Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To love but not like my adult son.

446 replies

redcloudsunshine · 29/02/2024 10:12

I am quite prepared to be bashed and told what an awful monster I am but I can't help the way I feel.
I have an adult son living at home, he's 24 and I just don't like him.
His opinion on woman is disgusting and disrespectful, he's rude to dh and I and has the attitude of a stroppy teen.
He won't do anything asked of him, and if spoken to about anything gives back chat.
He doesn't clean up after himself, has ruined our home by making stains on carpets and scuffs on paintwork etc that he shouts wasn't on purpose if anyone dares to say anything.
He has a very loud annoying laugh that he uses anytime anyone has any misfortune and thoroughly enjoys mocking and putting everyone down.
I think he learnt most of his ways from his dad who had him every weekend growing up, he too hates woman.
I think it's too late to try and change him now, he's set in his way and as far as he's concerned he's right about woman and nothing will change his mind.
He reads books on power and control under the guise of it being assertive management which he claims will benefit him when he gets to be a manager.
We also have two daughters with current dh who live at home although they're younger teens and they are so different, they are polite and friendly and sit with us and talk to us like human beings, we have a brilliant relationship and lots of fun together, they act like they are part of the family.
Ds never buys anyone in the family a birthday card, but his birthdays are always recognised.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't.
I don't like the way I feel about him but it's hard to like him even if I love him deep down.

I tried to raise him right so he'd be a decent human being but his dad had the biggest influence and he turned out like him, he idolises his misogynistic dad who never had a good word to say about me or any woman so he doesn't feel the need to show me any respect either or my dh.

OP posts:
user1471556818 · 29/02/2024 13:04

You and your husband need a plan to deal with this behaviour. You are being a terrible example to your daughters,is this how a man treats women must be mum accepts it.
Actions and behaviours have consequences for everyone .
I'm sorry but you have done your son no favours in allowing this .
You can stop it and protect your daughters

Whenitsnotalwaysraining · 29/02/2024 13:04

Bananawotsit · 29/02/2024 12:44

Stop doing his laundry, making him meals. Keep shared food open but lock other great food away if you think he’ll steal it. He can do his own laundry and make his own meals. If he leaves washing in the machine, stick it in a bin bag - don’t finish it. Don’t let him have meals with you, don’t let him sit in the lounge. Do not give him money for anything.
if he leaves plates in his room and won’t bring them down/wash them. Lock it up and just give him access to paper plates.

if he leaves his stuff lying around stick it in a bin bag. Give it a day/week and put in shed/garage.
If you can’t do it for you, do it for him and any future girlfriends.
you’ve enabled this behaviour - you can’t change it now but you don’t have to put up with it.
Read up on why you won’t stand for his behaviour/beliefs while he is in your house so you have clear and succinct reasons for why you are setting these boundaries without engaging in an argument or discussion.
don’t discuss it just stop doing it. If/when he asks say he is in adult he needs to look after himself. Don’t engage in discussion about it.
don’t give him the opportunity to sneer at you and laugh. If he does this just walk away -only engage once he has stopped treating you like a doormat.

im really sorry you are going through this. Part of me feels sorry for him as he obviously is trying to get approval from his dad in some messed up way, but let’s face it his dad is in no state to give him the love and support he needs so he is taking it out on you.

good luck it sounds really tough.

This is brilliant advice! I’d chuck him out tbh but in the meantime agree with all of the above. Especially the bit about no discussion, just start behaving differently now. You don’t need anyone’s permission in your own home. Good luck.

jeaux90 · 29/02/2024 13:06

He is acting entitled because you are doing everything for him.

Our jobs as parents is to bring up independent adults.

From now on:
Own washing
He either helps to cook or clears up
He has chores

Or

He leaves

You are otherwise sending a man baby out into the world and in a few years time some woman is going to be whining about her lazy partner on here.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 29/02/2024 13:07

I think you should tell him that if he wants to remain living under your roof he needs to change otherwise he will need to move out with a month.

There's no hope for him at all unless he starts to see consequences for his actions.

As for his management aspirations, the women on his team will HR him out of there if he treats them with the same level of disrespect.

