Husband is always inviting people over….

[NickD87]

I’m at the end of my tether a little bit.
LO is about to be 11 months. We both work full time from home juggling childcare in shifts (thankfully we work for ourselves so can jiggle things about a bit).

I’ve brought this up with my husband before but he has a habit of inviting people over for dinner in the evenings on weekends - and often across both days - without checking with me first. Or worse….asking them randomly in front me of so I can’t really say no.

I’m tired.

This weekend we have our neighbours coming over - and found out this morning that two other sets are coming along too. Queue frantic cleaning, having to go to the shops, plan it all. Then a friend is coming for the day tomorrow all day. It tires me
out.

I really don’t mind one or the other, but I just want ONE DAY without work and to just have an evening where I can sit in my house and relax on the weekend.

It has especially wound me up today as I have told him about this several times. He KNOWS I hate it and don’t particularly like having people over all the time - let alone without having a say. And then he asks why I am ‘moody’ when he does it….

Whats even more of a kicker is that we saw said people yesterday, last weekend and are going to the theatre with them on Tuesday….its not
like we never see them!

Am I being an unsociable weirdo?

'Or worse….asking them randomly in front me of so I can’t really say no.'

Why can't you say no? That's odd if you can't express your opinion as it's your home to.

'Oh not this evening, I need an early night/have things go do.' Etc

My weekends are precious to me to read books in the evening when DC are asleep in bed. I am exhausted reading about all this socialising and not getting rest time in your own house!

Why do you have to have people round every weekend. I know we are probably at the other end of being sociable (very rarely have people over ) but even my really sociable friends don’t have people over every weekend

Actually no, my dh likes to go to bed early, and is always in bed by 10 / 11 regardless of company. He is a farmer, so always up and out by 6am. He loves company, but when he is tired, he is tired. My family and inlaws are all used to him disappearing off to bed whilst we open another bottle.

Ok op. You do you. Enjoy.

I would be handing the baby over and then going out for the evening with a cheery ' don't wait up '.
He can shop, prep, cook, clean up, entertain and look after the child all by himself.
He'd soon get the message.

"Over-excited"?

How old is he - four?

Honestly - this is no reason for a grown man to "forget" that his wife has asked him not to invite people without checking with her first.

Result, OP! Well done you, and ‘overexcited’ other half for listening. (Tbh most relationships are ‘works in progress’ 😆)

Have a lovely evening!

Apparently he just gets overexcited and forgets how it annoys me having people over all the time.

I absolutely guarantee that he will stop getting overexcited like this after the first time he is left on his own to do all the pre and post meal cleaning, shopping, cooking and hosting.

This is exactly what happened to me. ExH didn't know what hit him when I wised up and put my foot down.
Never had kids as "they'd interfere in our lifestyle" ... blessing in disguise.
After I hit 40 I became waaay less tolerant and the twat used to say menopause was driving me insane.
4 years of rows about how I'd changed, was a bad wife, unreasonable, selfish that I didn't take care of him like i was supposed to etc. His biggest one was that cared for my career more than him (I am more qualified, had (still have) a better job, company car etc).
The day I left he told me I'd never survive without him and no man would ever want me as I was useless, fat and ugly. Stalking, vandalism ensued, blah blah. Yeah, he was a real charmer.

Anyway, 4 years on, I've met a marvellous man 10 years younger than me (Am 50 now) who is a single Dad. His son is my own, he & his Dad treat me like I'm a precious gift, I still can't believe how blessed I am and that there's wonderful amazing men out there.

You need to have set days of the week where he can/can’t invite people over.

E.g. agree that Monday, Wednesdays and Sundays are chilled evenings and no one can be invited on those days.

If he invites anyone on the other days then it’s up to him to cook and clean.

He wouldn’t be so quick to invite people round if he had to do all of the work.

It seems that even though you clearly set out your very reasonable needs over this one issue, he has completely dismissed what you said and decided that you were just stressed about the baby. Just think about that - he is completely disregarding your feelings and your boundaries, and he just filters out anything that doesn't go along with his plans.
I wonder if this is a pattern of behaviour that you have got used to, so you don't really notice it any more in other areas of your life together? Does he ever actually listen to you and take on board your feelings and wishes? Do you make joint decisions, and do you feel like an equal partner in your relationship? If not, then you need to have a very serious conversation about how things need to change going forward. You are supposed to be a partnership, you have a right to have an equal say in all aspects of your relationship, including how you spend your weekends, in fact not just a say but you should also get to influence the outcome. But from your description of him, it does sound like he thinks he is in charge, and you are in some sort of supporting role, like his housekeeper/PA.
(I wonder does this maybe relate to the fact you work together and he takes the lead in your business too?)

