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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

You're not the only mum who works full time...

988 replies

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:30

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

OP posts:
Whattodowithit88 · 02/03/2024 19:53

Maybe you should start waking in complaint how messy they house is!

Funny when he says it that’s not him nagging?!? But when you reply that’s nagging.

Is his job more important than the wellbeing of his wife and the kids? Maybe he should have had a family then if he has no time to support others. If he lived alone he would still have to cook, clean and do laundry though. Funny that.

CarrotOfPeace · 02/03/2024 19:53

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:49

I'm already throwing money at it. A lot.

Cleaner 400 a week. Shirt ironing, at least 200 a month.

Ordering last minute food shop deliveries via Deliveroo - 700-800 a month.

Food shopping bits and bobs as I go- 400 a month. Rather than doing a big shop. I'm disorganised. Everything last minute.

Stop with the deliveroo that's crazy.

theduchessofspork · 02/03/2024 19:54

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:51

Yes typo. 400 a month for a cleaner.

Well then get them in twice a week and get them to do the laundry and ironing - it would be cheaper than sending shirts out so you’ll gain a bit there.

Write a meal plan with Mr VIP and him to do that order.

Woodyandbuzz1 · 02/03/2024 19:54

Treehuggingmutherfunkin · 02/03/2024 19:46

Get her twice a week then
I don't get what exactly you want your partner to do? Quit and live on benefits go ahead then

Do some of the house work in the evenings and weekends like op has too??

Takes 5 mins to stick a load of laundry on

Takes 5-10 mins to do the dishes

Takes a few mins to clear the toys away etc..

There's zero excuse why he can't be doing things after work and on his days off. Just like op has to.

CissOff · 02/03/2024 19:54

Is it worth you employing a nanny/housekeeper rather than sending the DC to FT nursery? It would probably work out about the same but you may find somebody happy to cook the family a meal a few times a week and iron the shirts (which seems a ridiculous amount pcm by the way!)

Tatonka · 02/03/2024 19:54

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:38

We have that. Do you think that solves all the arguments ? Absolutely not. The household stuff is constant. The cleaner just comes once a week. Doesn't do laundry. I outsource ironing of shirts already. I take as many shortcuts as possible and it's still an issue, especially during weeks where the kids are constantly home and unwell.

OK this is nuts. Lower yoir stabfatfa or hire more help

Sunnydays0101 · 02/03/2024 19:55

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:51

@Treehuggingmutherfunkin I would like him to stop complaining and just get on with it. I'm doing my best. He's only happy when I'm constantly cleaning.

And if you’re cleaning at the weekend - is he doing the same ?

Tatonka · 02/03/2024 19:55

Tatonka · 02/03/2024 19:54

OK this is nuts. Lower yoir stabfatfa or hire more help

Woops! Lower your standards I meant to say!

Aria999 · 02/03/2024 19:55

I'm not clear why he thinks it's your job to clean any more than his. You work full time.

Why doesn't he clean at the weekends if it bothers him that much?

I fear he thinks it's women's work. The comment about other 'mums' in particular working full time is kind of telling.

FabFebHalfTerm · 02/03/2024 19:55

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:49

I'm already throwing money at it. A lot.

Cleaner 400 a week. Shirt ironing, at least 200 a month.

Ordering last minute food shop deliveries via Deliveroo - 700-800 a month.

Food shopping bits and bobs as I go- 400 a month. Rather than doing a big shop. I'm disorganised. Everything last minute.

@doyoulikeflowers I presume cleaner 400 a week is a typo or you live somewhere with a low value currency.

ask him why it's your responsibility?

yep agree with him you are not the only mum who works, but tell him you're the only one whose DH doesn't contribute & expects to live in a show home with 2 small children.

he's being a twat & needs to be told!!

Wildhorses2244 · 02/03/2024 19:56

Stop washing his clothes, use the time to do one housekeeping thing a week which is important to you.

Stop cooking his dinner, eat yours with the kids. Use the extra time to do something that you enjoy.

Stop sorting the ironing. You work from home so you don’t need ironed shirts - just buy tops that look ok unironed on zoom. Use the spare time to do a weekly food delivery to make your life easier.

Every time he comments on the house ask him whether he is going to sort it or take the kids out while you sort it.

Strictlymad · 02/03/2024 19:56

Running a home and looking after under fives is a full time job, you have 2 full time jobs! You can’t do both, tbh looking at the hundreds you are spending a month why not reduce your hours by that amount, do more organised food shopping, own cleaning and ironing. You won’t be worse off and will be a lot less stressed!

dimllaishebiaith · 02/03/2024 19:57

doyoulikeflowers · 02/03/2024 19:51

@Treehuggingmutherfunkin I would like him to stop complaining and just get on with it. I'm doing my best. He's only happy when I'm constantly cleaning.

He appears to have mistaken you for a household appliance instead of a person

How incredibly unattractive he sounds

freezefade · 02/03/2024 19:59

Caring for his own kids, washing his own clothes, cleaning his own house are all his responsibilities. None of those are things he "helps" you with, you're not employed as his housekeeper.

He sounds misogynistic and lazy at best, abusive at worst.

Do you want to stay with someone who treats you this way?

OnLockdown · 02/03/2024 20:00

What does he do around the house at the weekend? Our house goes a bit to shit during the week but then we get on top of it at the weekend so it never truly gets out of hand.

Neither of us blame the other for the mess and we both pitch in.

Donutofdoooooom · 02/03/2024 20:00

Check out the FB page 'bridging the gap', lots of good suggestions and strategies such as Fair Play - a set of cards with all the mental and household load, you each divide it into piles of what you think you contribute and a good way to physically see the difference.

I agree with other PP that he'd have to be doing more as a single man, before you even factor in being a dad with shared custody. Perhaps point that out to him, that even working full time he'd have to sort his own food and laundry etc?

MrsElsa · 02/03/2024 20:00

dimllaishebiaith · 02/03/2024 19:57

He appears to have mistaken you for a household appliance instead of a person

How incredibly unattractive he sounds

Exactly.

What the heck did I read here. Work less? That would just lend weight to his ridiculous demands. I wouldn't be dignifying him with a response regarding wanting his clothes washed!!

Dacadactyl · 02/03/2024 20:00

Do you enjoy your work?

Can you afford to SAH for a while?

I'd be thinking about jacking my job if I were you.

freezefade · 02/03/2024 20:01

Why is it called "nagging" when you defend yourself but not called nagging when he constantly picks at you?

Misogyny.

freezefade · 02/03/2024 20:01

Dacadactyl · 02/03/2024 20:00

Do you enjoy your work?

Can you afford to SAH for a while?

I'd be thinking about jacking my job if I were you.

I'd be thinking about binning my husband if I were op, not making myself even more vulnerable to his controlling tendencies.

Blahblah34 · 02/03/2024 20:02

I actually don’t think that many mums work full time in demanding jobs with 2 under 5 year olds and absolutely no help from their husbands in oh so very important jobs.

Blahblah34 · 02/03/2024 20:04

And he can do his own bloody laundry. What would he be doing if he was single? He’d manage to wash his own pants then

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 02/03/2024 20:07

Something's got to give, either standards, your work, his, or your marriage. Or, if he really works 0530 - 0830 then his heart 😯 surely that isn't sustainable.

Shortpoet · 02/03/2024 20:09

Every time he complains say he sounds like a nag.

Don’t try to justify yourself. Just tell him he’s being a nag.

He uses it to shut you down. Serve it right back at him.

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