Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband is always inviting people over….

224 replies

NickD87 · 02/03/2024 15:29

I’m at the end of my tether a little bit.
LO is about to be 11 months. We both work full time from home juggling childcare in shifts (thankfully we work for ourselves so can jiggle things about a bit).

I’ve brought this up with my husband before but he has a habit of inviting people over for dinner in the evenings on weekends - and often across both days - without checking with me first. Or worse….asking them randomly in front me of so I can’t really say no.

I’m tired.

This weekend we have our neighbours coming over - and found out this morning that two other sets are coming along too. Queue frantic cleaning, having to go to the shops, plan it all. Then a friend is coming for the day tomorrow all day. It tires me
out.

I really don’t mind one or the other, but I just want ONE DAY without work and to just have an evening where I can sit in my house and relax on the weekend.

It has especially wound me up today as I have told him about this several times. He KNOWS I hate it and don’t particularly like having people over all the time - let alone without having a say. And then he asks why I am ‘moody’ when he does it….

Whats even more of a kicker is that we saw said people yesterday, last weekend and are going to the theatre with them on Tuesday….its not
like we never see them!

Am I being an unsociable weirdo?

OP posts:
twingiraffes · 02/03/2024 15:31

The answer is simple. Don't lift a finger. He invited them, he does all the work.

bottomsup12 · 02/03/2024 15:31

Go out while they're there and don't do any prep or cooking!!

BatshitCrazyWoman · 02/03/2024 15:31

I'd go out. He can clean, cook and entertain them! I'm with you, this is a decision for both of you, and it's not unreasonable to want a day and evening to yourselves at the weekend.

IncompleteSenten · 02/03/2024 15:31

Not at all.

I hope you aren't the one expected to cook and clean. If so, I'd stop that for a start. He invites them round and simply informs you - he can cook.

tbh I'd fuck off out.

user1984778379202 · 02/03/2024 15:32

Why isn't he doing the cleaning and shopping if he's issuing invites willy-nilly?

AlwaysFreezing · 02/03/2024 15:32

No, not at all.

Your dh is being a twat not listening to you. I'd be going out to my mums/sisters/dads/brothers for the day/evening and leaving him to it.

You do have to stop facilitating it, though. Because every time he does it, the house is clean, there's food and you're there to host. Stop!

LordBummenbachsMagnificentBalls · 02/03/2024 15:32

Why are you doing all the work? He invited, he hosts. Sit back with LO and ask what he plans to cook for your guests?

IncompleteSenten · 02/03/2024 15:33

He won't stop until you make it a pain in the arse for him, because he clearly doesn't care that it's a pain in the arse for you.

Geebray · 02/03/2024 15:33

twingiraffes · 02/03/2024 15:31

The answer is simple. Don't lift a finger. He invited them, he does all the work.

Unfortunately that only works if the husband can actually see mess and things that need cleaning...

Geebray · 02/03/2024 15:33

But sure, cooking etc should definitely fall to him!

IncompleteSenten · 02/03/2024 15:33

Geebray · 02/03/2024 15:33

Unfortunately that only works if the husband can actually see mess and things that need cleaning...

Show quote history

at the very least he knows they probably need feeding.

Geebray · 02/03/2024 15:34

IncompleteSenten · 02/03/2024 15:33

at the very least he knows they probably need feeding.

Show quote history

And that probably is the least. But OP knows that things need putting away, floors need vacuuming, tables need to be cleaned... DH just doesn't care. But OP knows it matters.

Renamed · 02/03/2024 15:41

Start saying - also in front if intended guests- Oh lovely DH what are you making? Or - I’ll be in my room out of the way while you prep darling. Etc

WorkingFromHomeShite · 02/03/2024 15:42

Geebray · 02/03/2024 15:34

And that probably is the least. But OP knows that things need putting away, floors need vacuuming, tables need to be cleaned... DH just doesn't care. But OP knows it matters.

Show quote history

Why does it matter? Nothing will happen if the vacuuming doesnt get done for a fortnight 🤷‍♀️

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 02/03/2024 15:42

I'd be tempted to book a night in a hotel and leave him to it, tbh.

