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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To love but not like my adult son.

446 replies

redcloudsunshine · 29/02/2024 10:12

I am quite prepared to be bashed and told what an awful monster I am but I can't help the way I feel.
I have an adult son living at home, he's 24 and I just don't like him.
His opinion on woman is disgusting and disrespectful, he's rude to dh and I and has the attitude of a stroppy teen.
He won't do anything asked of him, and if spoken to about anything gives back chat.
He doesn't clean up after himself, has ruined our home by making stains on carpets and scuffs on paintwork etc that he shouts wasn't on purpose if anyone dares to say anything.
He has a very loud annoying laugh that he uses anytime anyone has any misfortune and thoroughly enjoys mocking and putting everyone down.
I think he learnt most of his ways from his dad who had him every weekend growing up, he too hates woman.
I think it's too late to try and change him now, he's set in his way and as far as he's concerned he's right about woman and nothing will change his mind.
He reads books on power and control under the guise of it being assertive management which he claims will benefit him when he gets to be a manager.
We also have two daughters with current dh who live at home although they're younger teens and they are so different, they are polite and friendly and sit with us and talk to us like human beings, we have a brilliant relationship and lots of fun together, they act like they are part of the family.
Ds never buys anyone in the family a birthday card, but his birthdays are always recognised.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't.
I don't like the way I feel about him but it's hard to like him even if I love him deep down.

I tried to raise him right so he'd be a decent human being but his dad had the biggest influence and he turned out like him, he idolises his misogynistic dad who never had a good word to say about me or any woman so he doesn't feel the need to show me any respect either or my dh.

OP posts:
SapphOhNo · 29/02/2024 11:16

YABU but only to the extent you're accommodating such crap from him.

Kick him out, he's an adult. He needs to learn consequences.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 29/02/2024 11:19

How long left on his course?

ViciousCurrentBun · 29/02/2024 11:19

Has he ever been in a relationship? He is sounding like an incel. There have always been men like this but now they can network online. Do you know much about it?

bathinginbeans · 29/02/2024 11:20

Thank you for clarifying OP. Given that he does seem like a capable young man, there is every hope that, with a little encouragement, he can fly the nest pretty soon.

rooftopbird · 29/02/2024 11:25

Jesus Christ you're enabling his disgusting behaviour, he's taking the absolute piss out of you, either kick him out or grow a backbone fast and give him a deadline to get his shit together or he's on his own. If I the,ps, my mum did this and it was the shot up the arse I needed, mind you she did it when I was 17.

OceanStorm · 29/02/2024 11:26

You said you tried to raise him right but it seems you chose the wrong father for him

Towerofsong · 29/02/2024 11:26

I will add to my previous post that there is no reason you should be doing all that. My DS didn't like my cooking and didn't keep my hours so cooked for himself and did his own laundry from 16.

In my opinion, all the time adult kids are living at home having never left, they continue in the teen/parent dynamic and don't get to finish the last bit of growing up which is to become a young adult rather than a teenager.

MagicTape · 29/02/2024 11:36

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 29/02/2024 11:19

How long left on his course?

OP answered that above, a year.

Original poster
redcloudsunshine · 29/02/2024 11:37

I know I come across as a door mat, that's why I posted I get so upset and want to sort it out but then he just walks away in a huff or says alright mum you don't need to keep on, and I feel deflated, if I raise my voice or say anything with any frustration he laughs at me as if I'm crazy and then he'll be on the phone mocking me to his dad with his loud mocking laugh.
I think part of me knows when he moves out he'll probably not stay in contact much and maybe that's why I'm hesitant to kick him out, when he moved in with his dad for a year and a half I rarely heard from him and texts were not answered.
I thinks it's inevitable that when he's gone he's gone so maybe I'm trying too hard.
I think it's time for him to go so I can concentrate on the loving family I have and maybe one day he'll change his views.
He seems to be in a cycle of wanting a girlfriend but can't get a girlfriend, getting a girlfriend and treating her appallingly so he gets the boot, hating woman again and can't get a girlfriend. Cycle repeats.

OP posts:
maddening · 29/02/2024 11:40

Can you help him fund a flatshare?

Isittimeformynapyet · 29/02/2024 11:41

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 29/02/2024 11:19

How long left on his course?

One year. RTFT - it's only three pages.

Obeast · 29/02/2024 11:42

Did you just want to vent about his shit behaviour, rather than wanting advice?

There was no question in the OP, people are spending time typing replies.

Original poster
redcloudsunshine · 29/02/2024 11:46

OceanStorm · 29/02/2024 11:26

You said you tried to raise him right but it seems you chose the wrong father for him

Yes he was a poor choice of father, I had no idea what a misogynist was 24 years ago and I didn't see that side of him until later years.
Not making excuses but I didn't see that side of his dad back then, we split when he was 2 and that sort of content wasn't everywhere.

OP posts:
Serenity45 · 29/02/2024 11:46

The best lesson you could teach him is that women won't tolerate being treated like shit by angry misogynistic twats. He sounds absolutely vile and I think you need to give him notice to leave and stick to it. It can't be nice for your husband and younger children to put up with this in their home either.

flutterby1 · 29/02/2024 11:48

He needs to move out. Sorry YOU need to move him out

Iamnotawinp · 29/02/2024 11:49

Under the circumstances I think it is perfectly understandable that although you love him, you don’t like him. It sounds as if he is causing distress to you all.

