Husband is always inviting people over….

[NickD87]

I’m at the end of my tether a little bit.
LO is about to be 11 months. We both work full time from home juggling childcare in shifts (thankfully we work for ourselves so can jiggle things about a bit).

I’ve brought this up with my husband before but he has a habit of inviting people over for dinner in the evenings on weekends - and often across both days - without checking with me first. Or worse….asking them randomly in front me of so I can’t really say no.

I’m tired.

This weekend we have our neighbours coming over - and found out this morning that two other sets are coming along too. Queue frantic cleaning, having to go to the shops, plan it all. Then a friend is coming for the day tomorrow all day. It tires me
out.

I really don’t mind one or the other, but I just want ONE DAY without work and to just have an evening where I can sit in my house and relax on the weekend.

It has especially wound me up today as I have told him about this several times. He KNOWS I hate it and don’t particularly like having people over all the time - let alone without having a say. And then he asks why I am ‘moody’ when he does it….

Whats even more of a kicker is that we saw said people yesterday, last weekend and are going to the theatre with them on Tuesday….its not
like we never see them!

Am I being an unsociable weirdo?

This.

Also ask him to make a Dr's appointment for his hearing problem.

I think he's perfectly entitled to invite guests round to his house any time he likes. But he needs to host them and do any prep work for it (or not if he's happy to just wing it). You don't need to lift a finger or even attend if you don't want to, because you're an independent adult who makes her own decisions.

100% reasonable to make your own plans, or to choose to be a non-participant in plans that your DH has made. 100% unreasonable to veto your DH inviting guests round whenever he feels like it.

The next time he puts you on the spot and asks in front of you, you say, 'Sorry darling, I have plans on that day. Maybe next time.'

And then you walk away.

Instead of the money I'd go and spend on shopping for unwanted ( by me) guests I'd pack an overnight bag and go and book a hotel next time with a late check out the next day, probably take the baby with me cos even with a baby in tow it's l still a break from hosting then if it happens again I'd just stay home. Would shop, wouldn't cook, would have my pyjamas on and chill upstairs then make sure I do no cleaning up if there's any to do the next morning

I couldn’t live like this all the time.

It would be a deal-breaker for me - being ambushed all the time, guests imposed on me in my home, zero consultation.

Ask him:

• How he feels about liaising with you who to have over/how often?

• If consulting you feels unfamiliar/unnecessary for him, why?

• How does he feel about you having an opinion/input re the management of household dynamics?

His answers may be interesting…

@mrsm43s I think it is common courtesy to check whether your partner minds if friends are being invited to shared house, especially if that infringes on the partner's enjoyment of their own home, regardless of whether the person doing the inviting is going to be doing all the hosting.

You're your own worst enemy if you do the cooking and cleaning. Don't. Do. It.

Lots of LTB on here but to be honest I'd agree a set amount of entertaining (once a fortnight, once a week?) and agree who does what and how it's arranged so it's not sprung on you.

Can you imagine if the tables were turned and you said 12 of your mum friends were coming tomorrow night, could he cook and clean?

However, just before this post I did say to him in the kitchen he needs to stop doing it and was quite assertive (again)
@NickD87
stop wasting your breath, dont tell him, dont even complain/react, just let him deal with it
dont lift a finger, he invited them=they are HIS problem

A few years ago we only had one DC at the time we would invite couples over (often DH suggestion). DH worked 37.5 hours a week and I worked 30 to 35 hours in a busy job but also did all the housework, cooking etc so was exhausted. It became very apparent quickly that I was being left with all the housework, shopping, preparing food, cleaning up when our guest left he would be drunk and head to bed. When he suggested yet again another couple come over as "it was so much fun" I blew and asked for who? Because it certainly wasn't for me having to spend my whole sat off cooking and cleaning nor was it for our DC fun to be missing out on fun time with his parents nor was it good for our finances because every time was costing is about £100 which we couldn't really afford. I told him if he was inviting more people he would be cooking and cleaning the whole weekend while I did nothing and that a meal out would cost us less. It's very unfair on you. Tell him your not doing it end off. You are entitled to a quiet weekend in your own home and your dc is entitled to a mum who isn't burnt out from being pushed into entertaining others. If he persists take your dc away for the night and leave him to it or leave Dc at home while you go.

