Husband is always inviting people over….

[NickD87]

I’m at the end of my tether a little bit.
LO is about to be 11 months. We both work full time from home juggling childcare in shifts (thankfully we work for ourselves so can jiggle things about a bit).

I’ve brought this up with my husband before but he has a habit of inviting people over for dinner in the evenings on weekends - and often across both days - without checking with me first. Or worse….asking them randomly in front me of so I can’t really say no.

I’m tired.

This weekend we have our neighbours coming over - and found out this morning that two other sets are coming along too. Queue frantic cleaning, having to go to the shops, plan it all. Then a friend is coming for the day tomorrow all day. It tires me
out.

I really don’t mind one or the other, but I just want ONE DAY without work and to just have an evening where I can sit in my house and relax on the weekend.

It has especially wound me up today as I have told him about this several times. He KNOWS I hate it and don’t particularly like having people over all the time - let alone without having a say. And then he asks why I am ‘moody’ when he does it….

Whats even more of a kicker is that we saw said people yesterday, last weekend and are going to the theatre with them on Tuesday….its not
like we never see them!

Am I being an unsociable weirdo?

Tell your husband the next time he invites people over, you’re going to take the baby away for the weekend and then do it! Go to your parents, sister, best friend, nice hotel, anywhere you choose. Come home Sunday evening well rested. If the house is a mess, leave until it’s cleaned. Your words are not getting through so you need to follow up with action.

Easy solution here! Let him clean and cook and set the table buy and organise the wine . You do nothing! Stop just appearing moody. You are not a ruddy doormat,nor are you in the catering business. Tell him next time he pulls this garbage on you he's on his own for the evening. Take your baby and go out!! Visit someone. Go out to eat. Book a hotel. Just go. It's either that or divorce! He sounds like an inconsiderate selfish pratt.

I think you are on the wrong thread.

Take this as an excuse to leave baby and go out to get shopping. As someone else said leave him to take over baby activities and tidy the house. It may be important to him to keep your social life up and I think, as someone old who made these mistakes, it would be a mistake to give this up but he needs to take responsibility for it. Make it a rule that he looks after the baby and does the tidying while you are out for the day (having a lovely day off and getting a few bits). Give him a list of things to do if he’s useless. Suggest you all go out and get a babysitter sometimes instead. If he doesn’t do any of these things - you have a more serious problem. You might need to fit in some counselling together.

My friend and her husband have a similar problem, he keeps inviting people over and she says that as he is organising he does the “hosting”.

The problem is if he is selfish enough not to consider his wife’s open views, he doesn’t even care he is providing a nightmare experience to his guests as he just becomes another guest waiting for my friend to start doing the work.

So you go into the house which looks like an pigsty and they leave you standing by the table, which is full of clutter without even offering a drink while they are discussing for half an hour where he is going wrong with the cooking.

They finally sit you at the table and they are taking turns siting at the table being passive aggressive to each other or disappearing altogether.

They don’t allow you to help because he or she is “in charge”, so it makes a shit experience for everyone.

But it does help OP, he continues to invite people but it is running out of friends who would accept the invitation.

Don’t clean, don’t do any of the shopping! Take your baby and have a nice walk in the park, sit down in a coffee shop, go to the museum etc. Your DH can sort it.

that needs to happen whenever he invites somebody without you agreeing to it. And even then: let him do his share of hosting duties and preparations!

sounds Good. Well done!

it it’s about relaxing: I’d consider booking a hotel room (for myself) if the thoughtless invites start up again!

He's pretending that life with newborn hasn't changed ....
Well it has and he needs to wake up.
My DXH did this and I was so exhausted trying to accommodate his selfish plans I ended up in hospital. Be warned. Look after yourself and baby...

Just say, Oh im so sorry ive already made arrangements for this weekend, and then go visit a friend or family member.
Do this every time he asks someone in front of you, also when he tells you people are coming, just keep saying same over and over, eventually he will stop.

opps just seen the update.

When my husband invites people over he does all the shopping and cooking and most of the cleaning. He then does most of the looking after guests and ALL of the tidying up afterwards.
I also get to agree to them coming
We don't have young children and are both retired.
He is being very inconsiderate

You deserve so much better than this, your partner is completing disrespecting you, you’ve asked your husband several times to check with you first (asking once is enough!)and he’s keeps putting his wants above your needs. I agree with other posters, do not help, take the LO out and tell your husband you’ll be back for dinner with the other guests, he wants to host? He can do the prep that goes with it. Furthermore, next time he invites people in front of you without checking, be honest and say “I wish you’d check with me first before inviting people over, I was hoping to catch up on some rest, work had been hectic this week!”
or “ I thought we agreed you’d check in with me before making plans for my/our spare time, I wouldn’t do this to you.” He’s not treating you as an equal partner, checking in with you is pretty basic common courtesy. You should have this in a loving relationship x

Yes! She isn't listening tp our wisdom.

YOUR husband is being inconsiderate I mean!

or a puppy?

He keep on doing it.
Don't minimise what is going on here.

Next time he does it contact the invitees and say "I'm so sorry but my husband forgot when he invited you over that I have plans on X day. I'll love to reschedule for (another more suitable date) if you are free then instead". Let husband know you've done it and he will be embarrassed and check with you first in future. Might take a few repeated incidents before he starts checking with you before making plans! You are absolutely entitled to some time to yourself in your own house.

lots of suggestions re: going out…they’ve really missed the point. The prep is only half of the issue, it’s the ‘surprise’ element of having guests every weekend and the fact that - frankly - I just want to chill in my own space on a weekend and decompress.

I totally get this, I need to chill, decompress etc without guests too! But some people really don’t get it unwanted guests are exhausting

I feel for you. Honestly, I think in this situation I would probably do 3 things. The first is to find a weekend cleaner. They are about £30 for 2 hours. I would pay for the cleaner with your husbands credit card. At the least he will start to value your unpaid labour. It will also help with your stress and you can do what you would like for a couple of hours on a Saturday (even if that's absolutely nothing.)
Secondly, I would call up whoever your husband has invited over for dinner (without first seeking his permission) and cancel the dinner. You can just explain you're very tired/coming down with something/baby not napping (etc.) People understand.
Whilst your husband is waiting for them to arrive, you can then bring up how unfair it is when one partner acts first, without consulting the other partner and talk about a schedule you could both manage. For example 2 weekends a month you socialise, but only on 1 night. eat.
Also, next time either he cooks or you get a take away. It seems to me this is more about undervalued labour, lack of empathy and a longing for a lifestyle which has changed. Good luck with it. Enough OP is enough.

Let him do it all. Leave and go out for an overnight stay with family that u had organised and forgot to mention. Let him do it ALL. Nothing most men hate more than being the one having to do all the actual domestic labour rather than palming it onto wifey. Just keep doing that again and again and again and it might help him remember a bit more😆

If he asks in front of you you can say no. « Sorry lovely idea for another time but I don’t feel up to it this weekend ». I don’t buy the overexcited thing. He just doesn’t care.

I agree 💯..he knows exactly what he's doing but doesn't care. As long as he's getting what he wants without any hassle he will keep doing it.

It's totally normal to need downtime OP. Hosting IS exhausting.

If he slips up and begins to ask again outside what you have agreed, choose an invitation where you aren't all that bothered about what the guests think (or a friend whom you can explain to behind the scenes!) and DON'T DO ANYTHING. Watch him scurry round when, at the last minute, he realises you really aren't going to pull out all the stops to get things ready for them. I promise he'll never do it again ...

The zombies are walking.