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/02/2024 13:09

Be more assertive op

QueenBitch666 · 29/02/2024 13:10

Stop being a doormat and kick him out

MyFirstLittlePony · 29/02/2024 13:13

With young adults it is all about boundaries

Not their boundaries, that ship has sailed

But like any adult relationship, you have to make your boundaries clear

You need to start small and stop being such a housemaid to him

No more washing his clothes, cooking for him and especially NOT MORE APPEASING HIM

The more you try to appease someone who does not respect you (and he does not respect you), the less they respect you

He would respect (and probably appreciate and even love) you a lot more if you had very firm boundaries.

But start small and build it up, and be really firm about your own boundaries and what you find acceptable

I say this as a mum of two young adult men.

QueenBitch666 · 29/02/2024 13:14

DropDeadFreida · 29/02/2024 11:55

So your son hates women but is happy to accept food and board provided by a woman? I'd call him out on his utter hypocrisy for a start OP. And stop enabling his behaviour. His dad may have instilled those values but you're continually reinforcing them.

This. You're enabling a monster

DropDeadFreida · 29/02/2024 13:16

largeprintagathachristie · 29/02/2024 12:55

I know times have changed but at age 24 I moved continents on my own (and funded the fare).

The dynamic you describe just seems appalling for everyone, and actually not ultimately doing him any favours, either. He has an immense amount of growing up to do, which just isn’t happening.

This constant babying of grown adults is so bizarre. I'm in my thirties so not that much older than the OP's son and at his age I was working, doing a PhD and was in the process of buying my first house. All while renting on my own so I wasn't even living with my parents.

KreedKafer · 29/02/2024 13:20

His opinion on woman is disgusting and disrespectful

He can fuck off out of your home and find himself somewhere else to live, then. Stop being such a bloody doormat. Neither you nor your daughters should have to live with a misogynist.

Angelsrose · 29/02/2024 13:22

Sorry op but your son needs to be shown the door and quickly before he wrecks your life entirely.

BlueGrey1 · 29/02/2024 13:24

You could tell him that it’s unlikely he will ever get to a management position with his attitude,
How would he ever cope in the workplace if he was being managed by a woman ( high possibility of this happening), I don’t think he would cope at all and also if he was being managed by a woman she certainly that he was never promoted given his attitude, he would be completely toxic in any workplace and more senior people would be quick to spot that……speaking from a person who is in an upper management position

Noicant · 29/02/2024 13:30

You don’t actually have to do any of those things for him at all. You are choosing too. First sign of disrespect I would have said “wash your own clothes make your own meals, I don’t do shit for someone who is rude or horrible to me”. A child you could forgive but a grown man… don’t think so.

Why are you doing it? You don’t even like him or want him in your home yet you are doing everything possible to make it nice and cushty for him. If I had clean clothes a clean home and a full belly through no effort of my own I’d not want to leave either.

Newestname002 · 29/02/2024 13:31

@redcloudsunshine

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't.

Stop doing those things for him OP. He's old enough and, given he has career aspirations to management, to undertake these tasks for himself. Also he's old enough to take responsibility for the damage he does to your home and the way he treats you. Give him a short date to leave (TELL don't ask) - he can find his own accommodation or live with his father, on whom he seems to have modelled himself.

The way he treats you, his mother, is disgraceful and the fact you accept it (he's still in your home, he comes in between you and your husband, he mocks you to his father and doesn't care that you hear) - why do you put up with this any more?

You and your husband need to be a team and send him on his way. Your daughters will be in the firing line for this behaviour, if they're not already - and they will become desensitised to this misogynistic behaviour and may well end up with partners just like your son.

Time to get tough OP. 🌹

Pardonnezmoimadame · 29/02/2024 13:36

It’s time to show him the consequences of his behaviour and attitude.

You are not the cause of his misogynistic ways - that’s his dad. But if you continue to accept his views, you are tacitally approving them.

Tell him that you find his attitude towards you disrespectful, that you don’t want his misogynistic behaviour near your daughters and it’s time for him to leave.

HomeIsHardToFind · 29/02/2024 13:37

'Living with his dad isn't an option full time, he's tried that and didn't get on with his step mum.'
I bet that isn't strictly true, it is more likely he tried to pull his shit on his step mum and rather than bend over backwards to accommodate him she told him to fuck right off!!
For what it's worth I have a 17 year old son working full time hours in an apprenticeship and he does more for himself than your 24 YEAR OLD ADULT son.
Kick him out into the real world for everyone's sake.