My advice is to get this weekend out of the way, (which it sounds like you are already resigned to anyway), then sit down and have a serious discussion about how this is making you feel. Tell him very clearly that this is not working for you and that things need to change, starting with the following as a minimum:-

1. Next weekend you want a quiet weekend, no visitors, no impromptu socialising, no other commitments, and this is not up for discussion. If necessary write"quiet weekend at home" on your shared calendar so he cannot pretend that this has not been agreed between you.
2. In future, he is not to make plans without you both agreeing to them in advance. If he does then he will have to cancel those plans (which will be embarrassing for him).
3. And if/when you do agree plans together e.g. to have people over, then there needs to be a fair split of all of the preparation, shopping, cooking cleaning etc. If necessary actually assign tasks in advance so things are crystal clear who is doing what and the bulk of the work is not left to you.
4. Then hold him to all of the above.

If you are used to backing down or going along with his plans for a quiet life, then being assertive and uncompromising might be difficult at first, but if you want things to change you really need to set out clearly where your boundaries lie and then be consistent about holding him accountable when he chooses to step over them.

I suspect that this is just the tip of the iceberg and he probably rides roughshod over your opinions in lots of other areas too, but I hope I am wrong.

im confused as to why you’d be responsible for doing anything ?
if he’s made unilateral last minute plans, let home get on with it. Go about your weekend as normal, don’t do anything for it.

or to put for a family visit. Either way just stop doing it. Be assertive, you are not a doormat.

You go @NefertitHR

Lovely story, I smiled at that. We all deserve that.

The lucky ones (who have been modelled decent relationships by their parents probably) have a decent height bar from the outset.,

The rest of us settled for this sort of shit thinking anything will do as long as it's a man. Then the penny drops. Fingers crossed for the op and her child it's not too far away.

Well done for having the chat.

I understand children getting “overexcited” as they are still developing impulse control but it’s a pathetic excuse when coming from a grown man. What he is basically saying is that his desire to be the host overrides your thoughts and feelings in the moment.

I wouldn’t joke about the inevitable overexcited invites happening again. It might feel easier to lol about it but you must be vigilant about people eroding your boundaries and disrespecting you. That type of shit always starts with something small and then grows - stifle and pull it out from the root whenever you have the opportunity as a half hearted attempt to deal with weeds is pointless.

This!! Everyone saying leave it all to him, that just wouldn’t work for me. My DH wouldn’t be that fussed about tidying and cooking, he’d give them some Pringles and sausage rolls and he’d be delighted with his efforts, we’ve got completely different standards when it comes to entertaining. OP doesn’t want to go out, she’s knackered with a baby! She wants to stay in! And not get dressed up and make chit-chat with the neighbours! I would text them all now and say ‘sorry, going have to cancel tonight, me and baby both have an awful bug which has got progressively worse this afternoon, would hate to pass it on to any of you so going to have to take a rain check. Take care, enjoy your weekend!’ Xx

Then tell your DH that you’ve cancelled this evenings plans. Do the same for tomorrow guests. Be brazen, your DH is.

People who suggested going out are not ‘missing the point’. The point is do not host, at all, it’s not your role, it’s for your husband to sort. Whether that’s speaking up, doing something enjoyable whether that’s a hotel, cinema, or sleeping upstairs.

Urgh I would hate this! Luckily we are both unsocial so only have people over on special occasions.

'Overexcited' is a way of gas lighting you in to continuing do all the work whilst he continues to have the fun at your expense, and simultaneously now you're thinking 'bless him, he's so sweet and over excited'. Clever guy.

My dh used to do this, when he was a bit pissed, all the time.

Eventually I snapped and drove away and hour before his horrible friend was due to arrive leaving him with food and small children to deal with. After half an hour he called and told me he'd cancelled. I came back an hour after that,

That was 15 years ago and he never did it again.

This is foreign to me. Myself or DH always check with each other first if it's ok to invite people over. If DH ever just invited people over at the weekend without checking in first (unless for a really good reason), I wouldn't do a single thing to help.

I love entertaining and having people over, I'd happily do it more often than DH would like BUT I cannot imagine, other than an emergency situation, either of us inviting someone over and discussing/agreeing with each other. I'm sorry OP, I think this shows a complete lack of respect for you

I'd be telling him very clearly that you're not doing this any more - you work all week and juggle childcare and you want some quiet weekends relaxing at home with no guests. If he continues to invite people, don't clean, don't cook and take yourself off to bed. He can tell his guests that you've got a migraine. Let him do all the entertaining by himself a few times and I bet he'll stop issuing invitations!

People aren't missing the point, they're suggesting something that will work.

I guarantee you that once you've told him you not doing it, you're leaving him and the baby to it, and then followed through with that, he'll get the message. Maybe not the first time, but definitely the second.

I get that you don't actually want to go out, but that's what you'll need to do, otherwise it's just going to keep happening.

Am I being an unsociable weirdo?

Absolutely not. That's my idea of hell.