You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

This is what it is like being a modern woman, we cant win. We work full time and still usually end up with the lions share of life admin. All the jobs that house wives used to do in the 50s still need doing but on top of a 40 hour week. On top of that we barely see our kids, are exhausted, burnt out, resentful, and weekends are spent on housework and ferrying kids to clubs. No wonder we are all struggling I want to be a femanist, I want to say that we can have it all but something has to give. Either massively lower expectations, get a lot of help in if you can afford it, or one or both of you work less. I would only work less if I was in a very stable happy married relationship that was mutually respectful, with a job that extra hours could be picked up if needed. I know I sound doom and gloom but I think a lot of women have been sold a lie. We cant have it all without losing something else

If he isn’t willing to pull his weight and assuming he is a high earner (given VIP status and hours worked) you need to spend money to lighten your load - pay for a nanny and a housekeeper for starters. Do your supermarket shopping online and get yourself organised.

No!

Unless you really want to do that.

... and then work less for the next 5-8 years, and to sacrifice your career and your prospects and your pension...

Honestly would your dh do that?
Whatever his job is.

What happens when 2 people in your dh's job get together and have kids? How do they manage? Someone must be able to compromise.

If my husband said this it would really trigger me!! It’s as much his responsibility as yours when you both work full time!!!

Maybe get a weekly cleaner if you can afford for one day a week? Genuinely it’s helped us so much - as it just helps us keep on top of things abit better during the week and long hours and child care. But at weekends - it’s EQUAL!!!!

You need to stop WFH. It's not helping you it's entrenching you as the default parent/homemaker despite working full time, just providing full time childcare for sick children on top which is impossible.

Once you're in office you and your partner will have to take turns taking time off when they are sick or childcare falls through. The damage these days off will do for your performance and stress will be less then juggling all at the same time.

Plus most of the mess will be from all of you being home all the time.

Tell him to shove it up his arse.

My dh does the clothes washing and I do all food planning and meals. We both work full time. Your dh needs to pull his weight when he is home. You work and deal with dc, he swans in and moans? Fuck that.

Youd be absolutely insane to Jack in your job or significantly reduce your hours. This kind of man isn't suddenly going to take over 50%of parenting responsibilities if you split up, in which case you'll be left trying to run a household on your part time wage and whatever he deems to pay in child support, plus do everything for the house and the kids. Don't denote yourself just because Mr Knobhead cant wash his own shirts or change an empty toilet roll

*demote

I actually don’t think it is that common to have two parents working full time with under 5s. I did 3 or 4 days until mine went to school and it feels like there were a ton of sahms. I’m moving to full time soon and am quite nervous about it as I’ve really needed the day without children to get stuff done and restore a bit of order to the house. if you’re spending £400 a month on cleaning that is already pretty toppy. I was paying £15 an hour for 3 hours a week before we stopped so it feels like you must be getting a fair chunk of time each week so not convinced more would help.

your biggest issue really is your husband working crazy hours while you’re trying to hold everything else together. It’s unsustainable which is why there are so many couples with sahms and high earning dads. You’ve got a choice really as to whether he is high enough earning that you working full time doesn’t really make enough difference to justify the extra stress.

I am also dubious about any man who says they can’t cover sickness etc ever. A woman doing the same job would do it. My husband is c suite level. When my children had chicken pox or other illnesses he has shared the load. Sometimes we’d agree his diary was worse than mine and I’d do the bulk but he’s always sucked up at least one day during a period of illness.

It’s a small thing but get him a separate washing basket. From now on his stuff goes in his and yours in yours.
when it’s full (or full enough) you do your washing, he does his whenever it suits him to do it.

you are not the maid, he can do his own shit, because no doubt you’re dealing with the kids as well as yours. Him doing his own isn’t even him pulling his weight. But will make him take more ownership of things

Do you have an enormous house?

we pay our cleaner £400 a month. For that she does 6-8 hours spread over two visits and does the cleaning, changes and washes the bed sheets the washing and the ironing.

I never iron. I wash a few precious and wash things of my own myself.

i cook and pack and empty the dishwasher (though I aim to put it on and leave her to unload it the days she comes).

DH is also a good tidier and does washing up am dishwasher etc.

standard London’s smallish 3 bed

£400 is about £100 a week - why isn’t she getting more done?

Sounds tricky OP. When you have discussions at the weekend, do you feel like you can share how you're feeling? Completely know where you're coming from. I work 37 hours in a mentally stressful job and DH works 45 hours + in a physically demanding job. My mum often tells me I'm not the only mum to work full time which is so unhelpful and doesn't make it any less difficult (she has never had to work in her life).

