To love but not like my adult son.

[redcloudsunshine]

I am quite prepared to be bashed and told what an awful monster I am but I can't help the way I feel.
I have an adult son living at home, he's 24 and I just don't like him.
His opinion on woman is disgusting and disrespectful, he's rude to dh and I and has the attitude of a stroppy teen.
He won't do anything asked of him, and if spoken to about anything gives back chat.
He doesn't clean up after himself, has ruined our home by making stains on carpets and scuffs on paintwork etc that he shouts wasn't on purpose if anyone dares to say anything.
He has a very loud annoying laugh that he uses anytime anyone has any misfortune and thoroughly enjoys mocking and putting everyone down.
I think he learnt most of his ways from his dad who had him every weekend growing up, he too hates woman.
I think it's too late to try and change him now, he's set in his way and as far as he's concerned he's right about woman and nothing will change his mind.
He reads books on power and control under the guise of it being assertive management which he claims will benefit him when he gets to be a manager.
We also have two daughters with current dh who live at home although they're younger teens and they are so different, they are polite and friendly and sit with us and talk to us like human beings, we have a brilliant relationship and lots of fun together, they act like they are part of the family.
Ds never buys anyone in the family a birthday card, but his birthdays are always recognised.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't.
I don't like the way I feel about him but it's hard to like him even if I love him deep down.

I tried to raise him right so he'd be a decent human being but his dad had the biggest influence and he turned out like him, he idolises his misogynistic dad who never had a good word to say about me or any woman so he doesn't feel the need to show me any respect either or my dh.

Buy a book called boundaries by Dr Henry cloud.
Read it.
Implement what you've learnt.

Sounds like you are trying to shift any blame off yourself.
Fair enough you don't feel you can change your son, but nor should you.
But where you are really missing something, is implementing boundaries and giving him his own problems to deal with.

E.g.
If he chooses to do x, then it has y consequences.
Ie if he damages your house, he gets a bill for repairs or has to make good the damage. If he wants to live at home he gets charged for food and rent and bills.
If he's nasty to you, he gets warnings and is then not allowed to live at the house.

You need to rather than being resentful and passive, start standing up setting boundaries and following through.

You are actually part to blame here. Not just his dad.
Because you are not giving him problems as a consequence of his behaviour that you are finding is making you resentful ect.

Agreed. I mostly come here for the entertainment aspect

I really hope you've kicked him out by now, OP. You are clearly enabling his bad behaviour and teaching your daughters that men should be pandered to.

I’m just going to be honest and straight forward.
i do not like my son, I have no bond with him and he infuriates me.
hes 19 has slight autism.
he does nothing in the house unless I nag him to do it.
his room is a tip,
he stinks because he just does not bring his clothes down to wash, he does bath every other day.
theres just no conversation from him and all he does is say “ye”
his teeth are rotten from the amount of coke he is drinking and not brushing his teeth, we are in the process of getting his teeth done but it’s costing me hundred of pounds at each visit because the amount of work need doing.
i explain he needs to help with the stuff in the house to contribute towards the money spent on him.
he only drinks coke and eats chicken nuggets.
he has no feelings towards anyone and although he doesn’t have an attitude or he doesn’t back chat, it’s the lack of anything from him that annoys me so much.
so much to the point i just don’t like him.
i should be grateful that he’s not out drinking and taking drugs but it’s annoying me that he never leaves the house unless it’s for the shop and all he doesn’t is sit in his room playing on his pc.
there is just nothing from him at all

This is a great advert for trying to sell the message that child free is best lol.

I do have a 2.5 year old girl who I love unconditionally, she melts my heart but I just can’t seem to have the same feelings towards my son

I do have a 2.5 year old girl who I love unconditionally but I just don’t have that same bond towards my son

So your validating his options of women by doting on him.

No wonder he doesn't get on with step mom she probably doesn't put up with his shit!

He can move into the YMCA while he finishes his course. No need for you to endure another year. If he’s not going to speak to you when he leaves anyway, then there’s nothing to be gained by delaying his exit.
I had to do that with my son as he made all our lives a misery.

Yes, this, out! He needs to go and you needn't wash another sock or make another meal for him again. Then he might learn to value the quiet selflessness of women. But he really needs to stand on his own two feet now as he has been enabled too long.

Bit of a zombie, and the OP hasn't come back

@redcloudsunshinehow are things with your son, hope they're a bit better?

Chuck him out. He's making everyone's lives unpleasant and it's the only way he'll learn. I mean the cheek of his behaviour really. You deserve much better than this.

I wouldn't have an andrew tate fsna around daughters

I would remind him that letting him live with you rent free while he does his college course at the age of 24 is a favour not an entitlement and that whilst he lives with you he has certain responsibilities ie cleaning up after himself, being respectful etc. This needs to be enforced or it does nobody ( including him) any favours.
If he doesn't play ball then he needs to leave.
You don't want your daughters to think this is an acceptable way for men to behave around women.

I'm so sorry for your situation @Mom202 - you might get some better responses than @Passingstranger has supplied if you copy and paste your post as a new post in a kinder section than AIBU.

February 2024!

Time to cut the apron strings!!!

Tell him he has two options
A pay for his own accommodation, flat share whatever
B Go live with his useless Dad
Its gone on long enough.
Fuck that shit!

Am I the only one creeped out by reading that an adult misogynist abuses his family who then meekly slave after him like he’s a God? When he rapes someone or ties them in a coercive relationship, you can take a fair share of the blame.