To love but not like my adult son.

[redcloudsunshine]

I am quite prepared to be bashed and told what an awful monster I am but I can't help the way I feel.
I have an adult son living at home, he's 24 and I just don't like him.
His opinion on woman is disgusting and disrespectful, he's rude to dh and I and has the attitude of a stroppy teen.
He won't do anything asked of him, and if spoken to about anything gives back chat.
He doesn't clean up after himself, has ruined our home by making stains on carpets and scuffs on paintwork etc that he shouts wasn't on purpose if anyone dares to say anything.
He has a very loud annoying laugh that he uses anytime anyone has any misfortune and thoroughly enjoys mocking and putting everyone down.
I think he learnt most of his ways from his dad who had him every weekend growing up, he too hates woman.
I think it's too late to try and change him now, he's set in his way and as far as he's concerned he's right about woman and nothing will change his mind.
He reads books on power and control under the guise of it being assertive management which he claims will benefit him when he gets to be a manager.
We also have two daughters with current dh who live at home although they're younger teens and they are so different, they are polite and friendly and sit with us and talk to us like human beings, we have a brilliant relationship and lots of fun together, they act like they are part of the family.
Ds never buys anyone in the family a birthday card, but his birthdays are always recognised.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't.
I don't like the way I feel about him but it's hard to like him even if I love him deep down.

I tried to raise him right so he'd be a decent human being but his dad had the biggest influence and he turned out like him, he idolises his misogynistic dad who never had a good word to say about me or any woman so he doesn't feel the need to show me any respect either or my dh.

OP, can you talk to your son or even text/e-mail him (my son prefers asynchronous communication so he can think about his reply)? Could you help him to see that changing behaviour can change attitudes? If he starts to be more appreciative, polite, respectful to the people with whom he lives, it will be easier to behave in that way towards any potential girlfriend. He may have a better chance of having a positive relationship in the long term.

I expect you have tried his already, but I feel sorry for your son, despite his attitude and behaviour. He sounds like he is deeply unhappy and is putting on an arrogant hyper-masculine mask.

This is terrifying. Having a son like this sounds like my worst nightmare.

my brother was always difficult (but not this bad), and my parents appeased him for years. Similar reasons- want him to finish his course, want him to hold onto his job, etc etc. I really, really resent them for it as it affected my self-confidence and happiness as a child, and now as an adult. For the sake of your relationship with your daughters, you need to stand up to this man now.

For goodness sake he's an adult. Ok if you still want to support his education I sort of get it. But wtf why are you waiting on him. When does the course start. I'd be laying down some boundaries and if he crosses them he's out course or no course. I'm actually angry at you OP for enabling him. We need to educate our sons it's so important. I'd be turfing him out and let him make his own way in the world. For goodness sake you've done enough

lol im not surprised he doesn't get on with his step mum. Honestly OP you are to blame as much as him. Grow a backbone cut the apron strings and put him out asap. His step
Mother has more of a backbone than you ?? I have no sympathy for you unless you take action.

If you don’t feel right in kicking him out, and I think it’s something easier said than done.
Stop doing his washing and making his lunches for him. He will have to wear dirty clothes or go hungry. He will moan. Do not cave. He knows which buttons of yours to push in order to get a reaction/what he wants.

Good Lord when does a woman's job end? I'm sorry but this man is not an idiot. He knows what he's doing and its effects as they are clearly outlined by the OP's posts.

She already says he treats her like a slave and is abusive, and she should spend even more time trying to make him change?

Excuses excuses excuses. Honestly you make me so mad. There are so many horrible men around and have never been taught respect. You and other mothers like you are a big part of the problem. No more excuses OP. Change the locks if he won't talk to you. Honestly I'm so cross with you

Get him to fuck.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks

He sounds horrid but I think you need to step back and acknowledge the part you’re playing in enabling his behaviour.

Stop doing everything for him. Pull him up on unacceptable behaviour and let him know if he doesn’t drastically change his attitude and behaviour within a month he will need to move out. And mean it.

It's very easy to blame your ex and absolve yourself of all responsibility for the way your son has turned out, but both parents shape a child's development.
It's a bit late for your son - who sounds like a twunt whom you enable by providing the perfect enabling environment for his behaviour.
It's not too late to show your daughter's, though, that thus behaviour from a man-child is not something any female should be subjected to, especially in an home that should be their sanctuary.

This. I'm sorry OP but women like you are a big part of the reason there are so many awful men around. How would you feel if he abused his girlfriend or started hitting her which sounds very possible . The only way things will change is if you change your behavior. It's like you are in an abusive relationship and you feel trapped. OP all the answers are staring you in the face but only you can implement them

Why on earth still have him living with you . He's 24 so time he left home

Why on earth are you cooking and cleaning for a 24 year-old, especially one who is so unpleasant to live with?

My kids are decent people and I like them but I don’t intend to be making packed lunches and doing the laundry for them when they’re 24.

Is there a reason you haven’t approached law enforcement to help you evict him? That’s absurd!

if it were my son, he’d be out and that’s saying a lot because I don’t believe in evicting children, but this goes beyond what I’d be tolerating.

he’s too good to respect his mum, but has no problem using and verbally abusing her. Fuck that!

and by the way, he can fix the fucking walls he’s ruined, like a ‘real’ man would and also get a job and pay rent in his own place, like a ‘real’ man would 😡

OP honestly I think you need some therapy to help you out of this. You are still
Thinking if his best interests. He has had so much support so much help so much love and still behaves like this. The only thing you can control is your own behavior. Try to stop
Thinking about him. Think for yourself

Sorry but you've enabled this situation

If you're still cooking, cleaning and doing laundry for a 24 year old that you don't even like; you've failed as a parent. Blaming his father isn't good enough.