Def go out....

This - he's being the genial "mine host" and you are the slavey in the kitchen.

Tell him that the next time he does it, you are going to bed. HE can tidy up, sort the kids, cook the food (or get a takeaway) and clear up afterwards because you aren't doing a thing. And mean it.

Or don't go to bed - go out. Meet a friend, have a meal and a glass of your favourite tipple. Don't even be present.

Just as a matter of interest, how often are the two of you asked to other people's homes? (Apologies if this has been asked and answered - I was just so incensed I started typing . . .)

I'm with the overwhelming majority.
I don't understand why you are facilitating him.

If my dh invited people over, then he would sort out the food.

YABU because you are letting him do this. Re tonight you could have told him that's fine, but you won't have time to clean or cook so they will have to take you as they find you. And he can organise a takeaway. He invites someone in front of you - you haven't had time to tell him yet, but you're out that night and he'll be looking after the baby. You could also talk to him again when it's just the two of you and tell him in no uncertain terms that next time he does this he'd better plan to do the cooking and cleaning, because you won't.
But you'll have to stick to it.

You dont seem to be listening to us OP, you've come here to get some support & sympathy to help you cope with his behaviour. That's understandable, but nothing will change unless you stop facilitating him.

Nothing funny about it.
Just do it.
His choice. His problem.

Do you have relatives living nearby? Could you pop in for a visit to them, or go to the cinema saying that you’ve arranged to meet A & B (your friends) and say to your DH “Oh that’s a shame, you should have checked with me before inviting X,Y and Z over for food. I’m heading out and won’t be able to do anything.” and go out.

A couple of times where he’s faced with providing for them should nip it in the bud.
Don't worry about doing a cleanup before either. Throw it in the conversation “You’ll have to do a clean up before they arrive”.

Stop running yourself ragged.

Take yourself to bed with a headache.

I would warn him that if he invites anyone round without asking you first, he will have to do all the shopping, cleaning, prepping and cooking. If you are feeling kind you will supervise the baby while he does it, but that isn’t guaranteed as you might have other plans.

Then stick to your guns but don’t get moody. If you think you might cave in, go out.

You will only have to do it once.

How much of the prep for these visits does he do?

I shouldn’t laugh 🤣

But of course you can say in front of people DH has just invited ‘do you know what, [friend’s nane], I would absolutely love to see you but on [whatever date DH invited them] I’m gking to be absolutely shattered after [xyz] so we’ll find another time’ etc etc. You really don’t have to say yes. I wouldn’t

YANBU at all, I would not be putting up with this every weekend.

Let him sort everything himself this weekend. Tell him if he does this again without asking you privately first you will be going out for the evening/ booking a hotel and leaving him with your baby and the guests to entertain. I’m sure after doing this once he won’t do it again.

If he’s desperate to see these people he needs to meet them out of the house!

I’m sorry but - what? Your husband constantly invites people round without consulting you, and YOU run around all day getting ready to host? Is this seriously what is happening?

This is madness. WHY are you doing this? How can he possibly understand that you’re unhappy with it if you keep doing it?

You need to just stop. Tell him - just one time - you are not doing this anymore and he’s been warned. If he says one word of complaint you shrug and tell him he can invite whoever he likes if he’s prepared to host.

thanks everyone!!

Update, I had a word with him. Apparently he just gets overexcited and forgets how it annoys me having people over all the time.

He’s doing the cooking too!

I’ve been quite assertive with him and said that he really needs to be more mindful around it. I’m also feigning illness so they either leave early this eve or I can take myself to bed.

lots of suggestions re: going out…they’ve really missed the point. The prep is only half of the issue, it’s the ‘surprise’ element of having guests every weekend and the fact that - frankly - I just want to chill in my own space on a weekend and decompress.

We’ve also agreed (until inevitable ‘overexcited’ invites happen again…lol) that at least one full day each weekend will be just a family day - no visitors.