TheQueenMakersDaughter · 02/03/2024 15:47

Why on earth are you picking up the pieces when you don't want to? Go out, leave him to it. Enjoy an evening to yourself.

I know this sounds impossible considering how much work you usually put into hosting even when you don't want to, but what's the alternative? Keep doing the same things over and over until you stop thinking your needs matter at all?

CharSiu · 02/03/2024 15:48

How angry do you get?

You may just be too passive in your presentation. It’s not even about shouting it’s about speaking with intent, meaning what you say and not rolling over and giving in. My DH and DS joke that just a look is enough from me and they are turned to stone.

I would be pushed to do something radical if I had told him many times and he was ignoring me.

Describe the sort of conversation you would have with him.

Original poster
NickD87 · 02/03/2024 15:50

Thanks everyone!

I also wouldn’t be so miffed if it was daytime things…I could almost deal with that.

But I’m so fed up of the imposition on the evenings on weekends - not being able to decide when I go to bed, being busy all day to sort things out for the evening etc….I’m just so fuc*ing tired and it’s relentless.

OP posts:
Original poster
NickD87 · 02/03/2024 15:52

CharSiu · 02/03/2024 15:48

How angry do you get?

You may just be too passive in your presentation. It’s not even about shouting it’s about speaking with intent, meaning what you say and not rolling over and giving in. My DH and DS joke that just a look is enough from me and they are turned to stone.

I would be pushed to do something radical if I had told him many times and he was ignoring me.

Describe the sort of conversation you would have with him.

Such a good question!

I’m not an angry person. I’m generally easy going.

However, just before this post I did say to him in the kitchen he needs to stop doing it and was quite assertive (again).

The baby wouldn’t nap so think he just put it down to me being stressed by her crying.

OP posts:
35965a · 02/03/2024 15:53

I would go out to a friend or family member’s and leave him to it.

pictoosh · 02/03/2024 15:54

Very nice for him. He gets to be the generous, friendly host while doing none of the work. No wonder he enjoys it so much.

Yanbu. This would exhaust me. I wouldn't do it. I'd say, "You invited them, you can shop and cook for them."

A few weekends actually doing so would soon see the invites dwindle.
Twat.

Geebray · 02/03/2024 15:54

WorkingFromHomeShite · 02/03/2024 15:42

Why does it matter? Nothing will happen if the vacuuming doesnt get done for a fortnight 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

It matters to me if people visit my home and think it's dirty and messy, yes.

MakeItRain · 02/03/2024 15:55

I would head out and stay with family/friends for the weekend and leave him to it. Just say you're really tired and not up to it. I bet if you do this a few times, so he's having to deal with hosting all the guests on his own, he'll soon stop doing it.

hollyandivyknickers · 02/03/2024 15:56

Op just stop.

i don’t do the cooking in my house so i don’t invite anyone over without checking with the person that does.

Start making your own plans so you are busy. Have you got family or friends you can crash at with to be out the house when DH has invited them over.

or handover takeaway menus!
or switch off the oven and pretend it is broken.
or go to bed ill
or say you are coming to the them instead of them coming to you.
or say you have D&V and no one came come over.
or your lo has ‘slapped face’ or whatever it is that is no symptoms and you can get multiples times.
or when he does this say ‘no sorry I am out, can you cook’?

say no

get a shared calender and every other weekend write ‘do not book’ anything in it. One weekend on one weekend off.

PonyPatter44 · 02/03/2024 15:56

NickD87 · 02/03/2024 15:50

Thanks everyone!

I also wouldn’t be so miffed if it was daytime things…I could almost deal with that.

But I’m so fed up of the imposition on the evenings on weekends - not being able to decide when I go to bed, being busy all day to sort things out for the evening etc….I’m just so fuc*ing tired and it’s relentless.

My best friend goes to bed when she's tired, even if they have guests. We are all quite used to her taking herself off to bed, the rest of us stay round the table, eat cheese, drink wine and chat until we're ready to go.

Be like her.