You need to re-establish a connection with him and then set some boundaries and expectations.

I would also be saying that living under the same room as women and girls is unacceptable when he holds such horrible views. This is going to be difficult though because your own behaviours are part of the problem.

That ship seems like it's sailed long ago though, I wish your son well and I hope he finds a situation which will give him the life lessons and responsibilities he needs to become a well rounded human being.

I can't bear seeing women allow sons the privileges of patriarchy and then moaning about it and writing children off when it backfires. Wake - up !!

It reads to me like you moved on, created a new family and would prefer him out of the picture. His attitude is likely to be in-part, a consequence.

Tell him he has a month to find somewhere else to live
What an awful environment for your DD's to live in
He has contempt for you, and you try to appease him by meeting his every need
STOP TODAY
By showing him the door, he will learn the hard way how far his current attitude gets him
I have sons of similar ages, who treat me with respect and kindness

@redcloudsunshine (all)-my reply is pre read past the op(so far)
So @redcloudsunshine - you are amazing
on same page as little-miss-nae-responsibility..... honestly. You are actually flying the flag that would contribute to support for mysoginy. HEs 24. - you tryd raise him right,....but - failed.cos thats what youre saying. YOU let him do weekenders with MR CHAVINISTIC who tween a fri-sun has singlehandedly created a lazy disrespectful odd one out from your "ideal" family interaction/unit. Incredible, really.
haveent read back-pretty sure u said y'all "act" nice together-or similar. ..anyway you said HE has 2 young teen SISTERS.
do they have any kinda relationship with him? not rocket science a 10yo boy..gains 2 wee sisters n misses wkends"family"time may low key resent girls? YOU LITERALLY had this go on for 24 years.wow...full knowledge their might be counter parenting//Arsehole attitude influencing YOUR son.
Maybe hes reading books on assertiveness cos hes aware his das just a iconic pighead prick n his mams total spineless from the backseat so hes NOT really had any sorta experience of it. prb s required skill- for (ambition)of management.
Am really glad you were easy bout being made out to be a monster...BUT fact is-you painted your own portrait.
For the record, I DO NOT condone the described behaviours you attribute him with, the laugh...is a low blow, says more aboutchu.

Does he like you?
Is THAT on him\his dad\everybody else but YOU too?
you "love"him didni shine through once. WORST BIT OF ALL is the "beyond all hope"- so what?you gony do? unleash another monster of a man on society?
i dont care if hes 4,24,or 64 . WHAT IS ALLOWED conttinues.AND good luck with the girls who what? be really nice whilst cohabit with intolerable behaviour(anti women?) as "normal".

@redcloudsunshine
I understand you not wanting to throw him out whilst he is doing his college course so won't advise you to do that. But what I suggest you do, immediately, is stop being a doormat. You are his mother, not a servant, and from now on, you DEMAND respect. You WILL NOT cook, clean or do his washing for him.

If you won't do this for yourself, do it for your daughters. Do you really want them growing up thinking it's okay for men to treat them like your son treats you? Because they will, your actions are far louder than your words. Show them how you deal with the situation.

Chin up. No more!! And do NOT back down!

I’m no shrink but there’s a clear pattern here. You pandered to this self entitled p-k all his life by cooking, cleaning and doing his laundry, he doesn’t value woman because he takes them for granted, like his most important female role model who was a free labour Slave to him (mom). No wonder he has little respect for women. Had he needed to learn how to cook, clean, take care of himself and sort out his own home without mummy he would be less of an incel very possibly.

I mean… why are you cooking and cleaning after a 24 yr old man? Also: he has an horrible opinion about the people who have to put up with and clean and cook for him (you and the sisters), why are you letting him get away with this and continue pondering to this prick?

I think your son is getting a hard time here.

He's living at home - yes, so are many many young people.

His expectations are unreasonable - so change them.

Neither parent wants him - they both want to carry on with their new lives - how long has that being going on for? Feeling unwanted is pretty harsh on any young person.

You prefer you perfect daughters from your new relationship - what a shocker.

You clearly want to ditch your 'broken' son from your old broken relationship, but you are still his parent, he is still your son.

I get that he is unlikeable at the moment - he's still got lots of growing up to do, and he still needs parental support at times for that.

The easy 'throw him out' option is so unthinking - is this going to help him develop into a better person - it's possible i suppose but it may also push him further into thinking that he is unloveable and unloved and into hating those he perceives as have rejected him.

You’re sending him a terrible message as a woman by cooking and cleaning for this man who has a “terrible “ Opinion of women. If he shares so many values with his misogynistic dad send your son to live with the ex so he can clean and cook for him And share their incel values in their comfort of their home. Why are you putting up with this shyte?

He seems to be in a cycle of wanting a girlfriend but can't get a girlfriend, getting a girlfriend and treating her appallingly so he gets the boot, hating woman again and can't get a girlfriend. Cycle repeats.

Good on the girlfriend, at least!

OP, learn from her example...

Stop telling OP it's all her fault!

Talk about victim blaming.

I guess it makes it easier to believe it would never be your child abusing you because youre so much better/stronger/whatever, but come the fuck on.

Women are not responsible for male abuse.

@taylorswift1989 Women are not responsible for male abuse.

she raised this cretin, gives him a roof and free labour while listening to his horrible views on women, OP’s being abused. So are her daughters. It’s on everyone’s best interest (the OP, the sisters, him and the community) that this man leaves the home and starts learning how to clean, cook and sort himself out without abusing women.