Husband is always inviting people over….

[NickD87]

I’m at the end of my tether a little bit.
LO is about to be 11 months. We both work full time from home juggling childcare in shifts (thankfully we work for ourselves so can jiggle things about a bit).

I’ve brought this up with my husband before but he has a habit of inviting people over for dinner in the evenings on weekends - and often across both days - without checking with me first. Or worse….asking them randomly in front me of so I can’t really say no.

I’m tired.

This weekend we have our neighbours coming over - and found out this morning that two other sets are coming along too. Queue frantic cleaning, having to go to the shops, plan it all. Then a friend is coming for the day tomorrow all day. It tires me
out.

I really don’t mind one or the other, but I just want ONE DAY without work and to just have an evening where I can sit in my house and relax on the weekend.

It has especially wound me up today as I have told him about this several times. He KNOWS I hate it and don’t particularly like having people over all the time - let alone without having a say. And then he asks why I am ‘moody’ when he does it….

Whats even more of a kicker is that we saw said people yesterday, last weekend and are going to the theatre with them on Tuesday….its not
like we never see them!

Am I being an unsociable weirdo?

If DH invited people in front of me I'd point out that I was going out that night, and the next.......

My DH used to do that, l told him if he invites pp over he can plan the menu, do the shopping, cooking etc. It soon stopped.

Not unreasonable at all! I've experienced this myself and I can't stand it! You could go on strike with any cleaning/cooking, but as we all know, the cleanliness of a home always seems to be the ladies dept unfortunately. The only thing I can suggest is that you openly and honestly tell whoever he is inviting all the time that you're tired, but that your partner doesn't get it and is expecting you to entertain with a tot. If they're proper friends, they'll completely understand. Tell them that it's nothing personal whatsoever, but that you really need some downtime at the weekends. Then tell your partner! If he wants to socialise, he can go to theirs or meet them somewhere etc! Xxx

Not even remotely unreasonable. I used to be married to someone like this and it's relentless and so exhausting.

Stop doing all the work. If he wants to host he can cook and socialise and clean up. You do not have to be front and centre, take some time and space for yourself. And that doesn't mean you have to go out either. Just don't engage. Do your own thing.

as we all know, the cleanliness of a home always seems to be the ladies dept

Indeed - it's certainly always the woman who gets judged on the state of a house - no matter how many adults or near adults might be living in it, it's always Mam's responsibility.

Me too.

The day I went on strike in front of him and all of his friends was priceless.

He never thought I'd do it... I remember him saying "How dare you embarrass me in front of my friends" because he was banking on me not saying anything whilst they were there out of polliteness (read gross people pleasing)

My reply was we've spoken about this, you knew what would happen if you did this again.

His (all divorced) thick mates muttered apologies like scolded children BUT STILL STAYED!

At that point I went to my mates and he gave me the silent treatment for a week. Bliss. Needless to say tye marriage didn't last much longer and he was shocked when I walked out.

My ex was just like this, would invite people to stay, or have them in and out all weekend. All I wanted to do was slob out on the sofa with my onesie on and hair a mess. I did all the cooking and cleaning and of course it was expected that I would meal plan and cook for these guests as well as make them tea and sort bed linen etc. She loved hosting, funny how now if she has guests staying everyone has to pitch in as she’s not capable of hosting like l did. Don’t be a mug like I was, I am a social person but I also need down time

Ah right, lay down like a doormat and be walked all over. NO.

Tell the guests you’ve had a touch of D&V? That would expedite their departure.

I would HATE that! I would go out!

He’s organised these social get togethers, he can clean for it, shop for it, plan it and host it!

Next time he invites guests without asking you in advance, you say : the chicken or the pasta? You might add "sir" 🤣. That's the choice you're álways offered for in-flight meals, right? Meaning he can go out and get some take-away for everybody 😁

Tell him. What is he cooking for the guests? You are going out having a massage and a facial. He can juggle the cleaning etc.

Just walk out. He'll have to do it. Or get a takeout. Then at 10pm. Go to bed.

Read this out to my OH and he said "nope, no way, I couldn't cope once a month let alone every weekend" lol, he's an introvert. Heck, I'm an extrovert and I couldn't cope with that!

1. He is ignoring you and putting your feelings aside - which is just wrong
2. He seemingly cannot have a weekend with just his wife and child?? Does he in general struggle to enjoy quiet time? Does he need to be stimulated all the time?
3. He is making all these plans but then dumping the work for these on you - also completely wrong, he makes the plans so he can do the work for them. I'd write a list of every job that needs doing round the house and give him that, then tell him that he needs to decide what he's cooking and get his butt to the supermarket to get the ingredients!

While he is doing all this, have something fun for you and the little one to do. Then while he's cooking run yourself a nice hot bath, with candles and wine of course! God speed for next weekend!

No you are not being unreasonable, but HE is!

But, did you entertain a lot before baby? Is he trying to get back to the way things were, or simply not taken DC's workload into account?
Is he trying to convince himself that nothing has changed by the arrival of DC?
While you are telling him, are you coping with all of it?
Does he/has he ever realised the amount of work involved, if you always do it all?
Is he more relaxed than you about mess? (I had a lovely friend whose home was always perfect, she would drop in but never when mine was, but always when it was a real mess - I told her this one day, and she said "Is it? Your should have said, and put me to work!!" She had never noticed.)
Or, again, if you have always done it all, does he even realise what you do? (my DH called me lazy frequently, until he was made redundant and had our 3year old all day - big wake up call!)

Tactic one: If shopping is required, leave him a list while he is on childcare duty - obviously he can manage this as he is not working😆😉can't he?
Tactic 2: leave him a list of prep/cleaning that is needed, again for his childcare shift.
Tactic 3: Do it all, entertain, then slope off to bed, and leave all the clearing up to him. Pick a slot where it is his childcare shift following the event. Either way, just see to your work and DC leaving the clearing up undone - tell him you needed recovery time and could not manage to clear up - demonstrate your exhaustion.
Tactic 4: Do a pick and mix type food - the sort that comes from M&S, straight out of packet or already on a disposable plate to help themselves.
Tactic 5: Do you have garden space? Do it outside - be blase and tell them you are outside because the house is a mess.

I got stressed out just reading the OP. Sheesh!

I'd go out for the evening, perhaps book myself a hotel room for the night. Let him sort it all out.

We’ve also agreed (until inevitable ‘overexcited’ invites happen again…lol)

It’s not a laughing matter though is it? ‘Over excited? That’s a NO, surely he can control not inviting people over? He’d be recinding the invite if I was you OP. What a ridiculous amount of socialising he’s expecting when you have children.

As for those on this thread saying “leave him with the children to organise, shop etc” that's unnecessary, just tell him to take them to a restaurant but make sure the children are settled first.

So… go out and let the other half deal with it a few weeks of having people over and him having to organize it and it will stop happening or he won’t invite folk over. He invites folk over because the OP cleans and sets up fantastic dinners and social occasions. Step back and don’t do this. Simple. He will learn quickly.

He's taking the piss! Who's cooking for all these people? I would book myself a hotel and leave him to entertain all these people!

OP's husband has turned up, I see.

The only other explanation I can think of for such a comment is - someone who has been groomed from childhood to serve others before herself, to always put her needs last, to think it's virtuous to be a skivvy. Sad, really.

Make him call everyone in front of you and un invite. If he needs a reason it can be ‘sorry wife is unwell’ or he is unwell or whatever. You deserve rest in your house during the weekend.