I think it’s a process for a parent to realise they don’t like their adult childs behaviour, because that’s what it is. I’m guessing if he behaved better you would like him better.

A lot of posters are saying boot him out, don’t pander to him. They are right, but from the sound of it, I don’t think you are ready for that. As I said it’s a process and it’s hard for a mother to ‘abandon’ her child, however old or badly behaved. But sometimes it’s the only solution. I believe parents of drug addicts are told that sometimes it is in the best interest of the addict not to be allowed home.

You are in essence enabling your son to treat you badly, and you need to find a way of wresting back authority in your own home. This post maybe the wake up call you need.

if you are not ready to kick him out, or feel unable to (he could just refuse to go. Then I suggest you think of this as a year long project, and devise a strategy and tactics that will lead to him leaving.

you need to make home less comfortable and easy for him. You need to implement consequences. Only you can know what these are from outright refusing to cook for him, to ‘forgetting’ to do his wash.

Id suggest baby steps and adding one after another (habit stacking) if you feel you can’t face an outright confrontation.

Maybe something on this thread with give you good ideas. But you are enabling him to abuse you, your Dh and your DDs.

Best of luck, and please don’t give up all hope.

Sometimes teenagers and young adults see the error of their ways as they mature, and eventually become kind and loving again.

Id suggest you read up about Andrew Tate. A lot of information is coming out about him and he is losing his influence on many young men who used to follow him.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 29/02/2024 11:49

I have my 25 year old son home with me at the moment whilst he is saving for a house deposit....he is not perfect but he cleans up after himself...will cook for me...grabs stuff from the shops if we need it...treats me with respect....if he was an arse he would be out the door.

DropDeadFreida · 29/02/2024 11:55

So your son hates women but is happy to accept food and board provided by a woman? I'd call him out on his utter hypocrisy for a start OP. And stop enabling his behaviour. His dad may have instilled those values but you're continually reinforcing them.

Isittimeformynapyet · 29/02/2024 12:00

It sounds like you're afraid of him OP, which puts you in a very weak position. I'm not judging you on that.

There are four of you (DH and DDs) and one of him. You could all stand together and start expecting better from him.

All step in for each other when he behaves like a dick.

Discuss misogyny with your daughters. Let him hear too.

Try talking his language - laugh at his BS. Take the piss.

I know it's not easy to change your own character, but if I'm ever confronted by someone like your son I've always called it out straight away, in a kind of "I can't believe what I'm hearing! Don't be a twat" way.

At 24 he's still learning. Please do your best to swap his textbooks!

IsthisthereallifeIsthisjustfantasy · 29/02/2024 12:01

Why is he still living with you?

LifeExperience · 29/02/2024 12:06

You are reinforcing his appalling view of women by acting as his skivvy. He will never grow up while mummy is treating him like a child. The fact that numerous posters have pointed that out while you ignore it means that nothing will change. IOW, there is no possibility that he will grow up until you stop babying him and feeding into his hateful stereotypes.

Isittimeformynapyet · 29/02/2024 12:06

IsthisthereallifeIsthisjustfantasy · 29/02/2024 12:01

Why is he still living with you?

OP has explained this throughout the thread. Still only 3 pages. You could scroll through and pick out her posts in the green boxes.

Original poster
redcloudsunshine · 29/02/2024 12:09

DropDeadFreida · 29/02/2024 11:55

So your son hates women but is happy to accept food and board provided by a woman? I'd call him out on his utter hypocrisy for a start OP. And stop enabling his behaviour. His dad may have instilled those values but you're continually reinforcing them.

His dad doesn't work but his step mum does f/t and she also does all the household chores after work, cooks and cleans and finds childcare so that he doesn't have to have their children after school while she's at work.
I said to ds - so your dad hates woman but is happy to live off one?
He took that in for a moment and there was that hideous loud laugh, like his dad was genius.

His dad doesn't work because he's had depression and anxiety for about 15 years and is completely dependent on his wife.

OP posts:
TheBayLady · 29/02/2024 12:16

I wouldn't like him either. He is a 24 year old adult male and you are treating him like he is 14, why ? You are enabling his behaviour in fact you are encouraging it. The only way it will stop is to put him out, find him a flat, pay the deposit and first months rent if you can, look on line to see how much your LA pay in housing benefit and stick to that budget. Then take him there, then change the locks on your place ( front and back) Make him adult. your life is your own fault.
If you can't or won't put him out then your life is your own fault.

IsthisthereallifeIsthisjustfantasy · 29/02/2024 12:17

Isittimeformynapyet · 29/02/2024 12:06

OP has explained this throughout the thread. Still only 3 pages. You could scroll through and pick out her posts in the green boxes.

Show quote history

Thank you, little miss condescending.

I've read the whole thread as it happens.

My point stands. College course or no college course, if a 24 year old man behaves like that in your house, WHY IS HE STILL LIVING THERE?

Or to put it a different way: how bad would his behaviour have to be for you to throw him out?