To love but not like my adult son.

[redcloudsunshine]

I am quite prepared to be bashed and told what an awful monster I am but I can't help the way I feel.
I have an adult son living at home, he's 24 and I just don't like him.
His opinion on woman is disgusting and disrespectful, he's rude to dh and I and has the attitude of a stroppy teen.
He won't do anything asked of him, and if spoken to about anything gives back chat.
He doesn't clean up after himself, has ruined our home by making stains on carpets and scuffs on paintwork etc that he shouts wasn't on purpose if anyone dares to say anything.
He has a very loud annoying laugh that he uses anytime anyone has any misfortune and thoroughly enjoys mocking and putting everyone down.
I think he learnt most of his ways from his dad who had him every weekend growing up, he too hates woman.
I think it's too late to try and change him now, he's set in his way and as far as he's concerned he's right about woman and nothing will change his mind.
He reads books on power and control under the guise of it being assertive management which he claims will benefit him when he gets to be a manager.
We also have two daughters with current dh who live at home although they're younger teens and they are so different, they are polite and friendly and sit with us and talk to us like human beings, we have a brilliant relationship and lots of fun together, they act like they are part of the family.
Ds never buys anyone in the family a birthday card, but his birthdays are always recognised.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't.
I don't like the way I feel about him but it's hard to like him even if I love him deep down.

I tried to raise him right so he'd be a decent human being but his dad had the biggest influence and he turned out like him, he idolises his misogynistic dad who never had a good word to say about me or any woman so he doesn't feel the need to show me any respect either or my dh.

I totally agree that the vulnerability of some autistic people can make them somewhat more susceptible to influence from others (the OP’s ex in this case).

That is what I meant when I said about the mimicking/strange laugh etc.
Often, autistic masking isn’t only hiding what you’re thinking/feeling….masking can be mimicking others to make yourself appear to be more ‘neurotypical’.

Send him to his father. Or ask him to leave as your not tolerating it any longer. The longer you allow it the longer it goes on simple

Maybe you also need therapy. Please don't send me anymore rude quotes. My opinion is valid.

Or maybe I’m a Clinician and therapist 🙄

Just reported you. I told you to stop sending me messages.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me

WHYYYYY are you doing this? He’s not 6 years old.

This is part of his problem. It’s not just his dad’s influence. You should have been teaching him as he was growing up how to be a proper person, and an adult. Not doing everything for him and clearing up after him. Tell him very calmly what he is required to do around the house and that if he doesn’t do it, you will be asking him to leave. He’s a man baby.

I haven’t actually said anything rude to you and I have never sent you a message!

Nothing stopping him from getting a part time job a)to get him out the house more, b)teach him some work ethic c)so he can pay his own expenses. Also stop doing his laundry etc he's an adult he needs to act like it. Also I would sit him down and say whilst you love him you do not like his behaviour and attitude and it needs to change

I agree. Disgusting behaviour from a so called parent

Utter nonsense. He's not a child or even a troubled youth he's bloody 24!

If he can't treat the rest of the family with any consideration at all and is aggressive, verging on abusive, what effect will this have on his sisters who are in their early teens? They are actual children and should be put first, he's a man!

It is also doing him no favours, he needs to learn swiftly that this behaviour is unacceptable to others, or however will he make his own way in life?

I do think his mother should have set boundaries with him years ago though, but it's not too late (hopefully).

You need him out of your house. He can work part time. Many of us worked full time while studying. He can get loans to help. Get him out and DO NOT give him handouts unless you agree to see evidence of his finances. There will always be an excuse for him, he can't find a job... he is depressed like his dad... etc etc. Eventually he may find another woman and sponge off her until, oh surprise, she dumped him and now he needs to move back in with you! Also, remind him that with his attitude he will not get a management job. HR departments are on top of things now and he would have no end of complaints about him.

My brother is now 34 and he has only JUST been kicked out the family home. My mum would describe the relationship as the same 'Love but not like.' And tbh, as much as he has broken her heart with his behaviour, this has come after years and years of him being pandered to, with no boundaries, no consequences for behaviour, constant mollycoddling and cleaning up after him.
He is an absolute cunt in his own right, but I blame my parents for never ever setting a boundary with him and enabling his entitled and sociopathic behaviour.

He was eventually thrown out after trashing the house while she was away, among other things,

He has already been through living with other family members who also didnt set boundaries and no one will take him now. He has been forced to go and rent a room in a house while he saves for a deposit for his own place. He is FINALLY having to act like an adult rather than a horrid overgrown manchild.

Sorry about your brother BlueMonday1977 glad he is finally making progress.

Yes I was just going to say that one would hope that it doesn’t come to that but it’s actually much kinder to kick them out when they are younger so they can find their own feet when there are fewer societal expectations upon them, ie no one bats an eye if a 21 year old is living in a grotty flat and doing a minimum wage job. Everyone has to start from somewhere.

But it gets gets much harder to roll up your sleeves and overcome your pride in your thirties especially when your peers are living independently and making strides and the internet is telling you are a victim of life’s circumstances.

And a lot of these young men are secretly quite entitled and think they deserve the world having been pandered to at home, but at the same time their arrogance is hiding a severe lack of confidence and competence, precisely because they never have had to learn how things work for themselves.

And as you get older, it’s much harder to tolerate having your corners knocked off because by then you have developed a narrative around yourself about why you can’t/won’t/haven’t/shouldn’t.

