To love but not like my adult son.

[redcloudsunshine]

I am quite prepared to be bashed and told what an awful monster I am but I can't help the way I feel.
I have an adult son living at home, he's 24 and I just don't like him.
His opinion on woman is disgusting and disrespectful, he's rude to dh and I and has the attitude of a stroppy teen.
He won't do anything asked of him, and if spoken to about anything gives back chat.
He doesn't clean up after himself, has ruined our home by making stains on carpets and scuffs on paintwork etc that he shouts wasn't on purpose if anyone dares to say anything.
He has a very loud annoying laugh that he uses anytime anyone has any misfortune and thoroughly enjoys mocking and putting everyone down.
I think he learnt most of his ways from his dad who had him every weekend growing up, he too hates woman.
I think it's too late to try and change him now, he's set in his way and as far as he's concerned he's right about woman and nothing will change his mind.
He reads books on power and control under the guise of it being assertive management which he claims will benefit him when he gets to be a manager.
We also have two daughters with current dh who live at home although they're younger teens and they are so different, they are polite and friendly and sit with us and talk to us like human beings, we have a brilliant relationship and lots of fun together, they act like they are part of the family.
Ds never buys anyone in the family a birthday card, but his birthdays are always recognised.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't.
I don't like the way I feel about him but it's hard to like him even if I love him deep down.

I tried to raise him right so he'd be a decent human being but his dad had the biggest influence and he turned out like him, he idolises his misogynistic dad who never had a good word to say about me or any woman so he doesn't feel the need to show me any respect either or my dh.

That was longer than expected, so thank you if you made it to the end.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks

Stop doing this now! Your reasons are absolutely justified and quite frankly are alot of what the problem with men are nowadays.

You are doing him no favours by pandering to him.

Read it back carefully. Try to think what you would advise a friend in this situation?
You know it's time for him to go. Don't make your daughters & husband ( and you) live with this level of disrespect.

For gods sake boot him out! Why on earth are you letting him stay in your home when he treats you all so horribly! How awful for your DH and DDs to be subjected to this vile behaviour.

For his sake and your sakes you need to get him out.

He behaves this way because you have babied him and treated him like a child. Stop doing it. Why are you even letting him live in your house?

For christs sake stop playing the victim and get him told.

He is 24, stop treating him like a child. He has to start doing his own cooking, washing etc. he pays rent and if he does not like it he moves out. You are being his slave and letting him get away with it. He is an adult and should be expected to live as an adult. Put some boundaries in and stick to them.

It's time for him to move out.

Your poor daughters.

I'm sorry but I wouldn't be letting someone who openly hates women live in my house with my two teenage daughters.

He's 24, time for him to grow up and get on out into the real world.

Absolutely clear as a bell that you have enabled this behaviour and are very much responsible for it continuing.

I would absolutely not have this disgusting man in my house with two teen daughters. It's an accident waiting to happen.

Give him a two month deadline to move out, no excuses. You will actually be helping him. Give him the deposit/bond for a flat rent if you can afford it to make it easier .

Time for some tough love. I'm not surprised you don't like him, he sounds absolutely awful.

Agree with the others sorry, what behaviour are you modelling for your teen daughters?

That an angry man should be bent over for and appeased at the expense of everyone's happiness?
That men don't have to contribute to the household if they don't want to
That it's fine for men to shout and be aggressive towards family members and face no repercussions
That you should never sink to the man's level no matter what they've done - seriously read all the threads on here about men being spoiled for fathers day/birthdays and doing nothing in return or going for weeks holidays with the "boys" leaving the woman at home with the kids....

In a few years they could be living in their own homes with partners and you're basically telling them that this is the way a family should be, i.e. once a man is part of your family he deserves to stay in your home no matter what, with no repercussions.

He won't change now Op, he's a grown man who treats you all badly so it's time he lived somewhere else. Give him a month or two to find somewhere to live

The only monster here is him , not you . You are the doormat . Kick him out . He’s old and ugly enough.

I can’t believe you said all that about him and then add on that you cook for him, make his lunch and do his washing! You might not easily change his behaviours at this point, but you can stop being his skivvy at any time. And yes, tell him to move out.

You ask him to move out.

And in the process of making his way in the world some of his unpleasant traits will get called out by other people and he will need to cope.

As a result he will grow up.

You need to sort this.

You know what, I'm actually quite angry at the OP for exposing her daughters to this awful behaviour and normalising it.

The very least they can do is put a stop to it ASAP .

I wonder if there is more context. For example, does your son work, and if so, is there any prospect of him moving to a managerial position? If he idolises his father, why does he not live with him? If he is misogynistic, why does he choose to live in a predominantly female household? Does he have any friends or social life?

I am asking this because one of my sons behaves in a similar manner. However, he has additional needs, experienced abuse from his father and has next to no self esteem.

If he is a 'typical' 24 year old, with independent means who has a terrible attitude and self centred behaviour, then it is time he found his own accommodation. If he has additional needs and/or is not independent, then he needs very clear boundaries about what will or will not be tolerated.

I'd love nothing more than for him to move out but he's gone back to college after a change of mind, which I did encourage and I so want him to finish his course this time, so he can get a job that pays better so he can support himself.

He can support himself anyway. He sounds pretty horrible TBH.

I had one like this and totally understand your guilt about loving but not liking.

But he has to be shown, while his brain is still flexible enough to maybe change, that there are consequences and people will not accept his behaviour. Don't let your guilt hold you back on that.

How long is his course @redcloudsunshine ?

Agree with PP. This is an unacceptable level of disrespect. I think the only thing you can do, for everyone's sake, is let him go. Because letting him walk all over you and treat you like a doormat is not working for anyone - even him as it is just reinforcing in his mind that he is right

It's time for him to move out. Stop making his food and doing things for him!

YANBU.

1. There is no guarantee that anyone will like or love relatives - they are just people, after all.
2. Stop doing all cooking and chores for him.
3. Give him 3 months' notice to find a new place, then change the locks.

The OP's response is revealing.