To love but not like my adult son.

[redcloudsunshine]

I am quite prepared to be bashed and told what an awful monster I am but I can't help the way I feel.
I have an adult son living at home, he's 24 and I just don't like him.
His opinion on woman is disgusting and disrespectful, he's rude to dh and I and has the attitude of a stroppy teen.
He won't do anything asked of him, and if spoken to about anything gives back chat.
He doesn't clean up after himself, has ruined our home by making stains on carpets and scuffs on paintwork etc that he shouts wasn't on purpose if anyone dares to say anything.
He has a very loud annoying laugh that he uses anytime anyone has any misfortune and thoroughly enjoys mocking and putting everyone down.
I think he learnt most of his ways from his dad who had him every weekend growing up, he too hates woman.
I think it's too late to try and change him now, he's set in his way and as far as he's concerned he's right about woman and nothing will change his mind.
He reads books on power and control under the guise of it being assertive management which he claims will benefit him when he gets to be a manager.
We also have two daughters with current dh who live at home although they're younger teens and they are so different, they are polite and friendly and sit with us and talk to us like human beings, we have a brilliant relationship and lots of fun together, they act like they are part of the family.
Ds never buys anyone in the family a birthday card, but his birthdays are always recognised.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't.
I don't like the way I feel about him but it's hard to like him even if I love him deep down.

I tried to raise him right so he'd be a decent human being but his dad had the biggest influence and he turned out like him, he idolises his misogynistic dad who never had a good word to say about me or any woman so he doesn't feel the need to show me any respect either or my dh.

1, kick him out
2, stop doing anything for him.

he doesnt deserve to live in your home if he’s disrespectful and you are not his slave so he can cook, wash and clean after himself. You are literally enabling him to be a lazy twat. Stop it.
He can live with his dickhead dad if that’s how he wants to be

Why can't he work alongside his studies? He can also get a student loan and move into a shared house. Put your daughters first.

Why are you still doing everything for him? It's ridiculous that you're still making his lunch and doing his washing for him. Just stop.

He's a grown adult. Let him get on with it.

He's gone back to college to avoid working, and using you to pay for him.

He can both go to college and move out; he can work evenings and weekends.

Maybe he needs to work, save up THEN go back to college.

Honestly OP, if all you are going to do is make excuses for him now, I find that pretty poor .

For the sake of the rest of your family, get him out of your house.

Even if he is studying, he can still contribute to the household in other ways. Tell him he needs to cook dinner for everyone 2 nights a week, tell him he needs to vacuum the house and mop the floors and clean the bathroom and go and do a supermarket shop and wash and change the bedding each week.

If he is treating you like dirt and you are still cooking, cleaning and washing for him, how will he learn to have any respect for what you do if he has no idea if the effort and energy required to do it?

You can't blame everything on his dad - if you don't like his behaviour, change it. He is still young - there is still time!

Time to sit down and lay down some rules. If he lives in your home, he needs to respect it and the people in it. He needs to clean up after himself. He needs to pay for anything he wrecks. You are no longer going to be his maid/cook/etc...
If he isn't happy with this, he can go and live with his dad or move into a shared house/ get a job. Many students have part time and evening jobs to fund their digs.

He does work but there's no opportunity for management in his current job.
He is at college and the career he has chosen will potentially have opportunities for management, eventually.
He doesn't have lots of friends but does know a few like minded people who find his outspoken rudeness amusing.
As far as I'm aware he's never been abused or suffered any harm or trauma.
Living with his dad isn't an option full time, he's tried that and didn't get on with his step mum.
He has no special needs and had a perfectly loving upbringing, albeit his parents were separated.

Wtf? There is no reason for you to be cooking for and serving this man. You're making a complete mug of yourself, showing a terrible example of servitude to your daughters, and making them live with this foul man.
Put your daughters first and get this man out of their home. Ridiculous situation that never should have been allowed.

Stop serving him, tell him he is to pay towards bills, and he needs to be out of your home by June (or sooner). Any further contemptuous behaviour means he gets a month shaved off his notice. People treat us how we allow them to.