That’s discounting any SEN of course. It’s a totally different scenario then because you genuinely might not be able to do certain things or find them much harder to do than the average person.

You don't sound like an awful monster at all but you do sound too soft. He's 24, tell him to go find his own place or move in with dad. Do not do his cooking and washing, that is not going to be helping his views and respect for women.

Doubt OP is coming back.

She is too busy cleaning his room and making his dinner.

I’m sad that the OP poster appears not to be coming back for some dialogue about issues raised. It’s clearly difficult for her.

I'm really surprised at all the responses saying to simply get rid, and to a couple of people rolling their eyes at the suggestion that he's young and could do with therapy. People don't behave in such hateful ways towards their families unless there's something quite deeply wrong with them, and therapy can help overcome whatever that might be. Young is a relative term, but he's still definitely young enough to learn to reflect, repair and change his behaviour. This gets harder as you get older and your abusive behaviour hurts more and more people you care about till you have no one left and admitting your mistake would mean your entire world crumbling around you. Plenty of people with extreme views are actually just very very unhappy and messed up and sometimes properly mentally disturbed.

I actually think kicking him out might do him some good, but that it might also cause an irreparable rift which the OP probably doesn't really want, and could see this man stuck in his ways forever after. I reckon, if he won't go to therapy, then yes get rid as he's just harming his sisters. But why not see if there's a non-explosive solution first?

Unnecessary and unkind . I hope you feel good about that comment.

@SpatulaSpatula Haven’t you heard of Andrew Tate and other strong misogynist movements/influencers on social media? There is actually more misogyny around in young men than ever before. It is of course damaging to the young men who take it on board, as well as on the women around them, but unless someone actually wants to change, no amount of therapy will be of any use.

stearin talks then kick him out!!!!

you can’t be having your daughters seeing you take this shot and abuse, it starts a nasty cycle.

Maintain contact on your end. Have zero tolerance for negative speak. Literally like a toddler.

but seriously you can’t be having your girls around that. And you need to recognize this as abuse. Get rid of him and get yourself help.

I would tell him to move out.

otherwise you’ll be sick with him until he finds some poor women to couple up with and take on the mothering. Judging by his charm that could be a while.

what does DH say? Surely he wants him out?

Those of you saying throw him out, don't cook or clean for him.....I had the same kind of situation, tried doing exactly as you suggested, many years ago, and although it took the aggravation away from the home and the remainder of the family, it took 23 years to recover and finally have a decent relationship. It's not so easy as just cutting ties, he's her child (albeit grown up), she hasn't necessarily coddled him or "allowed" him to behave this way. Some troubled young adults can be worse with this kind of discipline. I know the mother will have sought to placate his anger in many ways, to no avail because he has the backing of his natural father, whom he clearly admires and respects. The best solution could be to get counselling, for the mother and family at least, if not for the son. I doubt if he'd accept it anyway, just make it another reason to be woman-hating. Mum - try to distance yourself from his anger, he has a problem that he can't or won't deal with. Suggest nicely that he might like to go live with his father, since they both share the same outlook. Of course, he'll see that as rejection from you, so again get counselling about how to proceed. I think his issues are deep-rooted from the split from his father and his father's poisoning of his views. I feel for you redcloudsunshine, hang on in there and be strong. 💪

Exactly! So much disgusting hate around for troubled, impressionable people (man-children) to latch onto, and 100% agreed. That's the thing with therapy. It only works if people want to change and getting to that point is really difficult. It takes a lot of self control to help someone towards that rather than walking away, but doesn't the OP want her son to become likable again and live a happier life? He's going to cause a gaping hole in his family, totally isolate himself and probably never have a healthy romantic relationship ever in his life if he continues in this path.

If you go to the OP's son and say he seems unhappy and maybe he should talk to someone about that and he says f* off, then you boot him out and just keep checking in to see if he's ready to listen/talk/change. But if that hasn't been tried, considering a slightly tricky childhood, it seems like an opportunity to repair and help him become a happier person for the rest of his life will have been missed.

The OP can't keep being his maid, that isn't helping anyone, but she could try to come at this from an angle of helping him be better rather than what he will see as punishing him, when it's possible he only holds these awful opinions and treats his loved ones like this because of mental health issues. Lots of people, men especially, are walking defense mechanisms and the inability to talk can lead to worse and worse behaviour.

Does the OP want to like her son again? Because I think that might be more likely if she tries to get him into therapy and draws some rigid boundaries at home, rather than going from one day being his slave to the next kicking him out with no normal level of parenting in between. He obviously has to go if, having tried that, he's still abusive towards his family, but isn't it worth a shot?

He's 24. He's a man, an adult. No life lessons will be learned if his every need continues to be met by his parent/s. Allow him the freedom to become a more mature adult by encouraging him to live his own life, make his own mistakes, own them, and learn from them. Right now the OP is not allowing him that growth. Also, to help the OP rather than knock her for her honesty, perhaps it would be a good idea if she wrote a line down the middle of a page with "old me" and "new me" either side. Write down 10 bullets underneath - under "old me" all the constraints that this living situation ahs put her in (e.g. no time for me, constant worry about mood in the house, daughters learning bad behaviour, etc). And under "New me" things like "time for myself" "calm in the house/not worrying about xyz related to son", "daughters no longer exposed to bad behaviour and learning this" etc. It will soon become clear from the simple exercise why a change is necessary. It doesn't have to be acrimonious. It may be worth speaking to a charity like Family Action" who can help with guidance on how best to approach it. I hope it works out for the OP and her family.