? They are very long hours is this going to be permanent?

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 02/03/2024 19:46

He doesn't respect your job because you're working from home. He's expecting you to do it all because you're at home which is a really shitty attitude to have. Surely you can BOTH do housework at the weekend or one of you take the kids out so the other can do a good clean

Lovingitallnow · 02/03/2024 19:46

Also, my dh is talking about working more hours- he's currently out of the house 8am -8pm, but does work from home 2 days a week. We discussed it and the consensus is what's the point if it just makes the hotel we see him in for two weeks of the year nicer. It would be different if it's about making ends meet but if it's to improve quality of life then I think I can live without private schools or driving a newer car if it means he can do the odd school run and bedtime and actually help raise the children he helped create.

Treehuggingmutherfunkin · 02/03/2024 19:46

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:38

We have that. Do you think that solves all the arguments ? Absolutely not. The household stuff is constant. The cleaner just comes once a week. Doesn't do laundry. I outsource ironing of shirts already. I take as many shortcuts as possible and it's still an issue, especially during weeks where the kids are constantly home and unwell.

Get her twice a week then
I don't get what exactly you want your partner to do? Quit and live on benefits go ahead then

IncompleteSenten · 02/03/2024 19:46

Can the household afford the cleaner to come more than once a week? One clean a week really isn't enough.

That said, your husband's out of order for having a go at you. Tell him to wind his neck in. You do as much as you can and don't appreciate being scolded like a child.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 02/03/2024 19:47

Sweetheart7 · 02/03/2024 19:45

How old are your kids OP? Can you give part time in your job role? Is your DH earning good money? They are very long hours is this going to be permanent?

Why should she go part time? So she can be the good little housewife he wants?! Fuck that

TeaKitten · 02/03/2024 19:47

Treehuggingmutherfunkin · 02/03/2024 19:46

Get her twice a week then
I don't get what exactly you want your partner to do? Quit and live on benefits go ahead then

She wants him to not Give her a hard time about house work not being complete. Your reply is shitty and rude.

CarrotOfPeace · 02/03/2024 19:47

If his job is incompatible with having children he needs a new job

CarrotOfPeace · 02/03/2024 19:48

IncompleteSenten · 02/03/2024 19:46

Can the household afford the cleaner to come more than once a week? One clean a week really isn't enough.

That said, your husband's out of order for having a go at you. Tell him to wind his neck in. You do as much as you can and don't appreciate being scolded like a child.

One clean a week is enough jeez

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:49

I'm already throwing money at it. A lot.

Cleaner 400 a week. Shirt ironing, at least 200 a month.

Ordering last minute food shop deliveries via Deliveroo - 700-800 a month.

Food shopping bits and bobs as I go- 400 a month. Rather than doing a big shop. I'm disorganised. Everything last minute.

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 02/03/2024 19:49

CarrotOfPeace · 02/03/2024 19:45

No you don't. Loads of couples both work full time and don't have the money to throw at it. It needs a fair division of household chores and an acceptance that right now your house might not be spotless. Plus an emergancy pack of pants/shirt

Life is much less stressful if you do, and I’m guessing the OP’s husband earns a lot and that’s why she accepts his hours.

wombat15 · 02/03/2024 19:49

TeaKitten · 02/03/2024 19:44

Sounds like you need to have a frank discussion about this, he either accepts that house standards will slip for the next few years, or you work less.

With the laundry can you take it to a laundrette? At ours you drop it all off and pick it all up several hours later washed and dried (obviously not as cheap as washing it yourself).

OP would be mad to work less. He should be doing his own laundry and at least some housework as he would if he was single.

Alwaystransforming · 02/03/2024 19:50

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:38

He can't because of his work. Hard to explain but he just can't.

There’s very few jobs where he absolutely can’t take any time off. And I bet if you named his job there would be women in the same or similar roles that can mange to take off.

He is being a shit. Yes you’re not the only mum that works. And tbh, you already have plenty of help, but it’s been a shitty few weeks for you. He needs to find a way to also step up and do more so you both get through it.

TeaKitten · 02/03/2024 19:50

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:49

I'm already throwing money at it. A lot.

Cleaner 400 a week. Shirt ironing, at least 200 a month.

Ordering last minute food shop deliveries via Deliveroo - 700-800 a month.

Food shopping bits and bobs as I go- 400 a month. Rather than doing a big shop. I'm disorganised. Everything last minute.

If you can do your food shopping on deliveroo you can do it on asdas website or whatever and get your big shop that way. I’m just going to assume £400 a week for a cleaner is a typo

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:51

@Treehuggingmutherfunkin I would like him to stop complaining and just get on with it. I'm doing my best. He's only happy when I'm constantly cleaning.

OP posts:
Alwaystransforming · 02/03/2024 19:51

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:49

I'm already throwing money at it. A lot.

Cleaner 400 a week. Shirt ironing, at least 200 a month.

Ordering last minute food shop deliveries via Deliveroo - 700-800 a month.

Food shopping bits and bobs as I go- 400 a month. Rather than doing a big shop. I'm disorganised. Everything last minute.

Cleaner is £400 a week?

theduchessofspork · 02/03/2024 19:51

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:49

I'm already throwing money at it. A lot.

Cleaner 400 a week. Shirt ironing, at least 200 a month.

Ordering last minute food shop deliveries via Deliveroo - 700-800 a month.

Food shopping bits and bobs as I go- 400 a month. Rather than doing a big shop. I'm disorganised. Everything last minute.

Your cleaner is 400 a week or 400 a month? Anyway get them in twice a week and get them to do laundry.

You can get Mr important to do the food orders perhaps? Meal plan based on m and s?

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:51

Yes typo. 400 a month for a cleaner.

OP posts:
SecondHandFurniture · 02/03/2024 19:52

He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

Well then he either accepts things are going to be chaotic at home with the other parent working full time or he changes job. He decided to have kids while out of the house 15 hours a day.

Sunnydays0101 · 02/03/2024 19:52

Stop sorting your DH’s clothes. Surely he can take care of his own laundry and it eliminates him hassling you about it.

TeaKitten · 02/03/2024 19:52

wombat15 · 02/03/2024 19:49

OP would be mad to work less. He should be doing his own laundry and at least some housework as he would if he was single.

Obviously he should but he’s not going to and OP isn’t going to make him. Hence more realistic suggestions. Everyone giving her a hard time for her husband not taking time off with the kids isn’t helping either.

Alwaystransforming · 02/03/2024 19:53

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:51

Yes typo. 400 a month for a cleaner.

Thank god for that. For £400 a week I would expect to never do any cleaning 😂

hollyandivyknickers · 02/03/2024 19:53

@doyoulikeflowers

grey rock

so your DH likes to complain to you about things you can’t change.

how about replying ‘what do you get out of complaining and not helping’

or ‘why are you such a nob?’

Or stop doing all his laundry etc