I think it's a shame that if you are sharing your feelings that you're not being supported. It also sounds like you get no time for yourself at all. If you really do feel you need to work less, that's fine but make sure this is the best decision for all of you and not just for your DH because he needs a shirt ironing.

Best of luck x

Change cleaners, this is too much. Also "every dad" (let's tick his category nicely) does 10 hours per week I am quoting "Forbes" here. If he does not clean, he has to pay for the 10 hours per week or start with the kitchen, then the bathrooms, then the kid's rooms. Get your whistle.
You cannot do it all.
He has form, and is very bad at math. In our day and age he cannot do a basic spreadsheet.
Why do you care about his shit while he does not care about yours or your kids ?
He works full time and does not give a flying fuck about what is going on at home Dear. Let's put it nicely : as you have determined that you are not 4 functioning adults in that house, you have to take care of two little dependants time eaters and destroyers of peace, quiet and cleanliness. Either he steps in, like "every dad does but absolutely fucking lies about it" or he shuts his mouth and enjoys the chaos until the two little ones he helped create leave the house.

Sorry OP but you married a prick.

The solution is not for you to work less. You would be making yourself more vulnerable and also firmly position yourself in the 'domestic slave role.

Stand up for yourself. If your marriage can't handle some mutual respect and appreciation, you're better off without it.

I would spend some money to make this manageable - cleaner - sending some laundry loads out - whatever it takes. It's a huge amount of work for you and he is gone for long hours.

It’s just a really hard time for both of you.
We went through it.
you’re both knackered. House is a mess (understandably). Winter is tough with bugs with the kids. It’s so easy when kids are young for communication to break down as you don’t have adult time together without things to do or sleep to be had.
Now you’ve realised there’s frustration on both sides, someone has to be the trigger to mend it. I would strongly recommend investing more into communicating in your relationship before its drifts further. It might feel onesided at first but if you explain and give him time to realise the problem I’m sure he will respond and want to improve things too. Try and create a kind culture in the house. Try and collaborate and be a team. Try and get some more help if you can. Think about what is feasible and what isn’t and carefully unemotionally position it with him so he can empathise with you. stay up later one night each week and hang out/ chat. And hopefully start to build back up the relationship you had. (If you want to). Once the children are a bit older it gets much easier again…

God, what a dick he is.
Id tell him that your work has suffered over the last two weeks as you’ve had to take time away from it to care for the children. You are now going to catch up on work over the weekend. Go to the coffee shop or library or a friends house to work in peace.
DH can look after the children and clean the house all weekend. He was expecting you to work from home, look after the children AND clean the house during the week so him just having children and cleaning to manage should be a piece of piss.

So why is it that only you haven't slept? Don't you take it in turns to get up with the dc?

If you have money to spare I’d also look at getting someone in to help organise your home and put systems in to make it easier to tidy and keep on top of things. It’s such a juggle and I do feel women have been sold a lie!

Has he listened to himself?

He isn't the only parent who works full time either so should suck up his share of parenting

How dare he call you a nag when you ask him to do anything...while also nagging you for not doing his share of housework (on top of yours). Can neither of you see how hypocritical this is?

Your husband IS being unreasonable. That said, we have two small children and do argue about silly things, as we are tired and there is a lot of pressure. Think to a certain degree it's unavoidable, especially with current pressures duch as COL crisis etc. My OH was having a go last night because I selfishly take 20 minutes to myself to get ready for bid, and have the audacity to wash my face and fo a basic skin care routine. Adding insult to injury, I hadn't finished clearing the kitchen!! So it isn't just you. I told him to do one, and not to bother speaking to me until he was ready to apologise, which he did this morning.

Assuming you can up your hours if you needed to, I would work less, if you can afford to. Yes, you would potentially be making yourself vulnerable if you quit work completely. But not so much if you keep your foot in the door, so to speak. Sounds miserable for everyone how you are atm. And presumably if the pressure from everything does end up splitting your family (assuming your husband is just being a bit of a prat, and isn't abusive or anything), you'll all be worse off financially etc anyway.

"I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring".

As soon as he utters words of discontent, just say " oh stop nagging ". Fight fire with fire.

You're his wife not his mamma !!! take care x

:) or no husband and descent nanny and/or grandma/grandpa support available. Not suggesting a divorce, but my life def got easier once a husband with similar tendencies (but earning less than me and with more relaxed schedule) was shown to the door.