Wow he sounds just like my nephew who has been living with my parents for the last year because even his mother doesn't want him at home. He watches things like Andrew Tate. My parents are soft on him and even though my mum has had rants at him and read him the riot act sometimes he just ignores them and carries on. He's the same age as your son too. Has a job for a few weeks then suddenly doesn't. Does not give them any rent money. His mum has just started buying his groceries as my parents said they can't afford to feed him. He takes without asking and comes and goes as he pleases. My mum is not a walkover. She's more of an enabler and sort of thrives on the attention she gets from the stress he causes (whole other story). I've told her numerous times to kick him out. If he's the big man he says he is he will find a way. Same with your son. No way would I have that in my house when it's affecting others and making life a misery.

So why are you treating him like a small child and doing everything for him?

He has one more year left.

How do you mean?

make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him

Why?! Stop doing these things.

The fact that he doesn’t get on with his step mother is not your problem. He’s not getting on with you either.
I’m sure that his dad has been a huge contributing factor in this but you are also enabling him to be the way he is.
STOP cooking for him. STOP washing for him. Pickup all his mess and put it back in his room. Every time. STOP paying for him in anyway.
He is an adult man and he is taking you for a mug.
Supporting adult children is fine but only if they are helpful and respectful and doing everything they can to improve their situation.

I think the poster means your still making excuses for him, next it will be he cant find a job, the manager at his job hates him and hes depressed and so on so on.

It will be a never ending list of excuses and issues yet whats really needed here is a firm approach with clear boundaries and standards.

Reading your reply he sounds very like your nephew, I can relate to the taking things without asking or after being told he can't and he once referenced Andrew Tate saying he makes a lot of sense.

Can he move out over the summer? At 24 I was working full time, studying part time, and had been living independently for a few years after finishing uni, there is absolutely no reason he can't do the same.

It may be that he doesn't value the work you do until he is doing it for himself in a house share with other students and young professionals who take the absolute piss out of him for not knowing how to load a washing machine. I encountered a few of them in the house shares I lived in, and they shaped up pretty fast (or found a girlfriend to cocklodge with).

He had a perfectly happy upbringing with a father who hates women?

I can only.imagine what he sees modeled between his Dad and step mom.

No, he did not have a perfectly happy upbringing if his Dad is that horrible.

Also, you are teaching him how to treat women just as much as his Dad. I don't think it's fair to blame his Dad and then list all the things you do for him instead of teaching him to be independent and respect the women in his life including his sisters.

You need to do the right thing for ALL of your kids amd give him notice to leave.

You and his Dad have created this, it's not too late to turn things around and teach him to stand on his own two feet.

Letting him walk all over you isn't kind. He won't know how to be a healthy adult in a healthy relationship at this rate which is quite sad.

Living with his dad isn't an option full time, he's tried that and didn't get on with his step mum.

She didn't get on with him more like.

Op if he's a student he'll be able to access his college's hardship fund/student support (or whatever it's called), there are people who can help him.

Fgs just tell him you can't tolerate his disrespectful ways any longer and you won't have your daughter's subjected to his views.

Think about what the girls are learning. That a man can behave like an absolute pig but he'll get away with it and still have his meals cooked, clothes washed etc.

What does your husband think about him?

@redcloudsunshine Not once do you address what the majority of posters are saying - that it's time for you to stop catering to him and for him to stop acting like a spoilt child.

Family therapy would benefit you all. Learning about boundaries and communication.

It's well overdue his time he stood on his own two feet. You can tell him you love him but are very concerned for him over his attitude and behaviors. It's time he took responsibility for himself if he wants to be part of the family he needs to change his ways so he isn't a toxic person to be around.

Start talking to your daughters about what's gone wrong here, your part to play in it/his dad/himself. What's acceptable and setting healthy boundaries.

He may well be a very lonely sad insecure young man but as an adult he needs to help himself.

Any thoughts on being a better example for your daughters, and improving their home life?

What does your husband think about him?

That's another thread, my dh can't get through to him if there's an issue he just gets back chat and rudeness so he moans to me instead but I get the same.
He does come between me and dh and he's a very patient man but he's had enough of him and finds his mess and disrespect frustrating.

You’re coming over as a proper doormat

My advice would be to tell him that if he wants to continue living with you then he becomes an adult. If he's at college there's no reason why he can't cook, clean, do his washing etc. you must stop immediately.