ThisSideOfTheLight · 29/02/2024 13:52

He sounds deeply unpleasant and you aren't doing him any favours by being his servant OP. I would be unhappy in your DH shoes as your homelife sounds significantly impacted by this lazy misogynist.

It also sounds like he is using you after your admission that he is unlikely to be in touch much after he leaves. Personally, I would be facilitating this exit early by telling him that his disrespect, damage to your home, sneering lazy attitude has made all living together going forward untenable.

I would be minded to help with a rental deposit if you are able.

@redcloudsunshine you cannot keep exposing your dds to this adult man's vile attitude.

Original poster
redcloudsunshine · 29/02/2024 13:56

It's definitely time for him to find somewhere of his own, I think he'd also be happier in the long run, even if he doesn't see it straight away, he'll have a bit of independence, no one to answer back to as he could do what he wants.

Hopefully his attitude will run its course, though I doubt it all the time his dad reinforces it.

Thanks to everyone who replied, I expected to be told I shouldn't kick him out but for the girls and my marriage and his development I think it's the only option.
I can't say anything about his dad's influence to him because he's very defensive and won't hear it but I hope he'll see for himself that it hasn't got him very far.

OP posts:
taylorswift1989 · 29/02/2024 13:56

Kick him out.

He's abusive and sounds like a nightmare to live with.

You're not doing him any favours by letting him stay and abuse you and your teenage daughters. He needs to start seeing how the world really works. Kick him out.

Rubbishconfession · 29/02/2024 13:58

redcloudsunshine · 29/02/2024 13:56

It's definitely time for him to find somewhere of his own, I think he'd also be happier in the long run, even if he doesn't see it straight away, he'll have a bit of independence, no one to answer back to as he could do what he wants.

Hopefully his attitude will run its course, though I doubt it all the time his dad reinforces it.

Thanks to everyone who replied, I expected to be told I shouldn't kick him out but for the girls and my marriage and his development I think it's the only option.
I can't say anything about his dad's influence to him because he's very defensive and won't hear it but I hope he'll see for himself that it hasn't got him very far.

Kicking him out is the right answer but I get the feeling you won't do that whilst he's doing this course.

So please don't live like for another 1 year +.

What do you find difficult about stopping doing his washing and cooking and lunch? I notice you won't engage on this question and that's your right, but it would be good to understand what's holding you back from stopping it?

Daleksatemyshed · 29/02/2024 13:59

Of course he laughed when you pointed out his SM does everything, that's the Tate ideal woman, they think women should do the housework and earn the money but if your an Alpha male she'll respect you and be happy. His GF's dump him because they see that he's an entitled idiot who gives them no respect.
He won't change until you force him Op, then he'll either grow up or get in a strop and leave. You may love him but he's taking advantage of that, he knows you'll go on doing everything for him while he treats you like a silly little woman who nags but never backs it up with action. Time for a rethink Op

Daleksatemyshed · 29/02/2024 14:00

Sorry, you're not your

UpsideLeft · 29/02/2024 14:02

I'd be chucking him out

UpsideLeft · 29/02/2024 14:03

I'd be quite savage and just change the locks

TattedBarley · 29/02/2024 14:03

For gods sake OP why are you doing his washing, cleaning up after him and cooking for him? How is he supposed to learn that women don’t exist to serve him if you’re teaching him that actually, it doesn’t matter how shit you treat them, because they’ll do it anyway? Honestly if I were you I’d be gathering up dirty washing and any other mess he makes and dumping it in his room and shutting the door behind you. He’s an adult, it’s his problem. I’m not saying you have to live in filth, just localise his filth to his room. Go on strike!! Stand. Up. For. Your. Self. Stop letting him treat you like a doormat. You’ve provided him a place to live at 24 years old out of the goodness of your heart, you are not obligated to do this. By the way he treats you he is not deserving of your kindness. Does he even pay board? I’m not surprised he can’t find a girlfriend. Andrew Tate has a lot to answer for, his views are revolting. I understand he’s your son and you love him, but something has to change.